Well…didn’t see this Coming.

The following posts were made to my male Facebook profile. I finally came to terms with it enough to [ost it here. I was trying to let this [profile remain my safe place; but really I was using to to maintain denial. So here it all is.

February 22nd, 2017

Me: ” Hold on; I’m staring death in the eye, can I get back to you on that?”
What?!? Too soon?!?
For the uninitiated, Monday February 20, 2017 I was diagnosed with a tumor on the back of my right eye. The tumor is partially obstructing my peripheral vision on the nose side of my vision. It’s caused a partial retina detachment and some fluid retention below it.

I’m undergoing some radiological testing to make sure it hasn’t spread, or that it didn’t come from somewhere else.
Radiation treatment is pending, but forthcoming. They are moving with a sense of urgency given how aggressive it and the symptoms have been. Their sense of urgency is calming and terrifying all at the same time.

So now you are inducted into the “I know Cadence has El Cancer,” club.

Rule #1- we don’t talk about “I know Cadence has El Cancer,” club… unless it’s funny. Bring your A game folks.

Rule #2- we talk about “I know Cadence has El Cancer,” club and make it funny, pray, light candles, think good or happy thoughts, or just give me a Chuck Norris thumbs up meme. But none of that Hari Krishna bullshit!
Cadence out!
#TumorHumor

March 1st, 2017
#Tumorhumor
“So what you are saying Doc, is that for seven days, I’ll have a superpower that is essentially a radioactive glare?!?”
So today I had my consult with the surgeon, Radiation oncologist, and Physicist in Greenville, SC. I will be having my first surgery on March 16th. They will be suturing a curved gold disk, made from gold, and covered with radioactive “seeds.” This disk will stay attached to my eye for seven days, irradiating Timmy the Tumor.
So for seven days I will be like a walking X-ray machine or cyclops from the X-Men, or Superman…just without the seeing through stuff part. Which means I’ll have to wear a lead lined eye-patch…Arrrrrrr.
If you feel portions of your anatomy warming up; I just may be gazing in your direction. If I give you the stink- eye during that week, you may want to jot that down as a radiation exposure.
Due to the potential of stunting the growth and/or vaporizing of small unattended children, creating mutant spiders or Spidermen, and melting decorative candles, I will be compelled to isolate myself like a hermit for a week. Seven days later, I’ll be having surgery #2 to remove the gold disk. I’m told the gold apparatus is about 3-5,000 worth of gold. So nobody take me to a bad side of town; I may be put on blocks and stripped of all valuable or serviceable parts.
Once the disk is removed, I will again be a mere mortal, having been stripped of all my super powers. From about six months onward I will however gain a new superpower we are calling around the office, “reduced central vision” or in others words a huge effing blind spot on my right side. So if you want to get away with anything stand on my right side. This new super power will unfortunately be permanent.

March 6th, 2017
Well crap. Okay, so my insurance doesn’t want me to receive care from an out of state specialist. So now I must go to Emory in Atlanta, and start the process all over again with somebody who isn’t number one in the nation for this procedure.
Stay tuned, I’ll let you all know what happens next.

March 8th, 2017

At Emory Eye Center. Maybe it’s just my depression, angst and frustration over Timmy the Tumor… but people need to get better control of their tumors!!!! I meant kids. Really, I did.
So anybody trying to figure out what I mean when I say they are going to attach something to my eye… one of these gold discs are what they will be using. They will place a radioactive seed in some of these slots you see on the disc and epoxy it in place. They will then suture the disk to the back of my eye. So do that they will detach several eye muscles.
To biopsy the tumor they will slice through the white part of the eye near the front, reach in scoop up a little chunk of Timmy and then do “something” (read I don’t want to know) to close the incision.
So far I’ve been told I will have a very lazy eye for a week… they are cutting muscles off, did they think it was going to exercise?!? I’ve been told the radiation will impact my energy levels, that the radiation may make my right eyebrow and eyelashes fall off. Oh yay. I get to look halfway surprised.
If the radiation doesn’t kill the tumor, the tumor comes back or the freckle in that eye near the tumor develops into a tumor, nucleation is the only solution. So I’ve made it clear, if I have to get a fake eye, I want it to look like the terminator eye. I want it to glow red and look robotic. I don’t care if I must charge it daily. I want to be Robocop! Tracy was kind enough to point out today that a blue LED was a bad idea; something about opening myself up to blue ball jokes. That aside, I think a terminator eye would look bad ass and anybody that’d challenge a cop with a robotic eye is just asking for an ass beating. Just saying!

Love Transcends

There is one truth in life that surpasses all other truths; that in its purest form can transcend all barriers. In its purest form, it can bridge the distances, connect times and memories, transcend wealth or beauty, social status, race, gender, religion, political difference, allegiance or loyalty. We often do not choose it, we cannot choose it; it usually chooses us. Often it catches us unawares and unprepared. It is such a powerful truth, it can transcend the entire breadth of our human existence. There is an inherent beauty in the truth that has more beauty than the most beautiful newborn baby, the most colorful and awe inspiring sunrise, sunset, or tropical isle. 
That one truth is Love. Love can erase the lines that keep people apart. It can be a driving force for change, it can be the glue that binds people together. It can connect two people who for no other reason would ever connect. Love can take a man or woman or any combination thereof, and make them vow to change for the better and mean it. It can make a better person of anyone who truly experiences it; it can bring out the best in a person. It doesn’t matter how we Love or who we Love, sometimes it doesn’t even matter what that Love looks like; so long as we Love. Because it is then that Love lives, and breaths, meets it’s purpose, is multiplied and truly blessed. 
The sad truth about the Love truth is; it’s so fleetingly rare. In its truest, most unconditional form, it is not found easily, and when it is, it is not always understood. It can be misconstrued, devalued or cheapened, negotiated away, mistaken for something else, denied or refuted. We are so not used to seeing it, feeling it, or experiencing it, demonstrating it or communicating it; we often lack the ability to see it, fully appreciate or interpret it for what it is, and what it can do. These misunderstandings often lead to us taking it for granted, and saying goodbye to it. 
When you find it; cherish it. Give it every reason to stay; give it no reasons to go. Hold onto it with both hands, fight for it, protect it, treat it as the most precious and sacred thing that it is. In turn, demonstrate those things that Love inspires in you to the source and reason of that Love. Because no one is guaranteed more than one true Love.

Last week was a BIG Week…

Well, I had to run some errands with my mom last Wednesday and while we were out we talked a lot. As she has gotten older she tells more and more stories from her life, she reminisces a lot. I know a lot of her stories by heart, but I listen intently each time she tells them. We talked about what she would have named a daughter if she had had one, not realizing she was talking to her daughter. 

As the day wore on she began to speak about my girlfriend and how she is such a lovely, wonderful woman. I was immediately emotional, because I’ve been in a constant state of worry about our relationship for weeks. My mom could sense something is very wrong. But I could not immediately tell her. 

Eventually, I was able to tell her. She sat and listened actively, asking questions and explaining her thoughts and worries. She was glad to hear that things went well for me at work. We both knew it would be difficult to tell my dad. We even discussed some methods of how or when, but we were both rather inconclusive on the matter, and shelved it temporarily. 

Not telling dad was upsetting her terribly. Her sleep was being impacted, she was emotionally distraught. Sometime last Friday night she broke down and told him. She said he never said a word about it; he just listened. He has not said a word to me about it, but he is talking to me; we’ve laughed and shared jokes, and on the outside you’d think nothing is wrong. He may be in denial, he may be processing. It’s difficult to say or know his thoughts. 

But he was the next to last barrier to transition. All that is left is my girlfriend and oldest child. My child isn’t so much a barrier as a “Must tell.”As distant as my girlfriend has been, that may be easier than I would like. She seems less and less invested in us. She has said she will always be in my life; the subtext being that she just won’t Love me the way I need and want her to. Which means once again I’m good enough to have in a life, but not good enough for a relationship.

 I do not think she understands that the subtle nuances that made her Love Me to begin with are not part of friendship with me. There are very distinct differences between being My Love and my friend. I mean, you are reading about a woman who differentiates between Love and love. So undoubtedly, there would be distinctions between Love and friend, because even the Love I have for my closest of friends is distinctly different from the Love I have for my partner, including the ways I demonstrate such. There cannot be any having the cake and eating it too when it comes to my Love and affection.  I hope she would sincerely want my friendship under those circumstances, and not just hang on to the parts of me she thought she could. 
Ever & Always,

Cadence Elizabeth

I may have named my blog Wrong…

It seems that no matter how hard I work at it, I cannot seem to make this blog about my Love. I find it, but it is always short lived. It’s never unconditional. I always end up lamenting where it all went wrong, and wishing I had just not bothered. 

Which is where I’m at presently; despite her continued presence in my life. She has said she will stay until she cannot, that she cannot stay until I fully transition. She Loves me, just not Unconditionally. So maybe love with a lower case L would be more apropos. Regardless, she loves me, she loves everything I bring to the relationship table. She understands that everything she loves about me stems from Cadence. But she fell for what’s left of my masculinity. That’s what she wants, and unfortunately, I cannot promise that for much longer. 

So rather than lose me immediately, she wants to hang onto me, let me keep her company, be wooed and dated by me, until the presence of Cadence pushes her out or away. I’m good enough to date; not good enough to Love. Once again, Love just isn’t enough. 

Merry Christmas to All…

A very Merry Christmas to You and Yours. My GF and I celebrated Christmas the other night when I was off, and I celebrated Christmas with my children and parents yesterday before I laid down to sleep so I could work last nights shift. If you are hoping for my usual cheery positive brand of post, this may not be it. I’m fresh out of positive spin. So reader beware. 

I may have gone overboard on my GF’s presents; secretly I keep hoping that she will value me so much she won’t want to lose me, even if I do transition into living as Cadence full time. I’m beginning to feel like I’m setting myself up for failure though. Her presents for me were thoughtful and inspired; for my male aspect she got me a long sleeve tee shirt, but rather than other colors, she chose pink graphics and text, on a gray shirt. Even though it was a gift for my male aspect, she still tried to appease me. My Cadence gift blew my mind though; silver earrings with my birth stone and her birth stone set into them. For my birthday in three days she ordered a solitaire of my birthstone set into a matching pendant. I was drawn to tears when I saw it.

She’s trying so hard, but she is so very torn, and still speaking in absolutes. I’m beginning to think that my hopes of her ever Loving and accepting me fully as Cadence are all for naught. I don’t think she can do it, and I’m beginning to feel it’s not fair of me to ask her to. As much as I Love her, I’m asking her to change who she is and what she wants. She is being selfish by wanting me to stay the way I am, I’m being selfish by hoping she will change or concede. My heart continues to break. 

My family did not put as much thought into my gifts as I did theirs, I could see it on their faces as they opened them, and their hesitance to present me with mine. I already feel like the rainbow sheep of the family, and they don’t even know yet. 

I’ve seen posts on my Cadence Facebook page of various Trans friends lamenting being Trans/ Queer during Christmas… I’ve seen positive stories of family using new first names for the first time on gifts, and I’ve read horror stories of people left out of family plans. 

I’m sure it’s my mood concerning my beautiful GF, my families lack of thought, my coming birthday and the magic of Christmas being done and gone.  But I’m feeling like I have to look up to see bottom. 

My former Supervisor, the moron Barbie that outed me… the other day she bitterly wrote me a series of text messages where she accused me of fabricating my story about her outing me, and how Karma is real and it’ll come back full circle and get me, and how she misjudged me thinking I’m a sincere, genuine and true person. Barbie,  If you’re reading this, there’s a recording of your ass doing it, a minimum of eight written statements detailing it and that’s NOT counting the conversation you had with you know who about how I was a good fit for the Sexual Assault Investigator, because of my obvious feminine traits. Deny and spin all you like, it doesn’t change the truth, and your character has been laid bare for all to see. It’s unfortunate the University dragged it’s feet in disciplining you for it; you managed to hang onto your numbers. The result is you feel vindicated, which is also unfortunate. But there is a large group of people who know the truth about who you are, what you do and how two-faces you really are. I take solace in that. And if you have any other communications for me, make them through my attorney, you’ll know his name. 

And now that that’s out of my system,I too am a little bitter. Because I agreed to work an additional four hours today for a Lieutenant who wanted to spend first Christmas with her newborn. On its face a very noble thing; For one of two possible people who probably told my former supervisor what I was saying about her and what I thought of her. I’m too goddamn nice. That’s my problem. Maybe that’s one thing I need to change going into the new year. 

Sorry for rambling. I’m emotional, hormones are in a tizzy, and I’m mentally and physically exhausted. Sorry if I have offended or anything. I’m certainly not feeling like myself. But I’ve had a lot on my heart and mind of late, and it’s all catching up with me. I pray your Christmas has been wonderful and that your New Year is amazing and awe inspiring in its entirety. 

Ever & Always,

Cadence

A Drive through a small Georgia Town…

I took a drive through a small Georgia town today. It could have been any town, anywhere really. It was a friendly little town, friendlier than most, everyone waving, saluting, filming us with their phones. It was as though the spectacle of a parade was coming through town. Fire trucks, power company trucks, ambulances and private vehicles blocked traffic to let us through. Crowds had gathered, and for a friendly little town, they were really very sad. 
Tears streamed down faces as the procession drove past. We, and several hundred more cars like us were leading the way, blue lights flashing; a local boy and his child hood friend had been gunned down. One, was an officer for Americus PD. The other was an officer at Georgia SouthWestern University. Our duty was to pay respects for the University officer. His childhood friend had been buried days before. 
Officer Jody Smith had been backing up his best friend. He was shot defending his friend; his brother. He was shot fighting for their lives. 
Many beautiful things were said at his memorial; the most notable to me being that “…even in the darkest room, a single match can push the dark away. Be that light.”
As we lined up our shiny patrol cars, with all of their assorted flashing and dancing lights, a melancholy mood hung over us all. We began our drive, immediately aware that this one… was different. 
Americus had taken these deaths personally. The first indication was on the drive in, yard signs stating, 
“Back the Blue.” Then thin blue line ribbons festooned mailboxes, signs, trees… even a child’s little tykes car which looked like a police car. That’s why they lined the streets, saluted us as we passed.

They had lost a local boy. A good young man, brought up good and proper. Who loved his mom and his young fiancée, pregnant with his child. They lost two good young men, who were eager and happy to serve their fellow men and women. In his death he saved three lives; he was an organ donor, and we were told that the three people who had received his organs were healthy and recovering, his heart continuing to beat strongly. And yet they all grieved. 
And we grieved with them. Grown men, hardened officers with tears streaming down their faces as they drove for miles and miles, seeing the outpouring of support. Support which has been very slim of late. It was said that some officers had needed to see this; and this is true. Officers need to feel the love and support of those they stand for and sometimes even those they stand against; least they forget what they are fighting for. They need to know that they are that light standing in the dark, but they should never feel like they are the only light in the dark. 
I hope I never need take a drive through Georgia like that one again… but sadly I will; it is an imperfect world, filled with imperfect people. I however; I vow to be a light. 
Ever & Always,

Sergeant Cadence  Elizabeth Vales 
December 14th, 2016

Im now fully out at work!

Well, my world has gotten bigger once again. A week ago yesterday, I came out to my entire police department. The Friday prior to that, I told my Chief. I initially told my chief in order to offer myself some measures of protection, given his previous opposition to me being promoted due to my sustained HR complaint where I was forcibly outed. I wanted to disarm his ability to deny knowing I was transgender if he ever retaliated. Unfortunately, as I was speaking with him, I could see the gears turning in his head. He was immediately trying to figure out how the department, i.e., how he could benefit from my coming out. 

I work for a liberal University, and if he were to pop up with one of the first or THE first transgender police officer in the state, as well as one of the first transgender employees at our university, he would be able to leverage that to his benefit. As soon as I finished speaking, he began to toss ideas at me, if I were open to them, that we might be able to do in order to further the agency, university, and the transgender cause. I knew his motivations, and given that I’m not out to my entire family or all of my friends, I opted to take time to sort out my feelings on that.

In the meantime, I decided it was time to come out to my entire agency. Since I was forcibly outed, I’ve told a few people here and there; trying to get a feel for their responses, and to also give myself latitude so I did not have to filter myself all of the time. I found that the more people I told, the more Cadence came out. I was able to talk, act, and think like I needed to in the open, and my stress began to evaporate. Over the course of that weekend, I decided to come out at our pending department meeting on that Monday. 

At the meeting, my promotion to Sergeant was announced, and the Chief gave the other new Sergeant and myself a few moments to make a speech. When my turn came, I stated that over my time there, I’ve come to Love and respect my various co-workers as family. That being said, I felt it was time for me to tell them a bit more about who I am. I told them that I was transgender, and all I asked was that for the time being, until the possibility of transition becomes clearer for me, that we keep it amongst the family, or the police department; that this knowledge was not for the purview of the university as a whole, despite a select group of individual university staff/ Faculty outside of the police department knowing. I went on to describe the difference between a secret and a private matter, demonstrating how this was a private matter, and I was making the personal choice to let them into my world, that they were worthy of knowing. This implied of course that they would hold my private matter in quiet, and not disclose. 

Thus far, my coming out was rather uneventful. The few male officers who had been quite vocal about transgender issues leading up to my forcible outing were relatively accepting, and handled it very well. My girlfriend told me she had noted that one of our civilian administrators had looked at her Link’din account; presumably to try and piece together what a trans-woman would want in dating a woman. I’ve fielded a few questions about semantics such as that, been able to correct a few notions that were off or wrong. In general I’ve been fortunate to be able to use my coming out as a teachable moment, and so far, I’ve been rewarded by it. The amount of freedom I feel, the ability to speak my mind, and not filter what I say, think or feel, has been utterly amazing. I’ve found that Cadence comes out in my mannerisms and choices in words far more now that I do not have to filter. 

One downside I found was that my girlfriend was dismayed at my coming out in my office, since we work on the same campus. She was worried that word would spread throughout the campus despite my wishes, and that it may color how people view/ treat/ interact with her. I’ve tried to explain to her that it’s a liberal university, that they will be very accepting, and if they are not that liberal in their mindset, they really cannot treat her poorly due to her relationship with me, or run risk of generating a complaint from one or both of us. I tend to believe that a lot of our peers will be very supportive and even congratulatory of my coming out and her progressive stance on dating me, and not giving up on our relationship due to my coming out. But she is hung up on the lesbian label she worries will be affixed to her. I on the other hand embrace that lesbian label; it would affirm my femininity, as well as hers! But at the same time, I’ve always tried to frame things so that she sees me as a woman with a penis. Because the logical jump of conclusion would be, that keeps me from being a lesbian. And if I’m not a lesbian in the usual context, she is not a lesbian. But I do believe she may be getting into a better mindset, and that can only be a good thing.

In the past several weeks, she has said several times, in several different ways that she feels like our relationship has hit new levels of strength and maturity. At the same time, during very private, nearly intimate moments, she has referred to me with feminine pronouns. She is very cognizant of how important these things are to me, and how important they are to our relationship, having voiced as much in as many words. We’ve also begun spending time with other couples, and she has seen me interact with people whom are important to one or both of us. This was an important thing for her due to previous relationships she has been in. She has also seen me interact with other couples who were aware of my feminine nature, and how much more freeing life and those experiences are when I can be more me. She has seen Cadence come out more and more in social situations where everyone knows, and I think that is a healthy thing for her. It’s also a healthy thing for her to see the level of acceptance that other people are capable of, and that alienation is not as prevalent as she may worry that it could be.

After one of our most recent outings with another couple where both of them knew of my feminine nature, we were on our way home, and we entered into one of serious conversations. It started with me detailing a conversation I’d had with one of my dispatchers, and where my dispatcher had commented that my girlfriend was so lucky in how I approach and value our relationship, what I do to further our relationship, and what I do to protect our relationship and treat her right as well as how my girlfriend has what so many women want from their man or partner; that she was fortunate to have me as a partner. My girlfriend and I value these conversations, they are usually so validating as far as our Love, and we cover a lot of ground. This conversation was no different. We were talking, and she revealed to me that she was now able to frame me in her mind as a woman with a penis. I was overjoyed. Since I am not pursuing bottom surgery; that is how I frame myself in my mind. 

For her to be able to look at me that way, to give up a masculine pronoun and visual of me; that was a huge thing. She still adores my masculine façade, and I’m doing all that I can to make sure that she still has that masculine element. Despite it tripping up my dysphoria, when I have time off, I try not to shave my face. Because I know that gives her what she needs. I’ve tried to suggest that were I to transition that perhaps on my off days or during time at home, I could make attempts to have masculine days for her. But so far the word transition creates her own version of dysphoria; she has a lot of angst over that word, and I try to do my best to respect her in that regard and not mention transition if it is avoidable. 

I’ve tried to do my due diligence in figuring out if transition scares my girlfriend because she believes I want the bottom surgery, which I do not. From what I can determine, the idea of me living as a woman is simply where she is having problems coming to terms with it all. I respect her wishes, I do all that I can to demonstrate that, but I do wish she were able to feel more at peace about that. Maybe in time she will; but if she cannot, I’m resolving to do what I can to work around that. I’m resolving to find balance, to live dual-gendered. It breaks my heart, I want and need so much more. But I can only do what I can do. I sense in her potential to be so very happy. It truly feels like she was made for me. I just hope she is able to catch up to me and see the beauty of what Im trying to accomplish.

Ever & Always,

A truly saddened 

Cadence Elizabeth

Whew…glad that’s Over!

Wow, it’s been a hectic and dramatic month and a half. When last we left our heroine of the story, she had been prescribed her first month of hormones…

And that really is where we left off; unfortunately, there was a lot going on in the background I was hesitant to mention and in some cases I could not mention. Things have settled down, and pending matters were dealt with.

Mere days before I was to start hormones, a situation occurred at work where I was forcibly outed. I recently received an Special Victims Investigator position within my agency, and my sergeant decided it would be a good idea to go to Rachel, who also works with me, and tell her that the position would be a good fit for me due to my,

“Obvious feminine qualities.”

Rachel said nothing about it, but informed me later on. I also became aware of rumblings about “that trans-guy.” To that point, nothing was said about it in the open; just whispers, rumors and conjecture. Then one morning, my lieutenant was bragging on me and giving me kudos while explaining I’d be training and working beside my new lieutenant, who’d be starting in mere days. I should also mention I was up for a promotion to sergeant at that point as well. While the lieutenant was in the process of doing this, my sergeant decided that would be the appropriate time to suggest that my lieutenant had also informed my new lieutenant about my, “crossdressing ways.” To a room full of my fellow officers.
She was trying to take the kudos away from me, trying to steal that moment, and at the same time attempt to weaponize my Trans status against me. She was creating a situation where she could forcibly out me, or make me out myself. She said crossdressers, but we had recently been through Safe Space training; she apparently mistakenly thought “crossdresser” was a safe euphemism for Trans. She was proved wrong. Her initial statement to Rachel showed what she really meant.

The room fell silent. Minutes before, everyone had been joking around, having a good time. It was a typical shift change. Then that hateful woman opened her mouth, and the room fell silent. I already knew what she had said to Rachel weeks before, the two events were instantly connected with my mind. I could only glance at Rachel, and all the color had drained from her face.

I imagine my face fared the same. I did what I could to deflect it, and went home. I never did get any sleep, and I had just come off of a nightshift and had to go back to another one. I had gone back and forth on various options. But the only one that was a safe bet was to come out to my Lieutenant. Fortunately, he is gay, and when we worked for another agency together, he was forcibly outed. So I knew he understood. In my mind, there was no way I could explain to him about the two instances and the rumors and speculation I’d heard about, without coming out to him. I felt that if I was to complain about those multiple instances, that he would eventually figure out that where there is smoke, there was fire. He is a trained investigator after all. He knows a clue when he hears one.

I could only surmise how she found out. A few options come to mind. One theory is; we had a former officer who had a predilection with anything crossdresser or transgender related. I surmise he may have stumbled on this blog or my Facebook page, or found archived photos. Another theory is; our agency has a Social Media Analytics lab. It’s a computer lab that scours the geolocation data of social media, looking for certain search strings, activities, or key words. When officers are attached to that detail, they are required to sign nondisclosure orders, as well as orders which direct them NOT to research employees or police officers of the University. I tend to think she abused her usage of that system to create dossiers on everyone who was a risk to her or her advancement.

I had gone to that agency because it is at a liberal university, I knew that when I came out, it would be the best place for me to transition. I just had not planned on coming out this soon, I had not even begun hormones yet. Transition was still a little way down the road. But I knew I needed to take ownership of things a bit, I needed to control the message, and minimize the damage. I began by telling my Lieutenant. It was the easiest coming out I think I’ve ever encountered. I ended up having to make a written statement, as did everyone else in the room. Human Resources now had me on their RADAR.

I met with the head of Human Resources, and he was appalled at the treatment I’d been subjected to. His investigation was underway; he could not reveal what would take place, but he assured me it would be dealt with. I felt I was in good hands, and that my grievance was being heard and taken serious. He mentioned that perhaps I could be instrumental in helping write our institutions transgender policy, as well as our transition protocols. He felt I had a very bright future with the institution, and that I could potentially be an advocate or mentor to other transgender employees, possibly even transgender students.

I walked away from that meeting feeling good; but i was still wary. With good reason. HR had to brief my Chief on the complaint against my supervisor. He was not told I was transgender; it had been decided to minimize who knew. Within a few hours of my Chief being briefed, he apparently told my former supervisor, she then decided to double down on stupid.

A new male officer and friend of mine had made mention to her that due to having eight sisters, he had a particular affinity for women’s purses and shoes. He did not indicate he wore them, merely that he appreciated them. Maybe as a fetish, who knows? Anyhow, I was writing a report, and she was standing behind me, talking to two other officers. She told them the story about how he had mentioned he enjoyed purses and shows. She followed that up with saying that it was just disturbing and concerning. It was about this time that I could hear her shift to where she was looking at me as she spoke. Then she said something which was definitely directed at me, because of the aspect change in her voice, because she was no longer speaking away from me, her voice was directed towards me, despite the other two officers standing in another direction, but she also said something that was completely out of context to the rest of her conversation. But in the context of it being directed at me, it made sense; she said,

“How do you like them apples?!”

Again, that phrase was completely out of context in that conversation. I immediately contacted my HR rep, and made him aware, and I was yet again forced to write another statement. I tried to take into account maybe I was being hyper-sensitive to her forcibly outing me, and that maybe I was taking personal affront to what she said. But even as she was talking about the other officer, saying that his love of purses and shoes was concerning and disturbing, that felt like it was less about him, and more about me. Needless to say, my friend the purse guru, was told about her comments, and he too filed a grievance. My HR rep could not believe the gall she had to do that, and so brazenly. It was not long after all that , when the chief and the sergeant began to retaliate against my friend the purse guru. To the point the chief had even lied to the HR director about whether or not he had spoken to purse guru about a matter.

As things continued to develop, I was made aware that the chief had also stated he felt I should not be a supervisor or receive a promotion because of my complaint against my former supervisor; keep in mind, the complaint is sustained and factual, and he feels he could simply make a statement like that which has direct repercussions to my ability to grow upward in the organization, impact my wallet, and impact my career and reputation in general. Not to mention, it was retaliatory since I complained against the woman he was attempting to protect.

She really had no business being a police supervisor. She lacked the knowledge, experience, and wherewithal to be an effective supervisor. She would find capable officers such as myself, and ride their coattails, at least until they figured out that was what she was doing. She’d take ideas and bill them as her own. When you have a police supervisor who has to call her boyfriend to ask him what she should do in situations, that’s indicative she is incapable of the job, and that there is a problem. Then, when she forcibly outs a Trans employee, violates their rights, privacy, and God knows what else, that shows a pattern of abuse and negative retention. If you can’t tell, she picked the wrong girl to screw with; I earned my old supervisor stripes. I did my time in the trenches. From what I understand, she did not even make it past her field training with her first department.

My former supervisor continued to trip on her own feet, making multiple mistakes in judgement that did not pertain to me. She then turned in her resignation. At this point I can only surmise if that was her sensing the end was near, or if she was trying to gain leverage and get the University to counter. It wouldn’t surprise me if she thought that would work, she thought she had more value than she did, and she felt the chief was capable of covering for her; in fact, it appears he tried, but was unable to do so. She was eventually told her services were no longer needed or required, despite her resignation.

The chief is still here, what his future may hold, I do not know. I leave him alone if he leaves me alone. I’m still not very happy about him still being here; I feel his comment about me not receiving a promotion was retaliatory and biased. I’ve been researching various attorneys, and I’ve nailed down one who is a damn lion. I’m presently debating on what my next course of action will be. I’m a little angry that they have retained the chief to this point, I feel like doing so is negative retention, and affords him opportunity to continue to retaliate against me. And its also like they are saying, your concerns and complaints aren’t important enough to justify getting rid of him.

The University tried to do right by me, they got rid of her, but they didn’t do it using my complaint alone; they did not go after her certification numbers that I’m aware of; which means she could very well still get to be a cop elsewhere if she can con another agency to hire her. She could very well victimize another person like she did me. She could fail a citizen who needs her to be the best cop she can be, and she will fail them.

So now I am trying to figure out if it is even worth it to level a lawsuit, and if so, at whom. Granted, things are still slowly unfolding. There may be things going on in the background that could very well impact my decision on a lawsuit and whom to pursue. Which is why I am taking my time, waiting for all the results, and trying to give the University the benefit of the doubt.

In the aftermath of it all, I’ve only come out to a few o the other officers other than Rachel. I obviously came out to the one lieutenant, and when my new lieutenant began working, I also came out to him so he would be aware of the entire story in case my former supervisor tried to sway him to her side. I was aware that the new lieutenant was also gay, though she may not have ben privy to that, so she was fully capable of doing that; shed done it before. At present, I’m keeping the number of people within the department who know very small. I’ve told the ones I wanted to or had to. I will tell others on a need to know basis, at my discretion.

Transition is presently on hold for now, although I am still on hormones. I have good support structure at work for transition, I have a good social network of friends who now know. But I am still trying to see how my girlfriend feels about me as Cadence. As a note to my previous post; she intentionally referred to me as a woman. It was not her misspeaking emotionally. It gave me a chance to explain to her how much that meant to me. Some conversations are still difficult, it’s difficult to talk to her and see or hear the tears in her voice. Transition is still a hell of a trigger word, she is still afraid of losing my outer male presentation; she Loves the facade that is my male aspect. I’m still holding out hope she can and will fall in Love with me as Cadence, and that she will see that as unconventional as our Love will be, that it can work, that we can be happy, no matter what it looks like.

Thanks for reading all of this, I’ve been needing to get it off my chest, but was biding my time until things developed a little more. 

Ever & Always,

Cadence Elizabeth

Day Five

Hi ladies! Well day four may have been uneventful, but today showed itself. I was talking with my girlfriend, and I was trying to be funny…and dropped the ball horrendously. I had created a private facebook group for my male account where my riends who know of Cadence can get together and be supportive of me, but also each other, and so we can coordinate various social things I’d like to put together.

This was the photo I had posted.th

So anyhow, I tried to crack a joke about it…but I dropped the ball. I started by saying I had made it the photo for the facebook group, but a message and moment later, I said,

“But it applies to you too!” Yep. Too late. But I kept fumbling.

“Right now it applies to you more!” Yes. I said that.

To which she said,

“Why do you say right now?” Oh gosh.

I then said something about how I looked nothing like Cadence right now, and that the picture always applies to her…and that I was having a weird emotional flighty moment.

She responded that this was one of those things that shewasnt sure how to respond to and that she was sorting out her thoughts and feelings. Apparently, she felt suddenly that she wasnt beautiful, and also that she was now in competition with me as Cadence. Needless to say I spent the next hour digging myself out from under by fumbles, and letting her know that she is completely worthy of being called beautiful, and that I wish she could see herself the way I and my heart do.

She said,

“You are a very good looking and handsome man, and Cadence is attractive and pretty too. I am just not used to feeling competition with a woman I am in a relationship with.”

Despite the back and forth of me trying to demonstrate to her she is in fat beautiful, even more beautiful than me, the last line of that last quote resonated with me. That was the first time he had referred to me as a woman, much less being in a relationship with me as a woman. She has a lot of reservations when it comes to the word transition. She is fearful I will get to that point and it will make her run from me. We are taking baby steps, trying to get her to a point where that may not happen. Even to the point that we are simply shooting for a partial transition, where we are attempting to find balance. This is my choice, because to me, she represents my last chance at a conventional relationship, or happiness.

I am excessively fearful of becoming Cadence, and being alone for the rest of my days, never finding a woman who will Love Me as Cadence. Tracy represents a chance at carrying happiness into this new stretch of my life. I just have to help her get caught up to where I am at. I’ve had a lot of years to come to terms with this; it is my obligation to her to help her get caught up comfortably to where I am at.

I may be called wrong. I may be told that I’m not being true to myself or my true self. But in the end, every transition is different, every trans-woman is different. I may be told that I should not sell out my true self in order to have what I only think is one last chance at happiness and true Love. But to me, she is worth it. Sh, above anyone else is worthy of taking the time to see if there is the slimmest chance that She will learn to Love Me as Cadence. Today may have been a glimmer of hope towards that. Or maybe it was her misspeaking while emotional. I shouldnt read too far into emotional text conversations.

Anyhow, I will certainly have to be mindful of those moments where I feel disconnected or flighty emotionally.

Ever & Always,

Cadence Elizabeth