Girl talk… It’s what’s for lunch!

So yesterday I had arranged to take a day to spend as Caden. While I was getting ready, my friend Rachel messaged me about joining me for lunch. I was ecstatic; I had someone to share my daytime Caden time with. So we arranged where to meet.

I met her at the restaurant, and her response upon seeing me in person for the first time was that I looked adorable. I wasn’t shooting for adorable, but hey, I’ll take it! So we ordered lunch, and girl talk ensued. So many topics, so little time. Before we knew it, our lunch was pushing late into the afternoon.

She had confided in me she had never been too big on makeup; it had never been a huge necessity for her, and she felt simplicity was better. But she seemed almost giddy when I suggested we go to Ulta in two weeks and get makeovers. It will be my first professional makeover, so I’m pretty excited too. But throughout the afternoon, we both admitted to feeling giddy and happy. The conclusion we came to; we both had an instant girlfriend; one who we shared a bond with we couldn’t share with anybody else. That being where we had worked at previously.

We briefly discussed Mrs. Ex-wife and how she came to tell Rachel and her husband. I’m still in a very good spot with that; look at the happiness it brought me when Rachel told me she knew! How can I be mad about that? And to top it off, it backfired on her; she didn’t get the result she wanted AND in fact, it made Rachel and I even better friends!

Sure, there is no telling who else she told, but they’ve never said anything if they do know. Very few friends have filtered out of my life since that breakup, so I can only surmise they feel like Rachel, or they don’t know.

In the case of Drug and Chesty, I hesitate to inquire if Mrs. Ex-wife said anything to them. If they do indicate she mentioned it to them, it then creates a situation where I either have to deny it to their face, which I’m completely against, or I will feel compelled to tell them, just like I told Rachel when she brought it up.

Miss Girlfriend feels the same way; there is no sense in creating a situation if one does not exist. Why borrow trouble? Right?!

So while I was recounting the details of my day to Miss Girlfriend over dinner at this awesome little Trattoria, she told me she’d like to visit with Rachel. She explained that suddenly, her world opened up a little bit more too. She had somebody to talk to about it, she was no longer shouldering it alone. Which made perfect sense to me. I had hoped to set something like that in place when I’d pondered telling her co-worker; but I had not realized all of the benefits that came with it as far as Miss Girlfriend was concerned. Her arguments were suddenly exact carbon copies of mine. Her needs were copies of mine. I really did not see that coming.

So now our world is a little bit bigger, I feel validated and confirmed. I exist on a greater scale; I am not merely a construct within my mind. I have form and function as a person. I have friends, and I have value to those friends.

Ever & Always,
Caden Lane

Ex-wives…the gift that keeps on Giving

As you will recall, about two weeks ago, I was pondering telling a friend or friends about my dressing. After talking to Miss Girlfriend and my psychologist; I had elected to table the issue for bit. We came to that decision because none of us were sure how or when to proceed. It wasn’t exactly the course of action I wished to go with, but based on what we knew and our fears, it just made sense.

Then today happened. I received a series of text messages from my friend Rachel. https://southerncrossdresser.wordpress.com/2015/01/19/im-telling-you-or-am-i-2/ Rachel explained that she had been feeling guilty about something, and she wanted to come clean. She told me how during one of the two separations that my second ex-wife and I had, that my ex had told her I cross-dressed. Please keep in mind, my ex-wife only knew of my propensity to wear lingerie. But she had apparently communicated that desire to someone that was a professional peer, and a very close friend. Rachel felt Mrs. Ex-wife had done that in order to drive a wedge between Rachel and I. You see, Mrs. Ex-wife had a strong belief in “scorched earth tactics.” She did everything she could to make sure I had no support network. At this point, I have no way of knowing who all she told about my crossdressing.

If all she did was tell Rachel, then her plan backfired. Rachel was upset with herself due to the fact she had kept what Mrs. Ex-wife to herself, never telling me my ex had done that, and not talking to me to either validate it, or allow me to deny it. Upon hearing her confession, I had one of two choices. I could deny it; and if I had, Rachel confirmed she had been unsure if it was true, thinking Mrs. Ex-wife was simply being hateful and trying to lash out against my reputation. But she had also resolved that if what Mrs. Ex-wife had said was true, then if it made me happy, then it was fine by her. As you will recall, I knew Rachel wasn’t the judgmental type; that she was completely open minded. So my other option was to come clean with Rachel, and tell her exactly the truth.

Which is what I did. I told her who I was, what I did, how long I’ve done it, and showed her pictures. She was amazed at how good I looked. Her exact words were, “OMG YOU LOOK FREAKING STUNNING.” A higher compliment I could not have been paid. It felt amazing to be able to tell someone I was not romantically involved with. It felt awesome to hear her talk about wanting to go out with me and hang out with me while I was dressed as Caden. It was awesome to see her gush about my photos. But at the same time; I was a little disheartened. While I’ve harbored no love for Mrs. Ex-wife, I’ve tried so very hard to move away from resentment and hate. But oddly, I feel none of that even now. I simply see, as does Rachel, what Mrs. Ex-wife’s character really looks like. But I still cannot help but wonder how many friends she told in her effort to damage and hurt me. Recourse doesn’t seem to matter to me, and I’m finding I’m not as nervous and paranoid as I would have thought I’d be at the prospect of being outed.

I’ve suspected for a long time that she outed me to my brother and parents, however if they know, none of them have ever said anything; the denial runs deep with them, because they are especially bigoted. Which saddens me. But there is nothing I can do about that. Does this validate my concern she old my family? Difficult to say; they haven’t said much on the matter, save for a confrontation between my brother and I on the occasion of my first separation from Mrs. Ex-wife. Even then he only made innuendo, never outright saying what she had said.

So ignoring all the negatives, one of my closest friends now knows for a fact who Caden is. Rachel unknowingly validated me, allowed me to exist a little further in the real world. Rachel has increased my social abilities, and given me more options. I’m thankful Rachel decided to get that secret off her chest, in turn allowing me to fully share my private matter with her.

Ever & Always,

Caden Lane

Lost baggage Department: Guilt?

As crossdressers, we are prone to having and suffering any number of emotions. We are after all, human, and we are tethered to the human condition. Couple that with the fact we are doing something society deems “taboo,” and we are gonna have undesired emotion creeping in.

One of those emotions is usually guilt. It may be mixed with an unhealthy dose of shame as well. Simply because society thinks it knows better than our brains what we need to thrive and be happy.

When you have to hide what you do, shame or guilt becomes an issue. Those of us that thrive the best and have the least amount of shame or guilt are the ones who go out while dressed. I don’t mean sneak to a park or something; I mean go out for the purposes of socializing. It is the social aspect that eases those feelings of guilt and shame. It’s difficult to feel shameful when you are at a party rocking your fave little black dress and pumps.

As a caveat to that; you may have to deal with guilt if your spouse is at home and you’ve lied in order to go out to that party. Even if you are in a Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (DADT) relationship with your spouse or Significant Other (SO), and she doesn’t want to know details, you may still feel some guilt. You may certainly feel resentment for not being able to simply tell her about what you consider positive moments in your life.

I suppose DADT relationships would be a great topic for another essay. But for now, try to counter those negative emotions by surrounding yourself with CD/TG friends who understand your plight, whom you can confide in and tell about your exploits.

If your SO or spouse doesn’t know, consider telling her. But realize all the possible outcomes before you do. Know that her reaction may be entirely negative and you too may find yourself in a DADT relationship, or worse.

I suppose the most positive thing to consider is; there is nothing wrong with being a Crossdresser or Transgender. Society is changing. Perhaps too slowly, but it’s doing it; with elements of society kicking and screaming the whole way.

So many people want to still act as though it is shameful for a grown man to embrace femininity. Is it shameful to be a woman? Is it shameful for her to wear her clothes? Is it shameful for a woman to wear mens styled clothing? So why is it shameful for a man to eschew his male gender role, even temporarily? Why is it shameful for him to embrace something he identifies with closer than male clothing and his gender role? Why do there have to be gender roles at all? Isn’t that what feminism is fighting against in effect?

Try to have the perspective that the reason you feel the way you do is because society feels obliged to tell you what it will and won’t accept. In some cases such as common sense laws, society has every right to set its expectations. But why would you allow them to dictate to you that you should be happy, angry or sad? Why hand over the keys to our emotional wellbeing?

Aside from gender-grief, what has society done to elevate your well being? From my perspective as a layman; society only seems to oppress people emotionally, to restrain them from their true emotional potential. I suppose if I saw more positivity coming from societies “rules” then I wouldn’t rail against it so hard.

Other people’s problem with what you do, shouldn’t be your problem. So do not become emotionally invested in their problem. Remain above it. Do not feel guilt or shame based on their twisted, outdated way of looking at things. Make their view the minority, and if they cannot accept and adapt, let them fall to the wayside as society evolves.

In the graphic above, Iggy Pop, who I do not recall being a fan of, was quoted as saying, “I’m not ashamed to dress ‘like a woman’ because I don’t think it’s shameful to be a woman.” True words. My hope is that everyone finds Love, understanding and acceptance; and that shame, guilt, regret and remorse will be nothing but distant memories.

Ever & Always,
Caden Lane

Facebook…what was I thinking.

So I recently decided it was time for Caden to enter social media. Yeah, I got (another) Facebook account. Oh I imagine the feds were loving that! While I’ve continuously had a web presence since the late nineties, It has been a long time since I ventured into chat rooms or social media. My first forays onto the net involved the old yahoo chat rooms, way back when you could create your own sub-genre rooms. It was there my early online education about my crossdressing began, and questions I’d had for decades began to get answered.

As time went on, I began to find yahoo groups and websites which continued to fill in the blanks and provide an endless stream of friends. But there was a constant in all of these explorations. This constant began to make me view this time of my life as my crossdressing puberty. Just as teen girls have to get used to people paying them more attention, I suddenly had to be aware of men taking an interest in me. Something which even today still turns my stomach. You had the obvious creepers who were obvious about what they wanted, the Don Juan’s who figured if they acted all romantic and seductive they would woo the “unsuspecting” crossdressers and TG. These creeps tended to “come to your rescue,” thinking if they tried to shut other creepers up, that you’d magically fall for their charms, or lack thereof. They were comical at best. Then there was the creepiest of the lot, the ones who pretended to be CD/TG to get into the good graces of the room regulars. They played a good game, and got plenty of attention, but eventually they would be outed as fakes, and things would go back to a normal pace.

I considered it my CD puberty, because I suddenly found myself having to fend off this unwanted attention. I had to figure out things that girls learn over their entire life. I had to develop social filters that were nonexistent in my mind. Those red flags that women get when somebody is acting creepy, I had to figure those out! I had to figure out delicate and not so delicate ways to shut down men’s advances. I also had to figure out ways to determine if somebody really was a CD/TG or faking it. I even had to figure out if a man was hitting on me. Like I had ever experienced that before. But there was also the fact that I was in denial that they would! I grew intensely angry that I was somebody’s fetish. I was suddenly a thing, not a person. With each dirty comment, I felt my humanity striped away. I felt that if they could they would strip away my respect. I suddenly understood feminism. I did not want to be an object. I despised their attentions. I wanted them to all go away. But the trolls as we called them, would not. They would not be denied, they knew what the object of their desire was, and they would have it, even if we had no intention of giving it to them. Of course there were girls who reveled in this sort of attention. Those weren’t the sort of girls I cared to associate with.

Now that I’ve returned to social style media, some of these same patterns have emerged. You have the same cast of characters out there. But wait, now there are even more! Yes, since the late nineties, the ol’ interwebz has spread throughout the world. So now there are Indian and Pakistani men who are enamored with CD/TGs. Let us also not forget the muslim men who constantly, did I say constantly, I meant CONSTANTLY are seeking out CD/TG, even if mohammed wouldn’t like it. They do not take rejection very well. None of the foreign men seem to.

At first I tried to be polite. If they poked me, messaged me, or attempted to send a friend request, I would simply send them a brief, polite message telling them I did not chat with, or friend men. Easy and polite enough right? Wrong. I was cursed at, I’m pretty sure my chastity was promised to a herd of a thousand camels, and I was also blocked. For simply being polite and respectable. Not knowing how many blocks it takes to get banned by Facebook, I had to go on the offensive. So at the first message, poke or request, the block hammer comes out. It is a shame one has to do that, to avoid being objectified, seen as somebody’s fetish, to have respect and humanity stripped from you. But I’ve never been about empowering creeps. All we can do is take a stand when it happens, and say I won’ stand for it!

Ever & Always,

Caden Lane

Psychologist Day Part 2: General Anxiety Disorder

Good evening all!

Thought I’d have a little fun with the title. So a bad movie sequel title it was. LoL. So the visit went well, I pretty much managed to get everything on my list and then some covered. I was able to tell her about the blog, and she was thrilled about it, and thrilled to hear it was so helpful in giving me an outlet for my writing, and for Caden in general. I even managed to invite he to come take a look at my blog.

All in all, it was a good visit.

Ever & Always,

a processed Caden Lane

Psychologist day!

So today is a psychologist visit. I’m brainstorming; trying to figure out some points I’d like to bring up or that I feel are important or relevant. I might not be able to get to the entire list, conversations with her have a life of their own. But the goal is to get to as many as possible.
• Started the Blog!
• Wanting to come out to friends. Is it a good idea? My frustrations with trying to resolve which friends.
• The isolation I feel as of right now with just my GF knowing.
• Concerns about not being able to be social.
• Frustration with not being able to dress much this past month and a half. My thoughts on the failure of THE Sorority being a part of that!!?
• The question she asked me about living as a woman and the percentage of time.
• My recent observations on authenticity, confidence, simply “being,” and feeling pretty.
• The frustration my GF felt recently at my dressing being one of only a few methods of de-stressing.
• My worries about pushing it too far with my GF. Worrying about how much or how little we communicate about it. Worries about helping her understand.

Even if I get to half of those, it would be a very busy session. Wish me luck ladies!

Ever & Always,
A very debriefed Caden Lane

So I realized…

While reading one of Kit’s posts, I noted she was pointing out a distinct lack of crossdresser/ significant others within the community. She introduced her wife via a nom de plume, and it made me realize I had failed to even do that. I’ve merely referenced her as, My Girlfriend.”

Someone as awesome as her deserves better than that. She, as far as I know, won’t be posting or blogging, but I feel it inherently respectful to refer to her in some specific way. I’ve previously asked her when I started posting at crossdressers.com and she was unsure of what to choose.

I thought about going humorous and saddling her with “Dr. Girlfriend” ala The Venture Brothers, but her voice isn’t raspy. At all. Although she would look pretty awesome in a Dr. Girlfriend costume. Besides, a humorous nickname didn’t feel respectful. But her real name is a no go. Her privacy is paramount.

I know the casual reader can’t help me here; you have no context to go by. But I would like to hear your thoughts on the matter. But I just tend to write about what’s on my mind, to sort of process it all through. Ya’ll will know when I’ve had a breakthrough though.

Ever & Always,
Desperately seeking a name Caden Lane

Are we all just Satellites?

While sitting here writing another blog article, I heard the James Blunt Song Satellites. Please humor me a moment while I show you the lyrics;

She’s another victim of life, we’ve come to know,
Technology, celebrity, all the things you cannot hold
She’s from a long lost tribe looking for the light
Or a friend to hold her hand
She’s doing the best she can

Seems that everyone we knows is
Out there waiting by a phone
Wondering why they feel alone
In this life

Are we all just satellites?
Where’s the love? Show me tonight
Here’s the moment we unite
For all we know life’s just to dream
Who the hell knows what it means?
Stop the world and sing with me

All her memories have been
Experienced through
High speed on a video screen
That’s all she ever knew
Did you know none of it’s real if you can’t feel
The beating of someone’s heart
Don’t leave yourself in the dark

Seems that everyone we knows is
Out there waiting by a phone
Wondering why they feel alone
In this life

Are we all just satellites?
Where’s the love? Show me tonight
Here’s the moment we unite
For all we know life’s just to dream
Who the hell knows what it means?
Stop the world and sing with me

Are we satellites?
Are we satellites?

Are we all just satellites?
Where’s the love? Show me tonight
Here’s the moment we unite
For all we know life’s just to dream
Who the hell knows what it means?
Stop the world and sing with me

Are we all just satellites?
Where’s the love? Show me tonight
Here’s the moment we unite
For all we know life’s just to dream
Who the hell knows what it means?
Stop the world and sing with me

While the song is obviously addressing the technological way we interact and maintain our relationships these days, there were undertones to the lyrics which spoke to me. A great many crossdressers live their life in much the same way as the people this song details. They lead a vicarious life, via remote, and it is all they know. They are doing the best they can. Are we simply satellites unto ourselves? Are we willing to simply live life via high speed video screens? There has to be more to life than just that. We need real, tangible connections, to real people, interaction on a base human level. We should always be working to expanding our horizons, uniting and meeting new people, making new friendships. We need people we can hold, heartbeats we can feel. I guess the song just struck a chord in me, I’ve been singing it for thirty minutes while writing another essay, and this one. I wish it had inspired me more, this blog feels sort of short. But the song is poignant enough on its own merit I suppose. Sometimes you just cannot add to perfection.

Ever & Always,

Sing-a-long Caden Lane

I’m telling you…or am I?!?

I have recently been pondering “coming out” as Caden to some friends. Not on the grand scale of telling everyone I know, just a few very important friends. Two of the friends are very close female friends from back when I was in law enforcement. Let’s call them Rachel and Renee. I worked with Rachel, and we’ve been friends ever since. Renee and I have been close friends since she checked my partner and I out as a suspicious vehicle while I was undercover, and we were on a surveillance operation. I’ve known Rachel for about eleven years and Renee for twelve.

I’ve told the two of them many secret and private matters over the years, but never a private matter of this magnitude. I’ve left law enforcement and have no desire to go back, but I do stay in contact with some people that are mutual friends with these two ladies. I do not necessarily worry about them saying anything to anyone; I’m just sort of trying to process my thoughts, and justify my desire to tell them about it.

I trust them implicitly with my life. I know that if I was in danger, they would be the ones I’d want to have my back. The same holds true in my secrets/ private matters, and our friendships. So please do not think it is a matter of trust. It just boils down to fear, possibly of rejection, but also much more. I also know their love for me transcends that. But how many times have we heard of loving family and friends who shunned an otherwise loved family member. So it is still a cause for concern.

Then there is “Drug” and “Chesty.” The only one of those two with the accurate nickname is Chesty. But they were both oddly enough named that by my phone. I think they should call it autocorrupt, not autocorrect. I have not known them quite as long as Rachel or Renee. I’d say I’ve known them six years. They are a new married couple, with a newborn child. Drug is my best male friend, our senses of humor are in complete sync and he’s sort of a weird mixture of a “man’s man” and a hipster. So I am not entirely sure how he would take it. Chesty is a beautiful cheerleader girly girl/ fashionista type. I’m not sure how well either of them would take it, or if they would want me around their child confusing things. But I could respect that, but obviously, one of the reasoning’s for coming out is to help this side of me be more real, but also to expand social options. My hope is that if I do come out that they would be willing to socialize with me while en-femme. My friendship with Drug is probably the most satisfying male friendship I’ve had in my adult life.by satisfying, I mean; fulfilling, rewarding, valued, not just empty or for show. He is a true friend, and in my life, and in this life in general, THAT has true value. All the more reason to not damage that relationship, on would surmise. Another downside to telling Drug is that he presently works at and is a rising supervisor at a facility that I will be trying for a job at in a few years. The last thing I’d want to do is put him in an awkward situation or risk my job prospects there once I’m out of school.

Then there is Molly, my Girlfriend’s co-worker/ supervisor. I think highly of her and enjoy her company when she is out with my GF and I. I just have some pause here, as I would hate to cause my GF any problems where she works. Of course there were some recent revelations from Molly the other night while we were all out partying that would complicate matters in their own for Molly, but also make me feel it may be safe to confide in her, that she may have some understanding of the less than usual. There is another reason I would like to confide in Molly, and I tell myself it’s a selfless reason; to my knowledge, my GF has only confided in one person about my dressing. She confided in an old college friend who lives in the approximate area of the west coast… I don’t think I can be any vaguer there. My hope is by telling Molly, my Girlfriend would have someone closer she could easily talk to and confide in. Would it work? Who’s to say; this is all rather new territory for me. I can count on one hand, with fingers left over, the number of people who know about me. And two of those never met Caden, just my lingerie wearing male counterpart.

As you’ll notice, the vast majority of these candidates are female. I have of course always made better friends with women, and they have been far more satisfying friendships. Usually friendships with men leave me feeling cold. Probably because I feel I have to try so hard to seem like one of the guys. Given a choice between a group of women or men, the odds are that the women will discuss things that interest me, and talk about it longer than the male group. My male interests are very limited, and due to that, the range of topics for me is pretty limited. And if they change topics, my interest will wane, forcing me to fake interest. Simply not my preferred place to be, I like being authentic, so of course authentic conversation would certainly be preferred. But this has been on my mind so much of late, I’ve even begun to dream about it. To me, as a writer, things within my dream get special credence. So much of what I write comes from them; to me it is an artistic canvas. In this instance, I have pause; I cannot simply take the dreams at face value. I have to exercise discernment and wise judgment. Not good judgment, that is not quite good enough.

So, as I said earlier, I know the various reasons why we TG/ crossdressers wish to come out. We need to feel validated, real. We no longer want this aspect of our lives to simply feel like an abstract idea. We wish to increase our social options, and no longer feel like we are hiding out. We want to feel authentic to ourselves. We want the truth of who we are to be out there, and know that our friends accept the fluidity of who we are. We don’t wish to hide the truth from those whom are important to us. We want to be able to hold a conversation and not have to worry about if we may slip up in a conversation and say something telling. We simply wish to simplify an otherwise complicated life. By telling those important to us, it sort of reduces the need for us to exist in a duality. We are able to simply be us.

It truly all boils down to what we are willing to loose or sacrifice. There is no action without reaction, and we can no longer exist in a vacuum if we invite others in there with us. But honesty is important to me in all things, and it hurts me to think I’m not being truthful with my very close friends. I feel as though I’m on the precipice of something important in wanting to tell them. It’s a barrier I want and need to cross, I have so much uncertainty, and I would feel disingenuous if I were to go to each of them and toss a hypothetical scenario at them. Besides, they are all college graduates, certainly no dumb ones in the bunch. I’d hate to insult their intelligence. But I also feel I do that all the time just by not being me, and being forthcoming.

Just because I tell them does not mean I will present as Caden all the time. That is not the issue here. The ultimate goal here is to have the option; and to be completely honest and forthcoming with the people I enjoy surrounding myself with. My educated guess says to tell Rachel and Renee, perhaps one at a time, stretching it out months to years before going to the next one. That way, if this need to tell is satisfied by telling one, then I still have a reserve for another time. But there is also no reason to go blistering forward with no plan, and being haphazard. I worry about the girls who do that; we say they are caught up in the pink fog. However, my goal here is to approach this in a reasoned intellectual manner. I think I’ll cause both myself and my Girlfriend less distress that way.

So after showing this article to Miss Girlfriend, we were able to come to the conclusion that Molly is off the list. There is simply far too much chance for drama and problems at her work for somebody to know about me. Drug and Chesty cannot be on the list because of the reasons I detailed earlier. Renee is sort of iffy, for the fact she is just kind of, well country. Please do not take that as code for redneck, but she is who she is, and I’m not sure there is any room for “unconventional” in her world. Which leaves my oldest and dearest friend Rachel. We are both torn on whether it would be safe to confide in her. She still has so many connections to my old life, and I’ve simply no way to guarantee she would not say anything to her husband. After my conversation with Miss Girlfriend, I feel more isolated than ever. Miss Girlfriend pointed out accurately that I still have her. Which in and of itself is a tremendous boon. I’ve been truly alone in my dressing and truly isolated. In some ways that was self-imposed isolation, and isolation due to the shame my spouses felt about it. Only since I have met Miss Girlfriend has that isolation begun to slightly diminish. But it is still there, I still seek understanding and validation beyond what she can provide. However no one can provide the Love coupled with understanding and acceptance she provides. That is her realm, her gift to me, and nobody can top that. And it certainly isn’t what I’m seeking. It is her special place no one can usurp. It is my hope she would understand my feelings on that. I do not want her to think I take her understanding and acceptance for granted, or that I do not appreciate her. Far from the contrary. I just know I need my world to be bigger than her. I know it will never be the entire world, that would be too close to meaning transition. I just need to know that I’m not locked in a cage, that my efforts are real, that there are others like me, who suffer the same ordeals, real and psychological as I.

But at present, I just feel alone and isolated, and that hurts. This isolation is less about choice. It may be due to a lack of options, but that is something which is apparently out of my control. So I’m left feeling sort of helpless in the matter. I’ve no shortage of online friends and compatriots. And I’m sure with a little planning and effort on my part, I could find a social group to become involved with. And that may very well be the solution I go with. But to me, there will always be something very personal about having a friend who bridges your worlds, and understands the facets of who you are. Miss Girlfriend does that for me, and it’s an awe inspiring feeling to know she is there. I suppose one of my fears is that she thinks like Lady Muck, a spouse of a crossdresser who responded to one of my essays or comments earlier this week. To Lady Muck, our dressing and such is sort of ho hum, something they do all the time and take for granted. The issue at hand is; we do not take it for granted, it has relevance and importance to us. So we cannot afford for our spouses to lose something in the translation. I suppose the key is finding parallels. Parallels in something they are just as passionate about.

It is a bit superficial of us to presume that simply because we have feminine fashion and makeup in common that we actually have something in common. There is more to femininity than that. To have a deeper conversation, you have to have a deeper purpose, a deeper meaning. Perhaps that is the better approach; not presuming that femininity is the common ground, but passion is; make an example of something they themselves are passionate about, and break it down into similar components. We may never be able to fully relate to women; I’m certain there are some out there who are insulted we try. Yet others wish their husband could relate to them better, and understand where they are coming from, and see their side of things or their perspective. That is a mixed bag there, for sure. After speaking to Doc about things, I am still not sure where I am. She was able to see my perspective on needing to feel authentic; that I need to be more than an abstract idea.

Doc knows I need my world to be bigger than it is, but she also understood mine and Miss Girlfriend’s concerns and worries. In the end, I felt better about talking to her, but resolution was not forthcoming. In the end, we are who are, we are still human, and we need what we need. We simply have to analyze what is important to us most, assess value, and determine what we may be willing to loose or part ways with. We are the only ones that have to live our life, but there are still people out there that suffer splash damage due to our choices. I suppose sometimes it is not so much about the decision itself; it is about the process we use to reach that decision. We may rush to a decision, and make a snap judgment. We may have to; but if given the luxury to ponder the decision, and make a reasoned, intellectual decision, I’m sure we can agree that the decision reached will have some level of merit and credibility. I may not have my answer I sought at the beginning of this essay. But by trying to process that decision on this page, I feel I’ve made a level of progress I may not have had otherwise. I now can appreciate a measured response to simply rushing the decision passionately. It has even allowed me to reason out a perspective on communicating things better to Miss Girlfriend. I hope that method works better.

Ever & Always,

A contemplative Caden Lane