Getting out of my own Way

Good morning dear readers. I hope this nationwide cold snap we all seem to be undergoing right now is treating everyone kindly. To those on the other side of the pond, I say “Brrrrrr.” No cold shoulder intended.

So I’m sitting here at work, wishing it were warmer, and lamenting how little I’ve been able to spend as Caden of late. I once imagined, when I was miserable in my second marriage, what it would be like to have a Significant Other who accepted my feminine desires. I certainly imagined greater latitude to dress up, do my makeup, and go out.

While I presently do not live with my girlfriend, living situations do not exactly make it easy to wander around the house in my favorite outfits, apply my makeup in the mirror, or walk out the front door to spend an evening on the town. No, the reality of my life clearly defines what can and cannot be accomplished. Even my work schedule prevents an evening out, due to my having to wake up at four AM in order to be at work. My two teenage children, whom I have custody of require a significant amount of time and money. I cannot and will not neglect my Girlfriend of her time. I do tend to feel guilt if I want to schedule “Caden Time” on a weekend where I could spend time with her.

Of late, many of my outings as Caden have been during the weekday, on my days off. Pretty much the only upside to having weekdays only off. But even those days have been far and few between of late due to the holidays.

So here it is, a brand new year, and I’ve resolved to not neglect myself as Caden. I’ve resolved to allow myself a fair amount of purchases, but without going overboard. I’ve resolved to spend more time as Caden, to enjoy some trips as Caden. I’ve also resolved to come up with a tangible wish list/goal list for myself. I’ve said for years I wish I could attend the Southern Comfort Conference, but I’ve never taken any steps towards attending. I’m a list maker, and it has never even made a list. This may be in part due to the fact that until these past few years, it never felt like it was a reasonable or even possible goal. But it is certainly on the list now.

I’ve also resolved to refine my look further, and practice my makeup skills even more. I certainly need all I can get. This is bolstered by the two Ulta makeup kits my GF got me for my birthday back in December. While it may seem a little superficial, I’ve also resolved to start replacing all of my brushed with Ulta, It! brand brushes, even if just one at a time. But most importantly, I’ve resolved to spend more time on my writing. NO matter which project I’m working on. It is my sincere hope this blog will serve as inspiration.

So as I sit here thinking of all these things, I cannot help but wonder how I can resolve this need to spend more time as Caden. The only thing I can do, is do it! Even my college classes are working in my favor this semester, because I only have one physical class, slated for Monday evenings. Tuesdays are still free. Even Monday during the day is free if I want it to be. It is simply a matter of deciding to do it, and not making any excuses.

Why do I feel like I’m making excuses? I have not a single clue. I think of all the reasons for why I have not dressed as much as I’d like, money is the biggest, but the second biggest reason, is me. It is a lot of work to emerge as Caden, especially when you take into account that I generally have to get ready in my car. Its just as much work to make Caden go away in the front seat of my car. And beard cover is no fun taking off without facilities. But it comes down to the question, “Who do I want to be today?”

So now I resolve to no longer be lazy where Caden is concerned. If I enjoy my time as her, I damn well better learn to enjoy the time it takes to become her. I may never enjoy the time it takes to make her go away at the end of the day or night. I cherish my time as Caden, but her going away is a necessary evil.

As I sat here debating on how to close out this article today, my mind had not quite come out of its creative thinking methods. My mind made another connection as to why I may not have taken the efforts to dress as much. I’ve honestly been sort of depressed about the lack of traction the Sorority I’ve started had. I started it back in the Spring of 2014, and at first it looked like it had potential for great growth. But within months, active readership plummeted. I had such high hopes for it, and what it could represent for other local crossdressers. I may have to elaborate on it in one of my next articles.

But I’ve been in a sort of funk about The Sorority, I had hoped it would have even given me a social outlet as well. While I enjoy and cherish my times out with my GF, I do not want to inundate her with Caden trips out. I don’t want her to feel its being forced upon her. I want and need her to feel she has an escape mechanism. I fight the pink fog quite often, trying to refrain from talking about Caden things as much as I’d like to. Let’s face it, after my two failed marriages, I always feel like I’m walking a very fine line in acceptance versus rejection. I worry if I push the envelope too far or too much, this woman I Love unendingly will simply give up and refuse to allow Caden in the door.

I guess the only thing to do is pull my heels up by their straps, and set about finding closer friends for social time as Caden! Game on!

Ever & Always,
Caden Lane

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One thought on “Getting out of my own Way

  1. Well as a curious aside, after I wrote this article, my supervisors called me to their office to let me know my new days off are now Thursday/ Friday. Does it beat Monday/ Tuesday? Remains to be seen. I was hoping for Saturday/ Sunday. But they seem to have differed in opinion. Well, I’ll simply have to make the best of it now won’t I?!?

    Ever & Always,
    Caden Lane

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