I’m sorry the last few days have been so distracting to me. Without going into the details, I’ve been very stressed out these past few days. Nothing huge or major, just personal. Since I prefer to keep this blog space as positive as I can, I decided to exclude the details.
Which sort of makes this article difficult to write. So let’s just call the problems what they are; stressors. My stressors had been a driving force for me all day, and I struggled to keep from sinking into a dark depressed place. But I felt I had done a good job. The problem was, I sounded sort of like Eeyore from Winnie The Pooh due to the mental exhaustion of worrying, and working all day. It also doesn’t help I get up at four in the morning and sleep on average four to five hours a night. Exhausted is a constant state of being for me.
So my GF refers to my Eeyore voice as me going into a “dark place,” which stresses her out. She feels obliged to help, and helpless when she seemingly can’t. So I had to figure out how to defuse that along with everything else.
Finally managed to put her at ease, found my laugh and my smile, and managed to put the stressors behind me. While we were brainstorming, she asked me what can I do to ease some of my stress. Thinking she knew that my dressing was my greatest stress reliever, I was aloof in saying, “it’s just not feasible right now.” I heard a sigh come from her, but she didn’t say anything.
So I dropped her off at work, and drove to school to get my books. On the way there I thought about it, and if the opportunity was available, I was gonna go out dressed Friday during the day. When I picked her up from work for me to go back to school for my class, I segued into mentioning my intentions. One, to let her know I wanted to address my stress, and two, because she recently mentioned taking some Friday’s off so we could spend some time together.
Later, despite knowing my intentions for Friday, she suggested that we go car shopping. So as badly as I was needing Caden time, I had to make that concession on car shopping. Because that was an unfortunate need as well.
I immediately felt like I wasn’t being true to myself or needs, while at the same time trying to address another need. I was truly conflicted, especially considering my recent article about getting out of my own way.
It just suddenly felt like she didn’t understand my dressing needs. Although in retrospect, she may not understand how my mind prioritizes it.
So today I messaged her and tried to clarify what I was thinking, what I was needing, why I said what I said, when I said it. My hope is, it will open up a fresh dialog. It seems like we talk about it sparingly at times. We might touch on a purchase or something, or comment about something we saw that might work. But we don’t seem to get in depth into how it fits into our relationship. As it turns out, she still wants to spend time with me Friday, so Caden gets Thursday. Although she promised a friend I would come troubleshoot his network Thursday evening. So now I have to make sure I’m de-Cadened and makeup free before I go over there.
I suppose my past relationships have me gun shy on trying to reach out too much or bringing it up too much. I know the past rejections have caused me a lot of pain, and left their mark in other ways. I’m still fearful I’ll mention it one too many times and she will be furious or make demands that I stop completely.
I try to remind myself she is more tolerant and understanding. I try to remind myself that she has at least tried to understand more about it. But in the end, I do not know what she doesn’t know about it. I don’t know if she knows how many times I’ve purged, and tried to stop. It always feels like there is so much to tell her, yet I never know what to tell her, or if I even should. Well I know I should, but it goes back to that worry of it driving her away, or hurting her.
The happiness she has brought me, not even counting her acceptance, help, or understanding, makes me never want to hurt her in any way or form. Her Love means too much.
I suppose next week when I go see my Psychologist, I should ask her what I should do.
Enough rambling for now…Off to bed. G’night all!
Ever & Always,