Good afternoon dear readers!
Okay, so Tuesday, I have an appointment with my psychologist. Normally, it is not a very trying visit for me. I very much enjoy my visits with her; I get to talk things out, get things off my chest and bounce concerns off of her. This week’s visit is a bit different. On my last visit, she gave me some homework; she asked me to consider that if I could live as Caden full time, would I, and if so, what percentage of the time would I see myself living as Caden.
I have thought about it for a month, going backwards and forwards, trying to figure out where my head is at. The easy, obvious answers are right there in front of me. Yes please. Given the option, and all things being easy and equal, I’d do it in a heartbeat. The second easy answer is, maybe an eighty/twenty split, eighty percent of the time as Caden, and twenty percent of the time as my drab self. The reasoning behind this is my girlfriend. I know that living as Caden one hundred percent of the time simply wouldn’t be acceptable for her. She doesn’t identify s a lesbian, and while I wouldn’t be a woman, me looking feminine wouldn’t do anything for her.
But it is more complex than that. My girlfriend’s family would never understand. My children and my family would never understand. Some mutual friends may understand. But it is simply not feasible to live as Caden; no matter how much I would enjoy life s Caden, or how badly I want to. At this point, I feel like I cannot answer her request in the spirit of her original question. I also worry that perhaps this question is some sort of test, which might label me somehow, or make her take a different angle on her questioning. Or maybe she is concerned that I may be transsexual. I mean, how do I explain THAT to my girlfriend? That is one of her concerns, and why she says I need to be honest with myself. But I have no interest in transitioning. The most I would ever want done is to get a boob job and laser hair removal. But if my GF thinks I am TS, I may very well lose her. She doesn’t have a sexuality that would be conducive to being in a relationship with a female, and perhaps even a TG who splits the two relatively evenly.
For the first time in my life, because of her presence in my life, I’m truly happy. I would hate to lose all of that simply because I am who I am. I am not entirely fearful that I am TS, for the fact that I do not suffer the same dysphoria I’ve seen and heard others suffer from since I first got on the internet. I would imagine there would be a greater deal of emotional and psychological turmoil than I presently feel day to day. If anything I feel I’m just way further up the spectrum than your average Crossdresser. Just the whole thing has me in a weird space.
Ever & Always,
A very ponderous Caden Lane