Coming out… For the recently deceased

I had recently created a list of potential articles for an on-line TG/CD magazine I contribute to. This subject matter was on the list, and it recently came up at crossdressers.com, a website where I post actively, while I was in final draft stage of the article. It’s not my usual positive subject matter, but it is my hope to address it in a positive and helpful manner which doesn’t leave you hearing funeral dirges.

Often, no matter what part of our life we are talking about, we rarely take into account end of life scenarios. I believe it is something which deserves due diligence. Some of us spend our lives in secret never taking into account the ticking emotional time bomb we stand to leave our Loved Ones at the time of our passing.

Often, these secrets/private matters will be revealed when Loved Ones go to clean out our homes, apartments or storage. If we do not leave information for them explaining what they’ve found, they may jump to their own conclusions, and it may very well not be the truth as we know it and experience it. The human mind is often going to accept the simplest explanation. This could work in your favor if your living situation would allow them to believe they were items left over from some past love. However, you’ve no real guarantee they will go in this direction. They may also believe the clothing are remnants of some past affair. Your family may also find what you’ve left behind, make all sorts of wild speculations about your sexuality, proclivities you may or may not have had, associated affairs that did or did not take place, and possible STD exposure you may have subjected Loved Ones to.

They may then be hyper emotional, because not only have they lost you, but now they find out you had all manner of secrets you did not confide in them because you obviously did not trust them enough, on top of all the other speculations they may make.

Is that the legacy or memory any of want to leave behind? Of course all of this takes a few things for granted; as in, does your spouse or SO know. If your spouse or SO knows, then great! But do not take for granted they will know exactly what you’d like done in the event of your passing. Also, do not take for granted a worst case scenario where you and your spouse part simultaneously. No one expects or hopes for that; however it is best to be prepared for eventualities, which is what this article is all about.

Recently, a very out Transsexual woman named Jennifer Gable passed away and her father, against her wishes, buried her as a man. She had legally changed her name, and fully expected to be treated as a woman. However, for whatever reason, her father had her presented as a man in an open casket. The Funeral home indicated the confusion could have been avoided if a Last Will had been in place. They said because her death certificate indicated male, they followed common practices and family wishes.

If you do not trust family to follow your wishes, despite a will, make funeral arrangements with a funeral home of your choice, give them specifics, a copy of your will and make sure you let them know where you do and don’t want family to have latitude. Then, make family aware of your burial arrangements, perhaps excluding your special conditions. They cannot abide by your wishes on which provider you wish to use, if they do not know.

But also keep in mind, funerals are not for the deceased. They are for family. If you present as a male most of the time, it would be rather selfish to ask to be presented as a female, against family wishes. That’s not the time nor place to come out to everyone. The time for that sort of statement is when you are still walking around. Funerals are of course a very emotional time, and why shock and surprise everyone needlessly, while simultaneously creating hard feelings.

About a year ago, I had Bariatric surgery for weight-loss purposes. Having known people that died on the table, I had concerns. So I prepared a will, made a living will, and also had a very frank conversation with Miss Girlfriend about where my Caden stuff was stored. She agreed that should anything happen to me, she would take it and destroy it. My intention was not to harm my family with my private matters in the wake of my passing. If you’ve anyone in your life you can trust, perhaps a burn-box is an option. I’ve known police officers and military personnel who kept such boxes in their lockers. They were either marked as a burn-box, or they had made special arrangements.

Another option is to leave a prominently displayed letter within your stash. Such a letter should spell out a great many things. First and foremost it should be a very clear admission or statement about the contents of the box. It should spell out in a loving and understanding fashion, with a lack of any bitterness why you felt you could not confide in your loved ones. Perhaps telling them that you hold no ill-will or resentment would be a good way to go. Think of the questions they might have; were you gay, did you cheat, who knew about this, how long did you do it, did you want to be and live life as a woman? Think up as many questions as they may have, and answer them lovingly. Keep in mind, some questions like, “how long did you do it” may be loaded questions and answers for your Loved Ones. It may only reinforce negative thoughts in their minds. So try to look at each question and it’s corresponding answer with fresh eyes; such as those of someone learning about this for the first time, while already emotional. If you feel you cannot make a judgment call on that question and answer, call on a trusted friend or someone in the community to proofread, and be specific of what you want to convey, and what you wish to prevent, as well as what concerns you may have.

It’s easy to say, “They Love me, they will have all of their good memories of the good times. They will think no less of me no matter what. “if that were entirely true, there would not be the ongoing debate of tell them/ do not tell them. We would not find ourselves worrying about discovery or what others may think. If we can ease our family’s grief, I believe we should. If we can put their minds at ease about what they find, and explain ourselves upon our passing, I believe we should. We owe them that, at the very least, if we feel we cannot confide in them in life.

I hope this helps someone, I sincerely hope it was not a downer. I do promise I will try to keep these heavier subjects from following one another. They should be spaced out so as not to interrupt the positive atmosphere I hope to maintain on my blog. But I do believe that if approached correctly this can be a very positive thing, and offer both you and your family peace of mind.

Ever & Always,
Caden Lane

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4 thoughts on “Coming out… For the recently deceased

  1. I see what you did there with that title…

    Good points, I’ve been meaning to think about this. My mom died young and left everything in a big mess for us to figure out. I’d hate to repeat that mistake.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I felt a brief Beetlejuice reference would make a tough subject a little lighter. I do hope it worked.

      I am sorry to hear about your mom. I’ve not lost any immediate family, but having been a Major Case Detective, I’ve seen my share of death and families caught by surprise. I also can relate to how difficult it is to communicate these issues when we are alive; however if we fail to do so now, we must plan ahead for later, or else people’s memories of us will certainly be a mixed bag of results.

      Ever & Always,
      Caden Lane

      P.S.- please do not put it off for too long. We are never promised the next minute.

      Liked by 1 person

  2. I pondered this subject on my blog recently. What to do if I expire and my wife is not able to “dispose of the evidence”. What confusion would it cause for my children, etc? One suggestion I received was that I should leave a path to my blog so that should that ever happen, they will have an opportunity to read my blog and get the insight I never had the courage to tell them in life. Maybe down the road this won’t be necessary, but as of now it is.
    -ValS

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Valid points. For the most part Cynthia only exists on the internet. I have taken care to make sure there is no real physical evidence of Cynthia except maybe some boxes of clothes that for the most part could be easily explained. I don’t have any pictures of Cynthia at all, so no one barring a few close friends would ever know the real truth.

    I do understand for the girls who are out there a bit more this could be a worse situation. Being prepared for any situation is a good idea.

    Like

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