Self Fulfilling Prophecy

 

As fate would have it, no sooner that I hit send on my blog last evening, I found myself needing sleep. I told Miss Girlfriend I was calling it a night, handled my bathroom and teeth needs for the night, changed into some lingerie and stockings for bed, and crawled under the covers. I’d had a fairly emotional day due to work yesterday, and it has been an emotional week due to finding out my mother has breast cancer. So I dressed a little out of my bedtime norms.

I had hopes that Miss Girlfriend would be feeling intimate; she knows now that just because I’m wearing lingerie it doesn’t mean I’m closed off to intimacy. In fact far from it. I often feel my most sensual and sexy while dressed. I may not look sexy to her, but I feel sexy in my own head. So anyhow, she knows that all she has to do is give me a sign she’s in the mood, and Caden hits the bricks.

Intimacy would have been most welcome last night due to my emotional and stress levels. So when she came to bed, I was still hopeful. She very soon dashed those hopes by asking if we could just cuddle. I’m certain she heard the dejection in my voice; she quickly launched into, “you don’t doubt that I Love You, right?” And “I’m not rejecting you, I’m just not in the mood.”

I was emotionally devastated on a level I still do not fully understand. I was hyper emotional about her rejection. Maybe because I was in tune with my feminine emotional aspect at the time.  I’d spent all evening underdressed and blogging as Caden. So I took the proffered alternative; cuddling. But she knew I was hurt, and even verbally acknowledged it.

But then she said something I cannot understand why she would have said it; “I wish we could cuddle one afternoon and that Caden would be away.” We’ve cuddled many an afternoon, often before I’ll be underdressed. Or if I am underdressed, she doesn’t even know. So I cannot fathom why she said that, what she hoped it would accomplish, or how it would not hurt me. I lay there for a few moments, then abruptly sat up, and stripped off what I was wearing; to the sound of her protests. She then acknowledged she knew she had hurt me with that, and she apologized. She then cuddled up to me. She attempted to make small talk for a bit, asking me about my dreams the night before. I initially told her I could not remember them, that the memories had since faded. But it wasn’t true, and I eventually told her I just wasn’t comfortable discussing them. Especially after her recent slights against Caden, and the content of the dreams.  She eventually relaxed and dozed off to sleep.

Meanwhile, her words and recent rejection of me in two ways were bouncing around in my head. And as I’m wont to do; I was way too deep inside my own head, aching, hurting. But tears never came. As badly as it hurt, tears would not come. My search for sleep was fitful at best.

Eventually, I managed to fall asleep. I had several nightmares, not PTSD nightmares, just nightmares drawing from my emotional turmoil. The nightmares were about my ex-wife and her multitude of rejections of me as well as the pre-conceived hell I’d endure if I decided to transition or live as Caden full time. In each nightmare, I still lost Miss Girlfriend. In the nightmare about my ex-wife I felt increasingly alone, and feared I would always be alone. That Caden would be the ultimate cause of my being alone, that no matter how happy being her makes me, that ultimately she will cost me a chance at ever being Loved and fulfilled in every aspect of my life.

I knew I should have got up after she dozed off and redressed. That would have been the proper way to assert myself I would think. But I did not. I just did not have the emotional energy to do it; I was drained.

When she saw me off to work this morning, she asked me how I slept. I told her not well, that I had some nightmares, that I felt I should have gotten back up and dressed again. She apologized. I mistakenly told her it wasn’t her fault. Even now, hours after I left for work, I’m still in a funk and depressed.

All I can think about is that dual rejection and what it heralded for the future I fear is around the corner for me. And the emotions from those nightmares are still palpable to me. And that only seems to magnify my sadness all the more.

Ever & Always,

Caden Lane

Daydreaming about girl Things

Of late I have been severely dissatisfied with my job. I’m presently back in school working to change my career path and hopefully find something which will allow me to be far more happier, or at least content; however it is slow going.

The stress from being dissatisfied with my job has put me in a situation where I’m becoming more and more dependent on my coping mechanism, that being Caden for any uninitiated new readers. Just today, I’m back on the job after my two day break. Even last night, I was already feeling the stress and angst building as I began to anticipate my return to work. It is to the point that I feel compelled to underdress almost every day of the week.

So upon arriving at work this morning, I immediately noticed I was increasingly preoccupied with all things girlie/ womanly/ Caden. I spoke with Miss Girlfriend about some contouring techniques I was wanting to try on her later and shared a YouTube video detailing them. I was preoccupied with my very vivid dreams from last night. Some of which involved living as Caden most of the time.

I am still very fearful of what that line of thinking may lead to; that being the loss of my children and Miss Girlfriend. My children are older, and in some respects, I have accepted that my children will be off on their own at school and I will be an afterthought in most instances.

I’ve been the primary parent for a number of years, but I often worry my second ex-wife turned them against me. I also worry she also told my children what little of she knew of my second life as Caden. There is a coldness from my children towards me  I which tends my soul, and no matter what I do, I cannot seem to bridge the divide. So it is these fears which feed the idea that I will be an afterthought once they step from my doorway that last time to leave for school.  All that to say; in some ways, I’ve sort of accepted this emotional predicament that I feel surrounded by.

So that leaves loosing Miss Girlfriend. She is very specific about what she presently understands, can accept, and what she will not accept. I worry that with these thoughts and dreams I’ve been having that I would run the risk of loosing her if I vocalize them or wish to pursue them. While it may seem very appealing to live my life the way I want to, the cost simply seems and is too great. She has said we would talk about it if I ever felt compelled to transition or live full time as Caden. But talking about it presumably won’t solve the issue, and given her positions; I doubt it would end in my favor. A woman who will not allow my femme alter ego into the bedroom would not wish to live life or explain her involvement with a woman or trans-woman to family and colleagues. She certainly would not wish to have a sexual life with Caden. I am not so sure she would wish to have a life with me as Caden. I do know that a life without her would not be much of a life. As my life with her so far fulfills me more than many of my past relationships. But my life with her cannot fulfill my feminine aspect. Which brings me to the crux of my dilemma.

Ever & Always,

Caden Lane

A Night out and Dreams

Well, I was able to take an evening out with Rachel and Miss Girlfriend last evening. We went to the beach for dinner at a little local place called Fanny’s. Dinner was lovely, the drinks were great, and the company was better. I got a compliment on my top and later on my dress from some random women. Not entirely sure if I was blending the way I’d like. But no drama overall.  I discovered this morning I had a leak in my right prosthetic that I must repair.

Once in bed for the evening, I began my dreams for the evening. In the first one, I was Making Love to Miss Girlfriend as Caden. This flies in the face in her desires. She prefers to keep Caden out of the bedroom. But I found last night I was intensely desirous of her; wishing I could run my fingernails across her body, leave my lipstick on her skin. This may in fact explain the dream I had of her.

However the second dream was about me living as Caden. Which seems to be a theme of late; and it seems to keep me preoccupied. I suppose it is now something I must discuss with my Psychologist.

Ever & Always,

Caden Lane

Too far inside my own Head

Sometimes, we just get too far into our own head. That can mean several different things; It can mean we get too involved in the thought processes that lead to our decision making, we second-guess ourselves, we over-think the simple things, or we just don’t like what we see when we get in there. Here lately, I’ve been guilty of all of those to one degree or another. That has led to me not being as active here on my blog, or even as active with my dressing as I’d like to be.

When it comes to getting too involved in the decision making processes, I’ve found too many excuses not to dress or practice my makeup when I very well could have or should have done those things. Even to my own mental health’s detriment. I stepped away from dressing as Caden for about a month and a half if not two months, and suddenly I found myself in the grips of my PTSD, in a way I had not been since before my diagnosis. As it turns out, Caden is probably my biggest saving grace when it comes to my PTSD. She is my healthiest outlet, and at the same time, my greatest coping mechanism.

As for second guessing myself; I haven’t felt attractive as either a male or as Caden of late. Not sure why, it just feels that way. This isn’t me shopping/fishing for compliments, it’s just me venting my pains and frustrations. I’m not sure what else I can do to feel handsome or pretty as the case may present itself, or as I may present myself. I’ve considered updating my mal wardrobe. But alas, I actually hate to invest money in it too much. I’m content with a minimalist approach to that wardrobe, and indulge my Caden wardrobe. When I want to indulge Caden’s wardrobe. But for the first time in my life, I’m sort of starting to second guess myself as Caden in a way. If you will recall, on the cruise there was that supposed gentleman I thought might have been taking my photo at dinner, and then most recently, while on an outing with Miss Girlfriend, I was posing for some full length shots near a historic house here in Savannah. A tour bus approached, and as they did so, I could hear the hostess make mention of the house I was standing in front of. She then went to point out something near me, and made said,

    “…over by that woman,” a few chuckles “Yes, that’s a real woman.”

Yeah, that made me feel loads better about myself. Nobody wants to know, think, or suspect their femininity is in question. I know I certainly don’t enjoy it. But I suddenly felt like I stood out like a sore thumb.

    I guess you could say the over-thinking of things can fall into the same category of things as letting us cloud our decision making processes. But I have found that I over think the simple things to the point it takes enjoyment out of dressing. Like when I can’t get my eyes just quite right. Which of course stems from not practicing thing like I ought to. But fighting with my eye makeup creates so much frustration in me that I lose focus of why I’m dressing, and the fun, thrill, and enjoyment go right out the window for me. I might recapture what I need as the day or evening progresses, but it is an iffy proposition. Or over thinking an outfit for an outing. I have so many beautiful things I want to wear, and I dress so little that I feel like I will never get to wear it all. And there are certain things that I do not wear because I feel as though I’m cheating myself by wearing them. For instance, I bought some work out wear so I could dress comfortably around Rachel, since she tends to wear that sort of thing all the time. But it’s not femme enough to me, I feel as though I’m forsaking my femme self too much by wearing it, and that there are so many more elegant or feminine things I can wear to feel pretty.

    Then there are the things I just don’t like to see when I get inside my own head. After that bad experience with that other crossdresser, I’ve found that I’ve little if much desire to socialize with other crossdressers. I know it’s not fair to lump other CD’s in with that one. But it’s not so much the other crossdressers that bother me. It’s that I worry about being outed when amongst other dressers; or for the fact that I’m with other dressers. I think the thing that bothered me the most that night out with that other CD; was that she was very open to everyone about being CD. However when I dress, I dress to blend in, to fit in. That option was taken from me by her that night, either through her action and behaviors or outright choice. I think I fear the same happening again. Not that there are many classy crossdressers around these parts. That was the entire reason my Sorority failed to get a strong foothold to begin with. But even if I were to travel to meet other CD’s, what happens if I get outed against my will again? Or what about the rule of two? If you have two crossdressers in any given group, the likelihood of passing a a woman goes right out the window, because it’s like that second CD suddenly erases all doubt about your genetic gender.

    So you see, I’ve simply waded too deep into my own head. And now I’ve brought you in with me. I do apologize ever so fervently.

Ever & Always,

Caden Lane