Too far inside my own Head

Sometimes, we just get too far into our own head. That can mean several different things; It can mean we get too involved in the thought processes that lead to our decision making, we second-guess ourselves, we over-think the simple things, or we just don’t like what we see when we get in there. Here lately, I’ve been guilty of all of those to one degree or another. That has led to me not being as active here on my blog, or even as active with my dressing as I’d like to be.

When it comes to getting too involved in the decision making processes, I’ve found too many excuses not to dress or practice my makeup when I very well could have or should have done those things. Even to my own mental health’s detriment. I stepped away from dressing as Caden for about a month and a half if not two months, and suddenly I found myself in the grips of my PTSD, in a way I had not been since before my diagnosis. As it turns out, Caden is probably my biggest saving grace when it comes to my PTSD. She is my healthiest outlet, and at the same time, my greatest coping mechanism.

As for second guessing myself; I haven’t felt attractive as either a male or as Caden of late. Not sure why, it just feels that way. This isn’t me shopping/fishing for compliments, it’s just me venting my pains and frustrations. I’m not sure what else I can do to feel handsome or pretty as the case may present itself, or as I may present myself. I’ve considered updating my mal wardrobe. But alas, I actually hate to invest money in it too much. I’m content with a minimalist approach to that wardrobe, and indulge my Caden wardrobe. When I want to indulge Caden’s wardrobe. But for the first time in my life, I’m sort of starting to second guess myself as Caden in a way. If you will recall, on the cruise there was that supposed gentleman I thought might have been taking my photo at dinner, and then most recently, while on an outing with Miss Girlfriend, I was posing for some full length shots near a historic house here in Savannah. A tour bus approached, and as they did so, I could hear the hostess make mention of the house I was standing in front of. She then went to point out something near me, and made said,

    “…over by that woman,” a few chuckles “Yes, that’s a real woman.”

Yeah, that made me feel loads better about myself. Nobody wants to know, think, or suspect their femininity is in question. I know I certainly don’t enjoy it. But I suddenly felt like I stood out like a sore thumb.

    I guess you could say the over-thinking of things can fall into the same category of things as letting us cloud our decision making processes. But I have found that I over think the simple things to the point it takes enjoyment out of dressing. Like when I can’t get my eyes just quite right. Which of course stems from not practicing thing like I ought to. But fighting with my eye makeup creates so much frustration in me that I lose focus of why I’m dressing, and the fun, thrill, and enjoyment go right out the window for me. I might recapture what I need as the day or evening progresses, but it is an iffy proposition. Or over thinking an outfit for an outing. I have so many beautiful things I want to wear, and I dress so little that I feel like I will never get to wear it all. And there are certain things that I do not wear because I feel as though I’m cheating myself by wearing them. For instance, I bought some work out wear so I could dress comfortably around Rachel, since she tends to wear that sort of thing all the time. But it’s not femme enough to me, I feel as though I’m forsaking my femme self too much by wearing it, and that there are so many more elegant or feminine things I can wear to feel pretty.

    Then there are the things I just don’t like to see when I get inside my own head. After that bad experience with that other crossdresser, I’ve found that I’ve little if much desire to socialize with other crossdressers. I know it’s not fair to lump other CD’s in with that one. But it’s not so much the other crossdressers that bother me. It’s that I worry about being outed when amongst other dressers; or for the fact that I’m with other dressers. I think the thing that bothered me the most that night out with that other CD; was that she was very open to everyone about being CD. However when I dress, I dress to blend in, to fit in. That option was taken from me by her that night, either through her action and behaviors or outright choice. I think I fear the same happening again. Not that there are many classy crossdressers around these parts. That was the entire reason my Sorority failed to get a strong foothold to begin with. But even if I were to travel to meet other CD’s, what happens if I get outed against my will again? Or what about the rule of two? If you have two crossdressers in any given group, the likelihood of passing a a woman goes right out the window, because it’s like that second CD suddenly erases all doubt about your genetic gender.

    So you see, I’ve simply waded too deep into my own head. And now I’ve brought you in with me. I do apologize ever so fervently.

Ever & Always,

Caden Lane

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5 thoughts on “Too far inside my own Head

  1. Oh, Miss Caden. I am so sorry to hear of the difficulties you are going through. I have followed your blog closely, and I have been wondering to where you wandered off. It is good to hear from you, even if the tone is a little somber.

    I understand the idea of being in your own head too much. I have often over thought the decisions, actions, and feelings of my journey to the point of inaction at times, which has been to my detriment–and my wife’s. It was nearly a year ago that I told my wife that I was questioning my gender, and today, I feel like I should be further along in my decision-making than I am. I try to overanalyze and rationalize each step I take, and it leads to more confusion and inactivity. While I feel comfortable almost every time I present my femme self, I still haven’t told myself that I am ready to go full-time because I fear the consequences in which that decision results. I think about all of the what-ifs, and it stifles my progress. Only recently have I really begun to push myself towards a decision, and I’m ever fearful where that will lead me. But I’m trying to get out of my head and just feel. Just live. Just find my authentic self in whatever form that comes in.

    While I know you have said that you are no more than CD and not considering transition (like I do), I have always felt we had a lot in common in our experiences. I do envy that you have Miss Girlfriend’s support. My wife is devastated by my choices, even though she continues to stay with me for now. My wife does keep me in check though, and has pushed me to keep focusing on myself, so I must give her that credit, even when that pushing comes in the form of an extended, tearful fight. For me, I am on my transition path because I need to he happy with my life and myself. When I indulge in my femme self, I feel naturally better. Not that I hate my male self (that’s where my head screws me up), but I feel at ease with my feminine side.

    Maybe something similar is true for you. Caden is such an integral part of who you are. This time away from her has reignited your PTSD. You seem less happy. Unless there is some other factor at play that you have not shared that is dropping you back in this depression, the solution seems apparent. More Caden may lead to a bounce back. Less overthinking and dwelling on the past and more moving ahead and feeling the present and dreaming for the future. You may find Caden really is your saving grace if you let her out more and receive more of those positive comments you always seem to receive when she is out in the world.

    I wish you well, and I will continue to follow you, hoping for the best. hugs

    Liked by 1 person

    • Sometimes, it is more Caden that I am fearful of. I fear that Caden will become so much of a crutch and coping mechanism, that eventually, I will not be able to cope as anything other than Caden. There are times even now where some aspect must be present at all times for me to be comfortable. Even now as I am on a vacation with my children and Miss Girlfriend, I find myself longing for some privacy to just enjoy some aspect of Caden. Which may be partially why I find myself here answering a blog post.

      It is not that I am stealing time away from them right now; a thunderstorm has us rained in at our mountain retreat we are staying at. We are all sort of vegging out after a very active day. But thoughts of the various aspects of Caden kept me from focusing on any other writing save for this. I could not focus enough on my science fiction/ police fiction/ or adventure writings enough to write down four words. Yet here I am enjoying an aspect of Caden, and I am as verbose as ever.

      It is that very thing that worries me. When is Caden healthy, when is Caden a distraction? When has Caden taken over my life? I have often fretted that perhaps I am more than a crossdresser; that there may be more to who I am than that. What if I have always been a well adjusted transgender? What i those childhood longings for a female form/ breasts were more than idle wishes? What if my desire now to dress as and socialize with women not crossdressers is a manifestation of my true desires? I suppose only time will tell; however in the meantime, it would seem to at least me to be a legitimate concern, and a cause for pause.

      Liked by 1 person

      • A few questions based on your reply:

        What aspects of Caden must always be present in order for you to feel comfortable? Is it simply the clothes? The social interaction? Something else?
        And, ultimately,is Caden a crutch/coping mechanism, or is she really just who you are or want to be at your core?

        Indeed, as you say, time will tell, and it is extremely easy to get caught deep inside your head. Maybe you are more than a crossdresser; maybe not. Only you know your true feelings and why you express yourself when and how you do. I happy to see that you are giving pause to consider these thoughts and to come up with answers over time.

        For me, I believe I have been a very well-adjusted transgender, It has taken me a very long time to reach where I am now, and even then, I have concerns. But answer the tough questions, I must, for I will be unhappy in my life I do not seek and find the solutions. The last year has been extremely turbulent, but I know that my self discovery is essential to my health and happiness.

        I wish you well seeking your answers in whatever time they may come, and I am always happy to lend an ear, Miss Caden.

        Like

      • Well, ultimately, Caden is ever present in my thought processes. In my emotions, in my decisions. I look at a woman, I see her for her attractiveness, but I also wonder where she got her outfit, if I’m small enough to fit it, how I would look in it.

        Also ever present is some wardrobe article of Caden’s; usually lingerie. Very rarely anymore so I wear men’s underwear, and if I do they are usually a designer microfiber style.

        I do suspect I am more than a crossdresser. There are aspects of who I am that are deeply rooted in Caden. I do believe that my writing voice is and always has been Caden. So for my writing voice to be an expression of Caden, I can only surmise that Caden is far more rooted in me than I’d care to admit.

        There were times in my much younger life where I wanted to be a girl. There have been times in my adult life where that would have seemed favorable to me. But there has never been this… What I would think would be a driving force to be and live as a woman; hence my well adjusted comment. If I am transsexual, I would have to be very well adjusted to not feel compelled and driven to live life as a woman. I would have to be well adjusted in order to see the barriers that keep me from living life as a woman and saying; I don’t have to mount those barriers and cross them, I can be content this way.

        Of course I may just be lying to myself by telling myself I don’t need to breech those barriers, that I don’t need to live as a woman. I may be in denial. I tend to think Caden is a representation of who I wish I could be day to day. Caden tends to be the more positive aspect of who I am. It’s like that movie “Twins.” Caden is like Schwartzenegger in that movie, all the best parts of who I am, while my male half is like Danny DeVito’s character, all the worst parts. Who wouldn’t opt for the more positive aspect if given the choice?

        Ever,
        Caden

        Liked by 1 person

  2. Caden
    My brother used to quip to me “Don’t think…you are not equipped for that”. I sometimes sense that too much thought delays and defers action and serves as its own worst enemy. Learn to trust your guts. From what I know of your past history you were in positions where the time frame mandated that you trusted your gut. The fact that you are here today talking about things should prove that going with your gut was the right decision.
    If you want a good look about what can happen when you get “Too far inside your own head” I would suggest that you go out to see “Love & Mercy” the new movie about Brian Wilson of the Beach Boys. It is a totally engaging film on many levels.
    Pat

    Liked by 1 person

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