Of late I have been severely dissatisfied with my job. I’m presently back in school working to change my career path and hopefully find something which will allow me to be far more happier, or at least content; however it is slow going.
The stress from being dissatisfied with my job has put me in a situation where I’m becoming more and more dependent on my coping mechanism, that being Caden for any uninitiated new readers. Just today, I’m back on the job after my two day break. Even last night, I was already feeling the stress and angst building as I began to anticipate my return to work. It is to the point that I feel compelled to underdress almost every day of the week.
So upon arriving at work this morning, I immediately noticed I was increasingly preoccupied with all things girlie/ womanly/ Caden. I spoke with Miss Girlfriend about some contouring techniques I was wanting to try on her later and shared a YouTube video detailing them. I was preoccupied with my very vivid dreams from last night. Some of which involved living as Caden most of the time.
I am still very fearful of what that line of thinking may lead to; that being the loss of my children and Miss Girlfriend. My children are older, and in some respects, I have accepted that my children will be off on their own at school and I will be an afterthought in most instances.
I’ve been the primary parent for a number of years, but I often worry my second ex-wife turned them against me. I also worry she also told my children what little of she knew of my second life as Caden. There is a coldness from my children towards me I which tends my soul, and no matter what I do, I cannot seem to bridge the divide. So it is these fears which feed the idea that I will be an afterthought once they step from my doorway that last time to leave for school. All that to say; in some ways, I’ve sort of accepted this emotional predicament that I feel surrounded by.
So that leaves loosing Miss Girlfriend. She is very specific about what she presently understands, can accept, and what she will not accept. I worry that with these thoughts and dreams I’ve been having that I would run the risk of loosing her if I vocalize them or wish to pursue them. While it may seem very appealing to live my life the way I want to, the cost simply seems and is too great. She has said we would talk about it if I ever felt compelled to transition or live full time as Caden. But talking about it presumably won’t solve the issue, and given her positions; I doubt it would end in my favor. A woman who will not allow my femme alter ego into the bedroom would not wish to live life or explain her involvement with a woman or trans-woman to family and colleagues. She certainly would not wish to have a sexual life with Caden. I am not so sure she would wish to have a life with me as Caden. I do know that a life without her would not be much of a life. As my life with her so far fulfills me more than many of my past relationships. But my life with her cannot fulfill my feminine aspect. Which brings me to the crux of my dilemma.
Ever & Always,