As fate would have it, no sooner that I hit send on my blog last evening, I found myself needing sleep. I told Miss Girlfriend I was calling it a night, handled my bathroom and teeth needs for the night, changed into some lingerie and stockings for bed, and crawled under the covers. I’d had a fairly emotional day due to work yesterday, and it has been an emotional week due to finding out my mother has breast cancer. So I dressed a little out of my bedtime norms.
I had hopes that Miss Girlfriend would be feeling intimate; she knows now that just because I’m wearing lingerie it doesn’t mean I’m closed off to intimacy. In fact far from it. I often feel my most sensual and sexy while dressed. I may not look sexy to her, but I feel sexy in my own head. So anyhow, she knows that all she has to do is give me a sign she’s in the mood, and Caden hits the bricks.
Intimacy would have been most welcome last night due to my emotional and stress levels. So when she came to bed, I was still hopeful. She very soon dashed those hopes by asking if we could just cuddle. I’m certain she heard the dejection in my voice; she quickly launched into, “you don’t doubt that I Love You, right?” And “I’m not rejecting you, I’m just not in the mood.”
I was emotionally devastated on a level I still do not fully understand. I was hyper emotional about her rejection. Maybe because I was in tune with my feminine emotional aspect at the time. I’d spent all evening underdressed and blogging as Caden. So I took the proffered alternative; cuddling. But she knew I was hurt, and even verbally acknowledged it.
But then she said something I cannot understand why she would have said it; “I wish we could cuddle one afternoon and that Caden would be away.” We’ve cuddled many an afternoon, often before I’ll be underdressed. Or if I am underdressed, she doesn’t even know. So I cannot fathom why she said that, what she hoped it would accomplish, or how it would not hurt me. I lay there for a few moments, then abruptly sat up, and stripped off what I was wearing; to the sound of her protests. She then acknowledged she knew she had hurt me with that, and she apologized. She then cuddled up to me. She attempted to make small talk for a bit, asking me about my dreams the night before. I initially told her I could not remember them, that the memories had since faded. But it wasn’t true, and I eventually told her I just wasn’t comfortable discussing them. Especially after her recent slights against Caden, and the content of the dreams. She eventually relaxed and dozed off to sleep.
Meanwhile, her words and recent rejection of me in two ways were bouncing around in my head. And as I’m wont to do; I was way too deep inside my own head, aching, hurting. But tears never came. As badly as it hurt, tears would not come. My search for sleep was fitful at best.
Eventually, I managed to fall asleep. I had several nightmares, not PTSD nightmares, just nightmares drawing from my emotional turmoil. The nightmares were about my ex-wife and her multitude of rejections of me as well as the pre-conceived hell I’d endure if I decided to transition or live as Caden full time. In each nightmare, I still lost Miss Girlfriend. In the nightmare about my ex-wife I felt increasingly alone, and feared I would always be alone. That Caden would be the ultimate cause of my being alone, that no matter how happy being her makes me, that ultimately she will cost me a chance at ever being Loved and fulfilled in every aspect of my life.
I knew I should have got up after she dozed off and redressed. That would have been the proper way to assert myself I would think. But I did not. I just did not have the emotional energy to do it; I was drained.
When she saw me off to work this morning, she asked me how I slept. I told her not well, that I had some nightmares, that I felt I should have gotten back up and dressed again. She apologized. I mistakenly told her it wasn’t her fault. Even now, hours after I left for work, I’m still in a funk and depressed.
All I can think about is that dual rejection and what it heralded for the future I fear is around the corner for me. And the emotions from those nightmares are still palpable to me. And that only seems to magnify my sadness all the more.
Ever & Always,