Self Fulfilling Prophecy

 

As fate would have it, no sooner that I hit send on my blog last evening, I found myself needing sleep. I told Miss Girlfriend I was calling it a night, handled my bathroom and teeth needs for the night, changed into some lingerie and stockings for bed, and crawled under the covers. I’d had a fairly emotional day due to work yesterday, and it has been an emotional week due to finding out my mother has breast cancer. So I dressed a little out of my bedtime norms.

I had hopes that Miss Girlfriend would be feeling intimate; she knows now that just because I’m wearing lingerie it doesn’t mean I’m closed off to intimacy. In fact far from it. I often feel my most sensual and sexy while dressed. I may not look sexy to her, but I feel sexy in my own head. So anyhow, she knows that all she has to do is give me a sign she’s in the mood, and Caden hits the bricks.

Intimacy would have been most welcome last night due to my emotional and stress levels. So when she came to bed, I was still hopeful. She very soon dashed those hopes by asking if we could just cuddle. I’m certain she heard the dejection in my voice; she quickly launched into, “you don’t doubt that I Love You, right?” And “I’m not rejecting you, I’m just not in the mood.”

I was emotionally devastated on a level I still do not fully understand. I was hyper emotional about her rejection. Maybe because I was in tune with my feminine emotional aspect at the time.  I’d spent all evening underdressed and blogging as Caden. So I took the proffered alternative; cuddling. But she knew I was hurt, and even verbally acknowledged it.

But then she said something I cannot understand why she would have said it; “I wish we could cuddle one afternoon and that Caden would be away.” We’ve cuddled many an afternoon, often before I’ll be underdressed. Or if I am underdressed, she doesn’t even know. So I cannot fathom why she said that, what she hoped it would accomplish, or how it would not hurt me. I lay there for a few moments, then abruptly sat up, and stripped off what I was wearing; to the sound of her protests. She then acknowledged she knew she had hurt me with that, and she apologized. She then cuddled up to me. She attempted to make small talk for a bit, asking me about my dreams the night before. I initially told her I could not remember them, that the memories had since faded. But it wasn’t true, and I eventually told her I just wasn’t comfortable discussing them. Especially after her recent slights against Caden, and the content of the dreams.  She eventually relaxed and dozed off to sleep.

Meanwhile, her words and recent rejection of me in two ways were bouncing around in my head. And as I’m wont to do; I was way too deep inside my own head, aching, hurting. But tears never came. As badly as it hurt, tears would not come. My search for sleep was fitful at best.

Eventually, I managed to fall asleep. I had several nightmares, not PTSD nightmares, just nightmares drawing from my emotional turmoil. The nightmares were about my ex-wife and her multitude of rejections of me as well as the pre-conceived hell I’d endure if I decided to transition or live as Caden full time. In each nightmare, I still lost Miss Girlfriend. In the nightmare about my ex-wife I felt increasingly alone, and feared I would always be alone. That Caden would be the ultimate cause of my being alone, that no matter how happy being her makes me, that ultimately she will cost me a chance at ever being Loved and fulfilled in every aspect of my life.

I knew I should have got up after she dozed off and redressed. That would have been the proper way to assert myself I would think. But I did not. I just did not have the emotional energy to do it; I was drained.

When she saw me off to work this morning, she asked me how I slept. I told her not well, that I had some nightmares, that I felt I should have gotten back up and dressed again. She apologized. I mistakenly told her it wasn’t her fault. Even now, hours after I left for work, I’m still in a funk and depressed.

All I can think about is that dual rejection and what it heralded for the future I fear is around the corner for me. And the emotions from those nightmares are still palpable to me. And that only seems to magnify my sadness all the more.

Ever & Always,

Caden Lane

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12 thoughts on “Self Fulfilling Prophecy

  1. I always know when Paul is in the mood, the tights and heels go on! He’s feeling sexy!

    Miss Girlfriend.. Hmm. I suppose the rejection you’re feeling is something that she’s also feeling from you. An afternoon cuddling without Caden isn’t rejecting Caden, it’s just wanting some one on one time with you. Is it her turn to be the sexy one?

    Remember that you both have needs to be met and you both must allow for that.

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    • Well, I give her equal or better time with my male alter ego. So its not a matter of rejection I wouldn’t think. Caden or my my femme clothing/ lingerie takes up a small portion of my time with her. In fact I do everything thing I can to create very distinct lines between Caden and my drab life. Save for my under-dressing, which I do to keep my PTSD at bay. But she is aware of that for the most part, and doesn’t seem to mind it, even when we are getting romantic. Although I defer to change out before we get too intimate. So I’d like to think I do all I can to meet her needs, even if I compromise my own.

      Ever,
      Caden

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      • Well then I’m not sure what else you can do. You have needs too, and they’re very much needs. It’d be nice if they could be shared. I know how important it is. I’m sorry if I appeared to undermine your efforts, it definitely was not my intention.
        I hope you can work it out. xx

        Liked by 1 person

  2. You did not undermine or diminish my efforts with your response hon, that is simply how we crowd source a problem. I simply had more info to add to the mix which was relevant. I tend to think her biggest barrier in understanding me is; she put distinct dividing lines between my male facet and my Caden facet. This is evidenced by the fact that when we speak of Caden, it is in the third person. It makes it wholly difficult to see me as the same person she Loves if she is trying to segregate my physical appearance from that affection and Love. She has verbalized that she isn’t a lesbian, which is why physical affection is so difficult when I’m dressed. She also places so much emphasis on how I look, and diminished her feelings for me due to how I look, that I essentially get shut out in the cold. She cannot make the connection that I am the same person she fell in Love with, simply for the fact that I look different at that moment. Yet as soon as the clothes and makeup come off, that barrier is crossed and it is as though Caden was never there. No lingering doubts or questions. So I hope that means it is more of a physical barrier than a psychological one.

    Another barrier that stands in the way of our growth is that she still has misgivings about me as Caden. They could be anything, since she is unable to verbalized them to me. I hope she is at least able to say them to her psychologist. I surmise they may be the usual concerns a Loved One may have; that I may be gay/ or bi, that I will seek transition, or that I will become a pink fog tornado and start telling family and friends without regard to her feelings. I do know she worts family will find out and it will bring her shame.

    It wounds me that any of those four issues would bother her. Because in order for those issues to exist, it is almost like she would have to mentally exclude all of the important things which make me who I am, things like my personality and character. It is only my outer appearance which is fluid, not the person I am. I am still that same understanding person who sat waiting patiently at that table in Longhorns for that first date when she phoned to say she was going to be very late. She was worth the wait then; she is worth the wait now. I suppose that is all I can do; allow her to catch up to where I am.

    Ever,
    Caden Lane

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I am so, so sorry to hear of your struggles this week. As you may remember, I know well of these types of issues, as my wife does not support my transition (and I’ve nearly made that decision). The ideas you speak of resonate soundly with me. My wife is not attracted to me. The thought of being a lesbian or with me as a woman repulses her. But at the same time, my feminine side needs to be explored. I cannot keep it inside any longer. I just passed the one year mark on my questioning journey, and the path is looking more clear by the day. The problem, and my continued struggle is that my life and family will change as I know it if I decide to go full-time, and thy are the most important parts of my life. Will I finally be the authentic and happier me only to sacrifice the little happiness I currently have? It is an impossible choice, and I fully empathize with how you are feeling.

    I feel a little guilty, too, as I fear my comments last week may have helped put these feelings in the forefront of your mind this week. I feel like I pushed you slightly. I could also be vastly overthinking my influence, but nonetheless, my apologies if I somehow pushed you in a direction you may not have been ready for.

    You have my full support in whatever direction life takes you. And, of course, plenty of hugs. Keep us up to date. I’ll be thinking of you.

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    • Please rest assured Dreamer, your thoughts and words have not pushed me. I am not one to be pushed to anything that stands sideways or opposite of what I want, wish, need or think. I think I am simply in an exploratory mindset right now; my mind is open to options in a way it never really has before. The problem is, I do not like some of th things I see before me. They unnerve me, and leave me feeling uncomfortable.

      Ever,
      Caden

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  4. I hear you, sister. I am nervous about what my future holds. I am uncomfortable at the pain I cause and will cause in the future. But I am facing those fears in the best way I know how. I will make many mistakes on this journey (I already have), but I take it one day at a time.

    I am happy to share my experiences with you and lend a shoulder to cry on if you ever require one.

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    • I do appreciate that. I may very well take you up on that offer at some point. For now though I think I will lean heavily on my psychologist to make sure I am thinking and feeling in the right direction. If she concurs, then I should then start strategizing with her how I will ease Miss Girlfriend into it. But I have my doubts that it will be that sort of diagnosis. I firmly believe I am transgender with a leaning towards my feminine aspect, and a preference to be and live as a female, however when it comes to certain aspects of my anatomy, I am content to keep them. Which is why I believe I could never be diagnosed as TS, which is partially where my statement about being well adjusted comes from.

      Liked by 1 person

      • I am here if you need me. Your psychologist is a great place to start and work through those issues and questions.
        Non-op is always an option. There is no reason you can’t live as a woman and not change all or some of your anatomy. You will figure out what form the authentic you comes in. Don’t worry so much about the labels (CD, TG, TS…). Just figure out what is right for you. That’s all that matters in the end. Hopefully, Miss Girlfriend can whether the storm and hold on to the love you share for one another.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I never knew non-op WAS an option… I always thought it was sort of an all or nothing proposition. Seems like it’s kind of difficult to convince a psychologist you suffer from gender dysphoria if you wish to retain a part of anatomy most TS get dysphoric about.

        I’m at a weird point in my life again where I’m not sure who the authentic me truly is. I figured the going out occasionally and dressing on the sly at home would suffice; however between my PTSD, using my femme side as a coping mechanism for the PTSD and my stress, I’m feeling very dependent on my femme side, and I certainly do not get to express it as often as I need to. Which is why I keep doubting dysphoria. But I am hardly a gender specialist. I just have gender issues.

        Liked by 1 person

  5. I can understand the rejection issue. It’s tough to sort through those feelings. Thankfully my wife is so understanding. But as always, she to needs the guy she met. I think it’s just as tough on our SO add it is us. I am not up to date on all your history. But I know we all are here to support each other and SO as well.

    Liked by 1 person

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