Din and Clamor of the Background

Well, last Tuesday I spoke with my Psychologist. The first half of the session we discussed some work and family issues I’ve been dealing with. The second half of the session, I revealed to her the dreams I’ve had recently concerning living as Caden or undergoing various stages of transition. 

She asked me some diagnostic questions, I suppose to get a feel on where my head is at. I would obviously choose to spend more time as Caden or live as Caden, if all things were equal or there were no consequences or loss. Unfortunately, that is not the world we live in. 

I am not sitting here looking forward to the day where I transition. I am actually fearful of transition or the need to. Essentially due to the fear of loss, which is a consequence of rejection. I have never handled rejection well. But the idea of losing my family, even if they hurt me or piss me off regularly scares me. Knowing I would lose Miss Girlfriend both hurts and scares me. 

So after several days of mulling it over, I finally found a way to segue into the conversation where I told her I had spoke to my psychologist about the dreams, as well as the content of the dreams. I had previously told Miss GF that I’d had dreams about living as Caden. But I suppose the context is different now that I’ve mentioned it to my psychologist, somehow she sees it through a different filter and it is now more real. 

Anyhow, I won’t really be discussing the content of our conversation until I run it past my psychologist. I also would hate to paint her in an unfair light. She has been far too understanding, accepting and accommodating thus far, I hate to malign her unfairly and without fully looking at all sides. Admittedly, I mainly see my perspective, and only a small portion of hers. 
Hence my reason for talking to my Doctor about the conversation she and I had. I feel like I should state her again; my intent/desire/need is not to transition, at this time. I will not rule it out, nor will I say it won’t happen. I just do not know. I am simply looking at where I am at, versus where I’ve been, and where my needs have been going, due to who I am and my PTSD. 

However the conversation she and I had made me feel like I’ve an obligation to figure out who I am or who I will be by some unknown future date, before we get intertwined too much more. So hopefully you can see my concern and confusion and why I feel like I need clarification. I have painted myself into corners before via relationship choices, and in this instance I do not wish to put myself or her in a corner. More to follow on this topic next month. 

On a lighter note, my visit to my psychologist next month after our vacation will be as Caden. My Doctor seems genuinely excited about the prospect; having even texted me to arrange a later date, but a much better time. 

I also believe I move have found an LGBT support group here locally, which I may start attending. I just wish it was strictly CD/TG/TS, however the fact there is anything gives me hope. Especially in light of recent issues which have popped up. So any outlet is a good outlet. 

Ever & Always,

Caden Lane

Groundwork

Short post for today. Tuesday I had my appointment with my psychologist. After covering some other things on my mind, I finally told her about my recent dreams and where my thinking and feelings were. I think she was caught off guard how much thought I had put into things when she asked me who I thought I would lose if I came out. She believed now in my life would not be the time to come out. I agree. Will there ever be a time? I don’t know. But she agreed that Miss Girlfriend does not want to think of herself as a lesbian by being involved with me when I am presenting as a woman. Which would present a problem in the longterm…if there were a longterm. Unless she has a significant paradigm shift in the meantime. But groundwork was laid today. So that is a start.

 

Ever,

Caden

What’s in a Name?

This past weekend I pondered something out loud to Miss Girlfriend which I had been thinking about silently for months. I cannot seem to come up with an answer, which is why I voiced it to her, and now you. 

I’ve seriously been thinking of changing my name. Not my male name; my moniker of Caden Lane. When I first came up with the combination, (Lane is obviously not my  family name) I thought it sounded modern and feminine. I felt it was different enough that I would not become blended in and entangled with myriad of Brittney’s, Rachel’s and Tiffany’s that seem to flood our unique world. 

I cite as an example my earliest femme presence online, Tiffani Renee’. Yeah, I fell into the CD Tiffani pit. And after managing to claw my way out and carve out a unique ID for myself, I grew to dislike the Caden name. 

Because little did I realize, but there are a lot of parents who think Caden is a pretty strong name for a little boy. Before I knew it I was metaphorically surrounded by boys and teens named Caden. Or Cade. Or Kade. Or even Kaden. 

I mean come on! What did I have to do, plant a flag in the name, copyright it?!? And what made them think it was such a strong male name?!? The few times I recall seeing it, it had always been a female name. 

So here I am debating on changing it. In a few cases it may be difficult, given the nature of some online accounts, but in others it would be easier.  

I suppose the unasked should be asked as well; if I do change it, what should I change it to?

Any input will be greatly appreciated, even if it is advice to keep my name as is. Maybe all it takes is a little reassurance that it’s more femme than male is all it takes. None of our community has ever questioned is “female-ness,” so it’s more an internal thing. Anyhow, thanks for any and all input. 
Ever & Always,

Caden Lane?

Conversations about Transgender rights…

It seems no matter where we go these days, we hear conversations about gender, transgender rights, and all things in-between. Most of the conversations I’ve heard have been in hushed voices, cracking less than favorable jokes, or making snide remarks. It is  pity that people that feel that way cannot be brash and open about their opinions, so that everyone will know what sort of hypocrites or bigots they are. Those who are vocal about their opinions are usually too ignorant to realize they are being hateful or bigoted.

I recently tried to have a dialog with a blogger here on WordPress who’s opinions about transgender folk were rather…asinine. To sum it all up, his feelings were,

“Gender dysphoria is just an excuse. The real problem is self hate.”

This person, who blathers on and on about black rights, apparently feels compelled to blather on and on about transgender rights in the negative, despite knowing nothing about us; and then they post drivel such a that as though they have an educated basis to say such tripe. I recently saw a twitter post which I felt was appropriate to those like that blogger;

2015-07-03 17.10.34

If you want to have a conversation about things, try educating yourself on the topic firstly, and rather than post uneducated drivel, come from an actual position of conversation, not hate speech.