Din and Clamor of the Background

Well, last Tuesday I spoke with my Psychologist. The first half of the session we discussed some work and family issues I’ve been dealing with. The second half of the session, I revealed to her the dreams I’ve had recently concerning living as Caden or undergoing various stages of transition. 

She asked me some diagnostic questions, I suppose to get a feel on where my head is at. I would obviously choose to spend more time as Caden or live as Caden, if all things were equal or there were no consequences or loss. Unfortunately, that is not the world we live in. 

I am not sitting here looking forward to the day where I transition. I am actually fearful of transition or the need to. Essentially due to the fear of loss, which is a consequence of rejection. I have never handled rejection well. But the idea of losing my family, even if they hurt me or piss me off regularly scares me. Knowing I would lose Miss Girlfriend both hurts and scares me. 

So after several days of mulling it over, I finally found a way to segue into the conversation where I told her I had spoke to my psychologist about the dreams, as well as the content of the dreams. I had previously told Miss GF that I’d had dreams about living as Caden. But I suppose the context is different now that I’ve mentioned it to my psychologist, somehow she sees it through a different filter and it is now more real. 

Anyhow, I won’t really be discussing the content of our conversation until I run it past my psychologist. I also would hate to paint her in an unfair light. She has been far too understanding, accepting and accommodating thus far, I hate to malign her unfairly and without fully looking at all sides. Admittedly, I mainly see my perspective, and only a small portion of hers. 
Hence my reason for talking to my Doctor about the conversation she and I had. I feel like I should state her again; my intent/desire/need is not to transition, at this time. I will not rule it out, nor will I say it won’t happen. I just do not know. I am simply looking at where I am at, versus where I’ve been, and where my needs have been going, due to who I am and my PTSD. 

However the conversation she and I had made me feel like I’ve an obligation to figure out who I am or who I will be by some unknown future date, before we get intertwined too much more. So hopefully you can see my concern and confusion and why I feel like I need clarification. I have painted myself into corners before via relationship choices, and in this instance I do not wish to put myself or her in a corner. More to follow on this topic next month. 

On a lighter note, my visit to my psychologist next month after our vacation will be as Caden. My Doctor seems genuinely excited about the prospect; having even texted me to arrange a later date, but a much better time. 

I also believe I move have found an LGBT support group here locally, which I may start attending. I just wish it was strictly CD/TG/TS, however the fact there is anything gives me hope. Especially in light of recent issues which have popped up. So any outlet is a good outlet. 

Ever & Always,

Caden Lane

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5 thoughts on “Din and Clamor of the Background

  1. Good luck with the support group. I do hope they can provide for you what you need. I hope you can come to the decision that best suits what you need. Like you I truly would fear transition simply due to the potential of loosing those I love and hold dear.

    Liked by 2 people

  2. Throughout my life I have had a good percentage of my dreams involving dressing as a woman. I can recall some dreams going back decades. 4-5 years ago to kick a 3-4 decade smoking habit I took the drug Chantix. One potential side effect was the possibility of ‘vivid dreams’. THey were not kidding. The dreams were in full color with words and music and very memorable. Almost all of them had me wearing dresses, hose and heels. In one I was with my family at a party. In another my wife and I were at a rock concert. In another I was with work colleagues. In yet another I was reliving a work situation. The dreams were great.

    I then decided to keep a ‘dream log’. When I would have a memorable dream that involved dressing I would write it down. Normally my dreams come and go and you know you had them but the memory fades quickly. Chantix dreams came with longer memories but I now have a record of my dreams. I also found the exercise of writing them down to be enjoyable.

    Just my thoughts.

    Pat

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    • I kept a dream log for years even before my PTSD diagnosis. I already had vivid dreams; in vivid color, with smells, and sounds. This usually came with full recollection of my dreams.

      This has been a boon for the fact I am an avid writer and a lot of my concepts, ideas and material comes from my dreams. It has been a bane in that it seems to make my PTSD nightmares all the more realistic.

      Ever,
      Caden

      Like

  3. If you’ve followed my story, you know I have some experience as to where you are right now. When I started questioning myself, I did not necessarily intend to start transition right away. I simply told my wife I was having “gender issues.” However, that set off a chain of events where, suddenly, my life was in turmoil and, like you, I felt like I was being given an arbitrary time frame by which to figure myself out. As we all know, there is no timeline, We figure these feelings out in our own time. Even a year later (And I’m not sure how we’ve made it a year!), I’m still not, “Yay, transition!” I fear the consequences of moving forward. I fear losing my wife and separating our young children. I fear being alone and poor with my dreams shattered. Truly, no one would willing choose a transgender path if it were not necessary. I am coming to the realization that despite the consequences and fears, this is very well my path. It’s to so, so hard.

    I am thankful to hear you are talking to both your psychologist and Miss GF about how you are feeling. Honesty and openness, while difficult, really are the only way to go. I wish you well, and will continue to follow you, as I am quite interested about where these discussions will lead you.

    Good luck, and remember, there are always hugs here.

    Liked by 1 person

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