Well, last Tuesday I spoke with my Psychologist. The first half of the session we discussed some work and family issues I’ve been dealing with. The second half of the session, I revealed to her the dreams I’ve had recently concerning living as Caden or undergoing various stages of transition.
She asked me some diagnostic questions, I suppose to get a feel on where my head is at. I would obviously choose to spend more time as Caden or live as Caden, if all things were equal or there were no consequences or loss. Unfortunately, that is not the world we live in.
I am not sitting here looking forward to the day where I transition. I am actually fearful of transition or the need to. Essentially due to the fear of loss, which is a consequence of rejection. I have never handled rejection well. But the idea of losing my family, even if they hurt me or piss me off regularly scares me. Knowing I would lose Miss Girlfriend both hurts and scares me.
So after several days of mulling it over, I finally found a way to segue into the conversation where I told her I had spoke to my psychologist about the dreams, as well as the content of the dreams. I had previously told Miss GF that I’d had dreams about living as Caden. But I suppose the context is different now that I’ve mentioned it to my psychologist, somehow she sees it through a different filter and it is now more real.
Anyhow, I won’t really be discussing the content of our conversation until I run it past my psychologist. I also would hate to paint her in an unfair light. She has been far too understanding, accepting and accommodating thus far, I hate to malign her unfairly and without fully looking at all sides. Admittedly, I mainly see my perspective, and only a small portion of hers.
Hence my reason for talking to my Doctor about the conversation she and I had. I feel like I should state her again; my intent/desire/need is not to transition, at this time. I will not rule it out, nor will I say it won’t happen. I just do not know. I am simply looking at where I am at, versus where I’ve been, and where my needs have been going, due to who I am and my PTSD.
However the conversation she and I had made me feel like I’ve an obligation to figure out who I am or who I will be by some unknown future date, before we get intertwined too much more. So hopefully you can see my concern and confusion and why I feel like I need clarification. I have painted myself into corners before via relationship choices, and in this instance I do not wish to put myself or her in a corner. More to follow on this topic next month.
On a lighter note, my visit to my psychologist next month after our vacation will be as Caden. My Doctor seems genuinely excited about the prospect; having even texted me to arrange a later date, but a much better time.
I also believe I move have found an LGBT support group here locally, which I may start attending. I just wish it was strictly CD/TG/TS, however the fact there is anything gives me hope. Especially in light of recent issues which have popped up. So any outlet is a good outlet.
Ever & Always,