Bravery…

I recently read a journal entry on a sister bloggers journal, here. it revolved around the Caitlyn Jenner show. I may be a bad transwoman; I am not a huge fan of Caitlyn Jenner. I refuse to watch the show because of its association with the Kardashians. I find that show and its diminishing of pop culture to be repugnant. But when I heard there was going to be a show about Caitlyn, I had some hope. But then she started her whirlwind media tour. 

Suddenly, her coming out was a circus. Everyone was talking about it, good and bad. Trans issues were on everyone’s tongues; but because of the nature of her coming out; the denials, the lies, the public manner, her association with the media whore Kardashians; there was a lot of negative attention towards trans-people going with what little good came of it. 

Then they started proclaiming her  a hero, suggesting she was brave. Do not get me wrong; EVERY trans person is brave. They all have their own burdens and ordeals. They all have their own personal hell they have been through. Caitlyn is no different. 

However in her case, the media made her transition easier for her; as did her wealth. 

We could all be braver if we had style experts picking out outfits, or makeup artists putting on our faces, stylists doing our hair or wigs. We could all be brave if money was no object for surgery or treatment. We could all be brave if we had publicists buying us awards and media attention. 

I’ve known other transwoman who were far braver with less, while doing far more. And doing far more for the cause. But I despise feeling this way; it feels petty. It tries to sum it all up in a “who’s more trans than they…” sort of dialogue. In reality, it is not about that at all. 

It is about the appearance of the media heralding Caitlyn as more than she is; which is that somehow she is more this or that than the rest of us. 

It is great there is such a modern day figure/ spokesperson for trans-people. But so far she hasn’t used her notoriety as a proper spring board to bring attention to our plights. Thus far, it’s all about the Caitlyn “show,” and I don’t mean her tv show. It’s just about her, not the bigger picture. THAT I take issue with. 

Ever & Always,

Cadence Lane

Conversations with the Future

Its been another hiatus for me since my last writing. I took some time to think about where I was at; however I also wanted to wait to talk to my Doctor about the conversation I had with Miss Girlfriend. This past week, I had the luxury of going to see my doctor while dressed as Cadence. I was a bundle of nerves for the first time since I started dressing fully.

She adjusted very well to Cadence’s presence, and it seemed like the first half of our session was about how great/ happy/ beautiful/ well dressed and put together I was. She repeatedly complimented my outfit, shoes, hair and makeup as well. It was really fun at first. She was amazed at how at ease I was and relaxed, and I believe she saw a discernable difference between my male aspect, and my femme aspect.

Eventually, I had to delve into the conversation I had with Miss Girlfriend. I explained to my Doctor how Miss Girlfriend had this expectation that I would be able to come to some sort of resolution or conclusion before I propose or we are married. That I felt like there was now a time limit on our relationship; a hard limit to what my Love and her Love is worth. After that conversation, I suddenly felt so alone; rejected even. She had verbalized that I stood the chance of being an embarrassment to her, to a potential child we have only dared hope for. The idea of having to explain me to family, friends, or our child scared her. The idea that she would appear to be living life as a lesbian bothered her.

My doctor was stunned; she could not have expected such a reaction from Miss Girlfriend. I think deep down, she expected Miss Girlfriend to be far more tolerant and understanding; even willing to look past things due to her Love for me. It is unfortunate that this doesn’t seem to be the case.

My doctor suggested that perhaps that if I ever did elect to live my life as Cadence, it would be possible to dress more androgynous than femme while at home with Miss Girlfriend. I suspect that would not suffice; for either of us. I am not satisfied with merely androgynous. To me, it is very undesirable, unattractive, and does not represent where I am at on the gender scale. But I also have to acknowledge that my femininity will not be attractive to a vast majority of women out there; most notably, Miss Girlfriend.

My Doctor felt that based on what she was seeing in my comfort levels and my ease, that I would be successful if I ever chose to live as Cadence. She also reinforced that she believed my family would be or eventually would be supportive if they truly Love me. I still have my misgivings to that end; however I am willing to hold out hope.

It is safe to say I would jump at the opportunity to live as Cadence; it is a fond wish and drive from as far back as I can even remember. I’ve often remained in denial about it. Even as I talk with my doctor, I am still in denial, hedging my bets by suggesting I am merely afraid of what the dreams may mean, when I know damn well exactly what they mean and where they come from. The only thing holding me back and demotivating me; is fear.

So after my meeting with my Doctor, which in some ways left me feeling euphoric, I was to have lunch with my friend, Rachel. It was so good to see her, as it had been at least several months since we had been able to have a girls day out. We spent some time catching up, and eventually our conversation turned towards my meeting with my doctor. She had been aware of the conversation I’d previously had with my Doctor, as well as the conversation I’d had with Miss Girlfriend.

The conversation was positive, and it too left me feeling euphoric. Rachel told me something I will certainly remember for a very long time; she told me she has seen me go from being very stiff, wooden, unsure of myself and jumpy, to being relaxed and confident, and at total ease in a very short amount of time. She understands my self doubt and fear, but she believes I could very well have a future as Cadence, and she has faith in me.

Since that conversation, and my meeting with my Doctor, almost all I can think about is living as Cadence. I know that is the path I want to take. But that demoralizing fear still lurks in the back of my mind, in the front of my mind, and I think it’s also riding side-saddle in my mind. It is crippling in it’s own way. I truly wish there were a way to get around it, just as I wish there were ways to get around the other barriers in my way. Perhaps I will find the way to do what it is I seek. Perhaps I wont. Perhaps I lose everything. Perhaps not. Only time will tell. But there is one certainly, Cadence is strong within me, and something as positive as what Cadence represents in my life cannot be bad for me.

Ever & Always,
Cadence Lane