Fathers Day…

With all of my recent successes, I suppose I was due a day of melancholy. Fathers Day. It snuck up on me like a ninja in the darkness of a moonless night. It uttered not a sound, it made not a single misstep. Until I looked at my google calendar and there it was. I’ve been working nightshift for quite a while now; so my days and weeks seemingly blur together at times. So I suppose that is how I let it sneak up on me, unless there was a subconscious sense of dread. My vote is for the subconscious sense of dread. And now I sit here before laying down for the day feeling melancholy, feeling disillusioned, and wondering what the answer to all of this is?

With me now moving towards transition, it raises rather uncomfortable questions; what if anything will my children call me? How will Miss Jennifers children eventually refer to me? I know that biologically I sired my children, of that there will never be any doubt. But more and more I do not connect with the gendercentric term of father. I dare not say I feel motherly; I suppose I reserve that term for a mother who actually gave birth to a child. I cannot lay claim or usurp that title simply on a whim or change of my gender preference. I wouldnt pretend to anyhow.

But this disillusionment I now have with Fathers Day leaves me wondering whats next, what will I be? Can’t we just have a parents day? Will my children look at all future fathers dayd wistfully, will they be just as melancholy as I am now, will they resent me and my efforts to live happily? Will I somehow taint fathers day in their eyes, and take away their enjoyment when they too are fathers?

I’ve no answers in this. It is something I’ve wrestled with all night really, and still nothing appears to lead me any closer to what the answer or answers may be. Unless… unless we fall back to the old standby of; life is what you make of it. I could sit here and feel melancholy about an artificial holiday, or a gendercentric title, or I can take refuge in the fact I truly Love and look out for my children, that I have done the best I could parenting them, making parental choices, protecting them, and trying to teach them to be men of strong character. I have sacrificed for them. I’ve remained at jobs I had no love or joy for. I have sacrificed financially. And most of all, I have remained a gender I could not stand to live as much longer to insure their life was as smooth as possible.

I know what I’ve done, I know what I’ve felt, I know what I’ve sacrificed and given up, to have the title of parent. I’ve bled my own blood, and had theirs on me. At the end of my life, I was a parent first and foremost.

 

Ever & Always,

Cadence

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8 thoughts on “Fathers Day…

      • Yeah I had to get rid of the negativity the blog was taking on. Went to a therapist, for several months. All kinds of and downs and finally mostly ups. My daughter is accepting, my wife her days, and it’s been really great. I’m about a month into HRT and my appointment with the endo is the seventh. I hope you’re doing better. The last I read months ago was pretty gloomy.

        Liked by 1 person

      • I wish my GP had put me on HRT before I had to see an endo…

        I’m glad both of our blogs are back on a positive upswing. Truth is I was feeling pretty gloomy. But things leveled off and now they are rising. I’ve spoken with two of my doctors about HRT and now I’m just waiting for my endo referral. I’m in a much different place than I was 6 months or a year ago. And it feels so awesome! I’m so happy for you as well hon!

        Ever,
        Cadence

        Liked by 1 person

      • Glad to hear you’re on the up and up. I went to the local support group and made a couple friends who referred me to endo. The therapist asked me in the last two sessions if I was on hrt yet. I said no in the last session stating I needed that letter. She said would send it when they asked for it. So I have given that info to the endo. Other than work and my parents I’m living full time.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Mother’s Day and Father’s Day were difficult days this year. I seem to be in the minority of transwomen who want to be referred to as a mother (or some other motherly parental title). Many of the trans parents I know transitioned with children ages 8+, who were well established in calling their trans parent a paternal title. And for the most part, my friends ave not made a big deal out of their children calling them Dad. For me, that’s a difficult proposition. My children were 5 & 3 when I came out to them. I have strong maternal feelings. I have a desire to actually carry and birth a child, and it saddens me that I will never get that opportunity. I wrote all about coming out to my children: https://symphonicdreamer.wordpress.com/2016/02/17/announcing-gabrielle-part-2-coming-out-to-my-children/

    Since I came out as full-time in January, this was my first Mother’s Day. It was difficult because I wanted recognition. I got a little, but it was barely acknowledged–especially by my wife. At least I got a card. Still, the day was mainly about her, and I didn’t press the issue this year. It has also made Father’s Day a little awkward. As you said, I will never deny the fact that I fathered my children. I told my son that I want him to know that I will always be his dad, and I never want him to feel he was without one. At the same time, both of my children quickly accepted calling me an alternate title. I attribute that to their ages, but it doesn’t make the significance of Mother’s Day and Father’s Day any different.

    I hope next year it won;t be as big of an issue. I hope that I am equally treated at Mother’s Day, and that Father’s Day won’t be a source of anxiety for my wife (or ex-wife probably by then).

    I understand the struggle.

    Sincerely,
    Gabrielle
    (SymphonicDreamer)

    Liked by 2 people

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