Whew…glad that’s Over!

Wow, it’s been a hectic and dramatic month and a half. When last we left our heroine of the story, she had been prescribed her first month of hormones…

And that really is where we left off; unfortunately, there was a lot going on in the background I was hesitant to mention and in some cases I could not mention. Things have settled down, and pending matters were dealt with.

Mere days before I was to start hormones, a situation occurred at work where I was forcibly outed. I recently received an Special Victims Investigator position within my agency, and my sergeant decided it would be a good idea to go to Rachel, who also works with me, and tell her that the position would be a good fit for me due to my,

“Obvious feminine qualities.”

Rachel said nothing about it, but informed me later on. I also became aware of rumblings about “that trans-guy.” To that point, nothing was said about it in the open; just whispers, rumors and conjecture. Then one morning, my lieutenant was bragging on me and giving me kudos while explaining I’d be training and working beside my new lieutenant, who’d be starting in mere days. I should also mention I was up for a promotion to sergeant at that point as well. While the lieutenant was in the process of doing this, my sergeant decided that would be the appropriate time to suggest that my lieutenant had also informed my new lieutenant about my, “crossdressing ways.” To a room full of my fellow officers.
She was trying to take the kudos away from me, trying to steal that moment, and at the same time attempt to weaponize my Trans status against me. She was creating a situation where she could forcibly out me, or make me out myself. She said crossdressers, but we had recently been through Safe Space training; she apparently mistakenly thought “crossdresser” was a safe euphemism for Trans. She was proved wrong. Her initial statement to Rachel showed what she really meant.

The room fell silent. Minutes before, everyone had been joking around, having a good time. It was a typical shift change. Then that hateful woman opened her mouth, and the room fell silent. I already knew what she had said to Rachel weeks before, the two events were instantly connected with my mind. I could only glance at Rachel, and all the color had drained from her face.

I imagine my face fared the same. I did what I could to deflect it, and went home. I never did get any sleep, and I had just come off of a nightshift and had to go back to another one. I had gone back and forth on various options. But the only one that was a safe bet was to come out to my Lieutenant. Fortunately, he is gay, and when we worked for another agency together, he was forcibly outed. So I knew he understood. In my mind, there was no way I could explain to him about the two instances and the rumors and speculation I’d heard about, without coming out to him. I felt that if I was to complain about those multiple instances, that he would eventually figure out that where there is smoke, there was fire. He is a trained investigator after all. He knows a clue when he hears one.

I could only surmise how she found out. A few options come to mind. One theory is; we had a former officer who had a predilection with anything crossdresser or transgender related. I surmise he may have stumbled on this blog or my Facebook page, or found archived photos. Another theory is; our agency has a Social Media Analytics lab. It’s a computer lab that scours the geolocation data of social media, looking for certain search strings, activities, or key words. When officers are attached to that detail, they are required to sign nondisclosure orders, as well as orders which direct them NOT to research employees or police officers of the University. I tend to think she abused her usage of that system to create dossiers on everyone who was a risk to her or her advancement.

I had gone to that agency because it is at a liberal university, I knew that when I came out, it would be the best place for me to transition. I just had not planned on coming out this soon, I had not even begun hormones yet. Transition was still a little way down the road. But I knew I needed to take ownership of things a bit, I needed to control the message, and minimize the damage. I began by telling my Lieutenant. It was the easiest coming out I think I’ve ever encountered. I ended up having to make a written statement, as did everyone else in the room. Human Resources now had me on their RADAR.

I met with the head of Human Resources, and he was appalled at the treatment I’d been subjected to. His investigation was underway; he could not reveal what would take place, but he assured me it would be dealt with. I felt I was in good hands, and that my grievance was being heard and taken serious. He mentioned that perhaps I could be instrumental in helping write our institutions transgender policy, as well as our transition protocols. He felt I had a very bright future with the institution, and that I could potentially be an advocate or mentor to other transgender employees, possibly even transgender students.

I walked away from that meeting feeling good; but i was still wary. With good reason. HR had to brief my Chief on the complaint against my supervisor. He was not told I was transgender; it had been decided to minimize who knew. Within a few hours of my Chief being briefed, he apparently told my former supervisor, she then decided to double down on stupid.

A new male officer and friend of mine had made mention to her that due to having eight sisters, he had a particular affinity for women’s purses and shoes. He did not indicate he wore them, merely that he appreciated them. Maybe as a fetish, who knows? Anyhow, I was writing a report, and she was standing behind me, talking to two other officers. She told them the story about how he had mentioned he enjoyed purses and shows. She followed that up with saying that it was just disturbing and concerning. It was about this time that I could hear her shift to where she was looking at me as she spoke. Then she said something which was definitely directed at me, because of the aspect change in her voice, because she was no longer speaking away from me, her voice was directed towards me, despite the other two officers standing in another direction, but she also said something that was completely out of context to the rest of her conversation. But in the context of it being directed at me, it made sense; she said,

“How do you like them apples?!”

Again, that phrase was completely out of context in that conversation. I immediately contacted my HR rep, and made him aware, and I was yet again forced to write another statement. I tried to take into account maybe I was being hyper-sensitive to her forcibly outing me, and that maybe I was taking personal affront to what she said. But even as she was talking about the other officer, saying that his love of purses and shoes was concerning and disturbing, that felt like it was less about him, and more about me. Needless to say, my friend the purse guru, was told about her comments, and he too filed a grievance. My HR rep could not believe the gall she had to do that, and so brazenly. It was not long after all that , when the chief and the sergeant began to retaliate against my friend the purse guru. To the point the chief had even lied to the HR director about whether or not he had spoken to purse guru about a matter.

As things continued to develop, I was made aware that the chief had also stated he felt I should not be a supervisor or receive a promotion because of my complaint against my former supervisor; keep in mind, the complaint is sustained and factual, and he feels he could simply make a statement like that which has direct repercussions to my ability to grow upward in the organization, impact my wallet, and impact my career and reputation in general. Not to mention, it was retaliatory since I complained against the woman he was attempting to protect.

She really had no business being a police supervisor. She lacked the knowledge, experience, and wherewithal to be an effective supervisor. She would find capable officers such as myself, and ride their coattails, at least until they figured out that was what she was doing. She’d take ideas and bill them as her own. When you have a police supervisor who has to call her boyfriend to ask him what she should do in situations, that’s indicative she is incapable of the job, and that there is a problem. Then, when she forcibly outs a Trans employee, violates their rights, privacy, and God knows what else, that shows a pattern of abuse and negative retention. If you can’t tell, she picked the wrong girl to screw with; I earned my old supervisor stripes. I did my time in the trenches. From what I understand, she did not even make it past her field training with her first department.

My former supervisor continued to trip on her own feet, making multiple mistakes in judgement that did not pertain to me. She then turned in her resignation. At this point I can only surmise if that was her sensing the end was near, or if she was trying to gain leverage and get the University to counter. It wouldn’t surprise me if she thought that would work, she thought she had more value than she did, and she felt the chief was capable of covering for her; in fact, it appears he tried, but was unable to do so. She was eventually told her services were no longer needed or required, despite her resignation.

The chief is still here, what his future may hold, I do not know. I leave him alone if he leaves me alone. I’m still not very happy about him still being here; I feel his comment about me not receiving a promotion was retaliatory and biased. I’ve been researching various attorneys, and I’ve nailed down one who is a damn lion. I’m presently debating on what my next course of action will be. I’m a little angry that they have retained the chief to this point, I feel like doing so is negative retention, and affords him opportunity to continue to retaliate against me. And its also like they are saying, your concerns and complaints aren’t important enough to justify getting rid of him.

The University tried to do right by me, they got rid of her, but they didn’t do it using my complaint alone; they did not go after her certification numbers that I’m aware of; which means she could very well still get to be a cop elsewhere if she can con another agency to hire her. She could very well victimize another person like she did me. She could fail a citizen who needs her to be the best cop she can be, and she will fail them.

So now I am trying to figure out if it is even worth it to level a lawsuit, and if so, at whom. Granted, things are still slowly unfolding. There may be things going on in the background that could very well impact my decision on a lawsuit and whom to pursue. Which is why I am taking my time, waiting for all the results, and trying to give the University the benefit of the doubt.

In the aftermath of it all, I’ve only come out to a few o the other officers other than Rachel. I obviously came out to the one lieutenant, and when my new lieutenant began working, I also came out to him so he would be aware of the entire story in case my former supervisor tried to sway him to her side. I was aware that the new lieutenant was also gay, though she may not have ben privy to that, so she was fully capable of doing that; shed done it before. At present, I’m keeping the number of people within the department who know very small. I’ve told the ones I wanted to or had to. I will tell others on a need to know basis, at my discretion.

Transition is presently on hold for now, although I am still on hormones. I have good support structure at work for transition, I have a good social network of friends who now know. But I am still trying to see how my girlfriend feels about me as Cadence. As a note to my previous post; she intentionally referred to me as a woman. It was not her misspeaking emotionally. It gave me a chance to explain to her how much that meant to me. Some conversations are still difficult, it’s difficult to talk to her and see or hear the tears in her voice. Transition is still a hell of a trigger word, she is still afraid of losing my outer male presentation; she Loves the facade that is my male aspect. I’m still holding out hope she can and will fall in Love with me as Cadence, and that she will see that as unconventional as our Love will be, that it can work, that we can be happy, no matter what it looks like.

Thanks for reading all of this, I’ve been needing to get it off my chest, but was biding my time until things developed a little more. 

Ever & Always,

Cadence Elizabeth

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Day Five

Hi ladies! Well day four may have been uneventful, but today showed itself. I was talking with my girlfriend, and I was trying to be funny…and dropped the ball horrendously. I had created a private facebook group for my male account where my riends who know of Cadence can get together and be supportive of me, but also each other, and so we can coordinate various social things I’d like to put together.

This was the photo I had posted.th

So anyhow, I tried to crack a joke about it…but I dropped the ball. I started by saying I had made it the photo for the facebook group, but a message and moment later, I said,

“But it applies to you too!” Yep. Too late. But I kept fumbling.

“Right now it applies to you more!” Yes. I said that.

To which she said,

“Why do you say right now?” Oh gosh.

I then said something about how I looked nothing like Cadence right now, and that the picture always applies to her…and that I was having a weird emotional flighty moment.

She responded that this was one of those things that shewasnt sure how to respond to and that she was sorting out her thoughts and feelings. Apparently, she felt suddenly that she wasnt beautiful, and also that she was now in competition with me as Cadence. Needless to say I spent the next hour digging myself out from under by fumbles, and letting her know that she is completely worthy of being called beautiful, and that I wish she could see herself the way I and my heart do.

She said,

“You are a very good looking and handsome man, and Cadence is attractive and pretty too. I am just not used to feeling competition with a woman I am in a relationship with.”

Despite the back and forth of me trying to demonstrate to her she is in fat beautiful, even more beautiful than me, the last line of that last quote resonated with me. That was the first time he had referred to me as a woman, much less being in a relationship with me as a woman. She has a lot of reservations when it comes to the word transition. She is fearful I will get to that point and it will make her run from me. We are taking baby steps, trying to get her to a point where that may not happen. Even to the point that we are simply shooting for a partial transition, where we are attempting to find balance. This is my choice, because to me, she represents my last chance at a conventional relationship, or happiness.

I am excessively fearful of becoming Cadence, and being alone for the rest of my days, never finding a woman who will Love Me as Cadence. Tracy represents a chance at carrying happiness into this new stretch of my life. I just have to help her get caught up to where I am at. I’ve had a lot of years to come to terms with this; it is my obligation to her to help her get caught up comfortably to where I am at.

I may be called wrong. I may be told that I’m not being true to myself or my true self. But in the end, every transition is different, every trans-woman is different. I may be told that I should not sell out my true self in order to have what I only think is one last chance at happiness and true Love. But to me, she is worth it. Sh, above anyone else is worthy of taking the time to see if there is the slimmest chance that She will learn to Love Me as Cadence. Today may have been a glimmer of hope towards that. Or maybe it was her misspeaking while emotional. I shouldnt read too far into emotional text conversations.

Anyhow, I will certainly have to be mindful of those moments where I feel disconnected or flighty emotionally.

Ever & Always,

Cadence Elizabeth

 

Day Four

Unfortunately, I’ve nothing new to report today. On average just another day. It’d be nice if I had something to report each day; it’d be amazing if the physical changes would move along at break neck speed. But that is simply not realistic. But rest assured ladies, I’ll detail everything I can. 

Keeping the faith,

Ever & Always,

Cadence Elizabeth

Hormones days Two and Three

Well, days two am three  had things pop up. Well Day Two was pretty significant, day three was kind of minor.

On day two I found myself feeling some very positive feelings towards my Girlfriend. I told her in fact that while I had felt like I had always had emotions more akin to what a woman feels, that I now felt like I Love Her More than I did just days before, and what I feel is far more intense than I have ever felt before. So much so that I am thankful I began hormones after I met her, because after feeling like this, I know the heartbreaks I’ve endured before now would feel incredibly deep, maybe crippling, even if the Love or affection I felt at the time didnt meet up to the standard of what I feel for Tracynow. If this is the depth of my Love for Her, then I’m thankful she is the only one to benefit from it. And that’s just day two.

 

Day three

Well, This wasnt so much a big issue. It just revealed to me what my emotions can do to me on a biger scale. It certainly was revealing. My girlfriend and I were talking about an issue which crops up for me from time to time at home; it certainly isnt a major issue, in fact pretty minor in the grand scheme of things. But I became more and more emotional about the issue until I was almost irrational in my level of upset, over a minor issue. Thankfully I did not make an ass of myself; it served as a teaching/learning moment. O am defiantely more aware of what my emotions can do to me, and hopefully that will allow me to be cognizant of the possibility of the future, and reign it in should it happen again. Although often it doesnt seem women make it a point to reign in their “irrational” emotional outbursts. Although theyve never had the opportunity to see thigns from the other persepctive. Maybe my blended perspective will help me maintain a better lvel of control…Uh huh…

 

Ever & Always,

Cadence Elizabeth

Well Ladies… I’m new and Improved!

You heard it here first; yesterday I picked up my Spironolactone and Estrogen! As of today, I’m on them. It’s difficult to say whether this sense of serenity I feel is due a placebo effect of the hormones and blocker. But today I e been at peace, even when I shouldn’t have been. I feel balanced. And it’s an awesome feeling. 

My goal is to try and journal and keep track of things. So….

Hormone Journal

Day One

I have a sense of serenity and peace. 
Ever & Always,

Cadence Elizabeth