Hi ladies! Well day four may have been uneventful, but today showed itself. I was talking with my girlfriend, and I was trying to be funny…and dropped the ball horrendously. I had created a private facebook group for my male account where my riends who know of Cadence can get together and be supportive of me, but also each other, and so we can coordinate various social things I’d like to put together.
This was the photo I had posted.
So anyhow, I tried to crack a joke about it…but I dropped the ball. I started by saying I had made it the photo for the facebook group, but a message and moment later, I said,
“But it applies to you too!” Yep. Too late. But I kept fumbling.
“Right now it applies to you more!” Yes. I said that.
To which she said,
“Why do you say right now?” Oh gosh.
I then said something about how I looked nothing like Cadence right now, and that the picture always applies to her…and that I was having a weird emotional flighty moment.
She responded that this was one of those things that shewasnt sure how to respond to and that she was sorting out her thoughts and feelings. Apparently, she felt suddenly that she wasnt beautiful, and also that she was now in competition with me as Cadence. Needless to say I spent the next hour digging myself out from under by fumbles, and letting her know that she is completely worthy of being called beautiful, and that I wish she could see herself the way I and my heart do.
“You are a very good looking and handsome man, and Cadence is attractive and pretty too. I am just not used to feeling competition with a woman I am in a relationship with.”
Despite the back and forth of me trying to demonstrate to her she is in fat beautiful, even more beautiful than me, the last line of that last quote resonated with me. That was the first time he had referred to me as a woman, much less being in a relationship with me as a woman. She has a lot of reservations when it comes to the word transition. She is fearful I will get to that point and it will make her run from me. We are taking baby steps, trying to get her to a point where that may not happen. Even to the point that we are simply shooting for a partial transition, where we are attempting to find balance. This is my choice, because to me, she represents my last chance at a conventional relationship, or happiness.
I am excessively fearful of becoming Cadence, and being alone for the rest of my days, never finding a woman who will Love Me as Cadence. Tracy represents a chance at carrying happiness into this new stretch of my life. I just have to help her get caught up to where I am at. I’ve had a lot of years to come to terms with this; it is my obligation to her to help her get caught up comfortably to where I am at.
I may be called wrong. I may be told that I’m not being true to myself or my true self. But in the end, every transition is different, every trans-woman is different. I may be told that I should not sell out my true self in order to have what I only think is one last chance at happiness and true Love. But to me, she is worth it. Sh, above anyone else is worthy of taking the time to see if there is the slimmest chance that She will learn to Love Me as Cadence. Today may have been a glimmer of hope towards that. Or maybe it was her misspeaking while emotional. I shouldnt read too far into emotional text conversations.
Anyhow, I will certainly have to be mindful of those moments where I feel disconnected or flighty emotionally.
Ever & Always,