Last week was a BIG Week…

Well, I had to run some errands with my mom last Wednesday and while we were out we talked a lot. As she has gotten older she tells more and more stories from her life, she reminisces a lot. I know a lot of her stories by heart, but I listen intently each time she tells them. We talked about what she would have named a daughter if she had had one, not realizing she was talking to her daughter. 

As the day wore on she began to speak about my girlfriend and how she is such a lovely, wonderful woman. I was immediately emotional, because I’ve been in a constant state of worry about our relationship for weeks. My mom could sense something is very wrong. But I could not immediately tell her. 

Eventually, I was able to tell her. She sat and listened actively, asking questions and explaining her thoughts and worries. She was glad to hear that things went well for me at work. We both knew it would be difficult to tell my dad. We even discussed some methods of how or when, but we were both rather inconclusive on the matter, and shelved it temporarily. 

Not telling dad was upsetting her terribly. Her sleep was being impacted, she was emotionally distraught. Sometime last Friday night she broke down and told him. She said he never said a word about it; he just listened. He has not said a word to me about it, but he is talking to me; we’ve laughed and shared jokes, and on the outside you’d think nothing is wrong. He may be in denial, he may be processing. It’s difficult to say or know his thoughts. 

But he was the next to last barrier to transition. All that is left is my girlfriend and oldest child. My child isn’t so much a barrier as a “Must tell.”As distant as my girlfriend has been, that may be easier than I would like. She seems less and less invested in us. She has said she will always be in my life; the subtext being that she just won’t Love me the way I need and want her to. Which means once again I’m good enough to have in a life, but not good enough for a relationship.

 I do not think she understands that the subtle nuances that made her Love Me to begin with are not part of friendship with me. There are very distinct differences between being My Love and my friend. I mean, you are reading about a woman who differentiates between Love and love. So undoubtedly, there would be distinctions between Love and friend, because even the Love I have for my closest of friends is distinctly different from the Love I have for my partner, including the ways I demonstrate such. There cannot be any having the cake and eating it too when it comes to my Love and affection.  I hope she would sincerely want my friendship under those circumstances, and not just hang on to the parts of me she thought she could. 
Ever & Always,

Cadence Elizabeth

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