Love just isn’t Enough…

Well, my journey has taken a turn. Miss Girlfriend and I have recently hit a rough patch and there has been a higher level of discussion on important matters than usual. 
She has maintained for a while now that we cannot get married until I finish my College degree; not even my Masters degree, just my associate level degree. Her rationale is that I need to be making more money before we move in together/ get married.  

Fair enough; money problems are a huge sticking point for many new couples or new living arrangements. Couple that with the stressors of attaining a degree or two, and it stresses the relationship to capacity. But as the money/education issues were put to bed, an old comment came back to haunt me. She seemed to forget that she had said it previously; even my Doctor had forgotten that it had come up previously. 
The comment was, 

“You need to decide if you would ever want to live full time as Cadence. If so, you need to let me know; because that just doesn’t work for me. ” 

Apparently, her fear is that were we to have a child, they would face ridicule or mockery, or that someone would try to take the child from us. She was worried how it would affect her job, her family, her friends, my family, my friends, my job… It seemed there was no end to the number of things which concerned her about such a prospect. Some reasonable, most irrational. She feels that living in Savannah, GA, that it’s not a safe place in the country to entertain such a goal or come out as Transgender. 

She was also adamant about how it would impact her personally. She insisted that she is not a lesbian, and therefore would not be attracted to me as Caden, and cannot provide me the affirmation I seek and would seek as Cadence. Nor could she provide me the affection I would certainly need. She still treated Cadence as though she’s a separate  entity from my male aspect; like I am somebody else when I am Caden. 

The issue became so emotional and drawn out that I texted my Doctor, with me in an emotional crisis. I talked with my doctor as much as I could, but also asked if she could fit Miss Girlfriend and I in for an emergency session. She got us in three days later; feeling that the whole episode was forcing an identity crisis on me. Miss Girlfriend and I called a truce, and ceased talking about things until then. It really did feel as if Miss Girlfriend expected me to sort out in the span of days or weeks what it takes some transgender a lifetime to sort out. 
We went to the meeting with my Doctor, and it became clear that I really do need to come to terms with what I need to be happy in this world. Miss Girlfriend made it clear that she could not fathom living in Cadence’s world full time as anything more than a friend. Even a partial transition where Cadence was around as much as my male aspect was not well received. I told her it felt like she was trying to get rid of Cadence piece-meal. 

Around New Year’s Day, we had a discussion after a Caden day out in Jacksonville, FL that she had a list of concerns about my safe choices of where and when I went out dressed. She also indicated she didn’t feel it was safe for me to be seen with her in the city where we live. She had also given me male underwear for Christmas, despite knowing I wear exclusively panties now. Once Miss Girlfriend gave me her ultimatum on knowing if I wanted to live my life as Cadence, I began to look at what life would be like if Miss Girlfriend and I were to live together under her rules. 

I guess I figured that as my children grew older and went to school; it would afford me new opportunities to spend time as Cadence; to be able to get dressed up at home or de-frock and clean up in the comfort of my own home. However little of that seems possible under her rules, expectations, or fears. She is uncomfortable socializing with Caden in town, she’s uncomfortable with the idea of me leaving our home while dressed or driving my vehicle for fear a neighbor will see me. She is fearful our future child may see and be confused. She voiced a concern about what the child would even call me in such a situation; I told her she was the only one who would have earned the title mom or mommy.
 The addition of a child throws all sorts of other wrenches into the works; time where I would want to dress after work on when nothing was planned would not be possible, because it would be in the purview of the child, who mustn’t know about Cadence. When I mentioned that understanding and acceptance starts at home, she said that isn’t fair. But somehow it’s fair to paint me into a corner, minimize my feelings, needs and wants. To isolate me, diminish my social ability, subject me to a false paradigm of right and wrong and demand I bend to your will. 
When I discussed dressing after work, she even wanted me to collaborate with her in case we had plans or visitors; which smacked of having to ask her permission. Keeping in mind this is the same woman who got pissed when she went on a distant trip from town and was incensed when I was put off that she should have let me know she got there safe, or that she should have checked in periodically so I knew she was safe; because she was after all undertaking what can be a dangerous activity. She felt I was being “controlling.” Wanting to know she was safe, had a fun day, and communicate is controlling. Got it. I’m all for communication; obviously. But the way she was going about things really did feel as though she was tightening the reigns on that upstart delinquent Cadence. Then she said something I may never be able to forgive,

“You are just playing pretend. You aren’t a woman, you will never be a woman. It is all just a game of pretend that people can and will be hurt by.” 

Because gender dysphasia can’t possibly be a factor; that my genetics say one thing, but my brain can’t possibly say another. 

Turn it back around to me and when I pushed back over the collaboration about dressing; she felt I wanted to operate without rules or impunity. Mixed signals; she wants to operate under her own set of rules and apply another to me. I’m all about rules and structure. But I expect rules and their application to be equitable; to all parties involved. 

Factor in the recent men’s underwear gift, all of her concerns, fears and rules and it really did feel that Cadence was a massive inconvenience, embarrassment and source of irrational fears; that she was willing to diminish Caden in her mind, and force Caden back in her box, a small piece at a time. It was also clear to me, if no one else, that Cadence had been burdened with so many rules it would be prohibitive for her to breathe, much less exist. 

During the meeting with our Doctor, the most I would fess up to was that if given the opportunity, and all things being fair and equal, I would jump at the chance of living as Cadence. I guess I qualified it too much, because she did not immediately dissolve our relationship. In fact it seems she is still trying to negotiate us out of this. She has constantly reminded me of how tolerant, helpful and understanding she has been. She has reminded me of the gifts and tutelage she has given me in our time together. Even as we left the Doctors meeting, she gave me two new purses and some makeup. Talk about mixed signals. 
I have not come outright and told her I want to eventually live as Cadence. I suppose I will have to. I worry about breaking her heart and wasting her time. One of those two things will inevitably happen. It is unavoidable. We spoke of it briefly during our conversations recently; that no matter how this plays out, we both wish to remain close friends. Deep down that makes my heart ache though. Watching her move on without me, as I still pine for her; knowing that I will never enjoy the possibility of enjoying a romance with a woman ever again, because women who would love both my male aspect or Caden or only Caden are far and few between. But she worries that if we stay together, I will grow to resent her because I cannot live as Cadence while I am with her. I may not blame her for that now, but she worries I will.   

I worry that I will tell her; and through the hurdles of life, perhaps I never take or get the chance to live as Cadence; which would mean I threw away a perfectly good life and relationship on an empty hope. But I can also look at that as a reason to make it happen; the cost is so high, how can I ever justify not taking the leap to give Cadence life?!
In the back of my mind, if Miss Girlfriend had walked out of that meeting, my next question for my Doctor would have been, what do we need to do to get hormones started? For me not her.” Fortune did not afford me that option. I will never know what I would have done if she had walked out of that meeting. I do know my torrent of tears would have certainly persisted. But even going into that meeting, I knew the costs would be severely high to me. They still are, some are yet to be fully grasped or realized. I am still trying to come to terms with what new realities lay before me. I worry I am overthinking things, but then I also worry I haven’t taken everything into account. 
I know I should tell her, but the abject fear of being alone and without her, paralyzes me. 

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Drive the place like you own it… Or stole it!

Recently, another CD posed a question in a Facebook group we are both members of. She said,
“So I might be making my first step out with others in public for the 1st time in April, is there anything I need to know as a cross dresser…”

Among the many responses, mine was,
“Wherever you are, act like you own it. Thats the best way to have fun, and have confidence. Remember poise and posture, don’t slump your shoulders, walk with your shoulders back, and smile. The night will be yours, so just enjoy it!”

A few days later I received a private message from her asking how could she do the things I had suggested. I went on to explain to her what I’ve found to make outings more enjoyable. By acting like you own the place, you act sort of like the hostess. Engage people, simply ask if they are having a good time at the club or party. Find ways to enter the conversation that way, it allows you to be engaging. Act and feel like the party revolves around you; that you are the life of the party.

This makes you more approachable, and people will interpret it as confidence. Confidence is a hell of an aphrodisiac, but it also makes people want to talk to you and be around you. Be positive and outgoing.

When I say do not slump your shoulders, there are several reasons. The first is presentation. Slumped shoulders is a decidedly un-feminine trait and behavior. If you slump your shoulders, odds are you will be read or “clocked” as a crossdresser. If we can avoid this, we should.

Second is body language; if anyone walks around, shoulders slumped, they give the impression of someone who has lost hope and/or lacks confidence. As I alluded earlier; confidence is what you wish to exude. It is difficult to shake a person with confidence, so most people will not try. Meaning, even if they clock or read you, but you are confident in who you are and that you belong there, they begin to question why. They wonder what or who you may know that makes you so confident. Do you know the hostess or owner? Are you the owner? If you are so confident, then you must be witty enough to counter any slur or degrading remark they might sling at you. There might be some whom would challenge a confident person, but they aren’t exactly known for being bright.

To walk with confidence and poise, walk like you have a string coming out of the top of your head pulling your neck and back straight. Pull your shoulders back in a natural fashion; do not force it, this gives you a natural feminine poise and grace as you walk in heels. That’s the other key; practice this in your heels, but take a book, place it squarely on top of your head. Now walk with your back straight and shoulders back. Not only will this exercise help you find poise, but it will also help you find your proper stride and gait. When you get good enough at it, you’ll be walking at your full high heeled speed, and the book won’t budge.

If you are shy and introverted in your male life, allow your femme self to be everything you aren’t in your day to day life. Then, find a way to bring the positivity and outgoing demeanor to your male life. Think of it this way, this is your chance to re-invent yourself, to be the version of you you’ve always seen as an ideal. You get to take that from just an ideal version, or a vague idea or concept, and bring it into existence. So be something awesome!

Don’t settle for your status quo! There is no reason why we shouldn’t be able to be who we really want to be behind our hair and makeup; nobody knows the real us, unless we let them in that far. But if we do a good enough job re-inventing ourselves into our femme ideal, then we get to take that same energy and life into our male world, and sort of re-invent that too. Because once you taste the zest and life of living a more carefree life as your femme persona, how much would it suck to go back to your drab life, knowing you have to wait to be You again to experience life with that much zest!

So take the parts of you that create that excitement, and blend them into the aspects of your life. Like I said, find your confidence, engage people, do what you wouldn’t ordinarily do (without compromising your morals or scruples) and be who you ordinarily aren’t, what is it going to hurt? They don’t know you. And heres the kicker, if they know you are a crossdresser, they sort of expect you to have a bigger than life personality; they sort of equate CD with drag queen. Which is wrong on a lot of levels, but it works to your favor. So ramp it up a little, have fun with it. Find that inner you thats lurking around in there. If they do not know you are a CD, then they have no metric for comparison; they’ve no idea how fun you are, so show them.

Ever & Always,

Caden Lane

Valentines Eve outing 2015

Well, my Valentine’s Eve outing sort of started the day before that on the 12th. I was running errands, trying to do everything that needed my attention on my day off so I could clear the schedule on the 13th; this would allow me to completely indulge myself in Caden for the day, and not have to hurry to do anything. I already had Miss Girlfriends Valentines day covered, so all was set.

My day sort of started with that awkward call from Ulta about my makeover with Rachel. The phone call sort of put me in the right mindset, and I was able to get things done, because my goal was in sight.

I stayed up until 2:30 that night trying on outfits, trying to find the right look, and to accommodate for the cold day we were supposed to have. Not only was I getting the makeover, which I highly recommend, but Rachel was also going to take some head-shots of me for a CD/TG Magazine I’m going to contribute to. So I wanted to be dressed warm since there was no way to know how long the photos might take.

So I finally managed to get to bed, and woke up at 7:15 to finish my prep work, and get rolling out of the door. I got my Caden bags out to the car, under-dressed under my boy clothes, and I was off and running. I just had one thing I had to take care of; playing cupid. I had to go pick up and take flowers to Miss Girlfriend, her mom, and Molly. So I was off and running.

Once playing cupid was done, and I had retrieved my camera gear from Miss Girlfriend, I was on my way to Ulta for the makeover with Rachel. Unfortunately, I had forgotten to eat breakfast in my rush. That’s a bad thing when you’ve had Bariatric surgery. Thankfully, Miss Girlfriend had given me a thing of beef jerky anticipating I’d forget. (What would I do without her?!) So I snacked on that, drank some water, and arrived at Ulta with only thirty minutes to put my face on.

Of course I was only going to put on very minimal makeup, but whats a CD/TG to do right? So I skated with bare minimums, but I have to say, despite a lack of beard cover, it looked pretty good. I wasn’t going to convince anyone, certainly not the makeup artist, but it made me feel comfortable enough, and THAT is what matters. So when I got done, Rachel and I went in, and we started our makeovers.

I have to say, wearing makeup in was good for an additional reason; she had to wash it off of me, which was sort of like a mini-facial rolled into the whole thing. I can only imagine what a full facial would feel like. That is now on my list of things to do as well. While doing my makeup, the artist also told me about their Brow Bar; essentially, you go in, they map out your brow lines, and find the best curve for your face. I’m hoping to do that, so that I can find that perfect delicate balance between femme and metro so I can keep them shaped that way. Anyhow, that is for another visit, another time.

So the artist did an amazing job on me; I was stunned when I looked at myself. And to make it better, she accomplished it without all of that heavy beard cover!! I tried to make as comprehensive a list as I could of what she used, but I am sure I missed some details. I bought about five items that day, but will be buying more very soon. I did learn of one thing; Urban Decay All Nighter Makeup Setting Spray. It’s like hair spray for your makeup…sort of. That stuff turned out to be an awesome find. My makeup stayed perfect most of the day. I also found a new lip color I adore, Laura Geller Chili Spice. Totally awesome color. Also found the perfect eyeliner marker for trying to learn how to do those perfect cat eye effects.

The hair beautician also recommended to me a product for getting rid of beard stubble, I think she said it is called shave magic for men. I have to take that with a grain of salt; I’ve always been told it was an ethnic hair product, and too rough on Caucasian skin. I will try it and let you know. But if it works like they said it would, makeup will be even easier.

So after we got done with the makeovers, we went to Longhorn’s for lunch. That was where the only negative for the day took place. While¬† in the restroom, my Fitbit got flushed down the toilet. I shan’t go into detail; not so much that its bad, just that it wouldn’t be lady like, and its about the restroom.

So once we left Longhorns, we drove to a nice little historic site called Wormsloe for my photos. There is this awesome avenue from the public road up to the old plantation that is lined with trees. Even when I was a photographer, I just have this thing for tree lined avenues.

Anyhow, Rachel took some amazing shots of me! For the first time in my life, I actually enjoyed being in front of the camera. I was able to ham it up, be me, look pretty, and it just felt natural to be in front of the camera. It is still difficult for me to smile for the camera; I feel I haven’t found my femme smile. My smile feels far too masculine and forced. But even my smile as a guy feels forced. I’ve never smiled for pictures. It may be a circular argument in a way; I detest pictures as a boy, so I do not smile, but since I do not smile, they insist on me smiling and taking even more pictures, thereby making me detest male pictures all the more. This then makes me leery of cameras as Caden, and makes it tougher for me to warm up to the camera.

I digress; again. So anyhow, I really was starting to warm up to the camera this time, despite the cold temps, and Rachel was becoming a natural with talking me through it and getting great shots.

So we drove back to my car and had a really deep and fun conversation before she had to go. It was at that point that I fully realized that we had grown closer as friends since we talked about Caden that first time. I’m the same person to her either way, but this has certainly brought us closer, and given us a way to experience our friendship in bigger ways, with far more freedom.

Eventually Rachel had to go, however Miss Girlfriend had managed to get off from work early, and met me at a local mall. We were shopping, but also with a purpose; to find the perfect dress for our cruise.

We started at Macy’s, where I tried on an armful of clothes. We narrowed it down to a cute asymmetrical black skirt and a brown asymmetrical cardigan. I can never have enough drapes and cardigans; have to disguise my shoulders and arms!

We then went to Ross, where we found a cute polka dot dress (I’m crazy for polka dots, I think that ties in to my love of pinup art), a cute black dress with a mesh hem, a black floral lace top , and a cute black and floral sheath dress.

Before I knew it, it was dinner time. Caden had to go because we were not sure if Miss Girlfriends mom would be joining us for dinner. But I was able to make a quick change, and join Miss Girlfriend for dinner. It was a simply awesome day and I spent it with two amazing and beautiful women. My life is richer and fuller for having them both in it.

Ever & Always,
Caden Lane

THE Sorority: Savannah… most certainly not a failure

In an article a few weeks back, I spoke of a Sorority I had attempted to start up here in Savannah. The idea was to create a social and support group that was geared towards a classier presentation and did not delve into the seedier side of things with all the sex. Something this area desperately needed. I had such high hopes for the effort, I had monumental goals too.

I set about setting up a message board for it, and an infant website. Before I knew it, It had twenty members! I was ecstatic, my dream was starting to come true. The bylaws were coming together, we had a group voting on prospective members, it was all coming together nicely.

To this day, I cannot say what happened exactly. But activity dropped off, new membership dropped off; it was devastating to me. THE Sorority: Savannah represented a dream of mine, on a grand scale. I had a vision where the membership dues could eventually go towards a clubhouse, with locker space and changing rooms tailored to our needs, so that sisters who needed to store stuff and change on premise, could. There wa a plan to have bar space, as well as social dens, and our own little ballroom. I was intending to use a business model utilized by Swingers clubs that I had previously visited when I was active in that lifestyle. Those clubs allowed nonmembers to buy into a certain level of access to the club, so that should they decide to show, they were already a member, and had certain perks afforded them. However they would not be full members. Full members of course would pay for that privilege as well.

As I said; I had big dreams. There are several reasons I think membership waned; there were about three key events which took place around that same time. Nothing terrible, there was a specific member I recruited due to her connections within the local community, there were a drive to have our first group outing, and a member had been voted on, and subsequently turned down as a prospect, due to their stalking of one of the newer members. The system we had put in place worked. It allowed us to filter out someone who was a risk to membership and sisters alike. We later learned that the girl in question tended to have a predatory nature with a lot of other CD’s and TG’s. The member I recruited, well, I had heard things, and she had her own groups as well; so I can only wonder what her motives were. But I seriously wonder if the group meeting is what truly shut things down. None o the ladies who were members struck me as being fully or really even part time out. I wonder if perhaps the Sorority was too much too soon, and if they withdrew out of fear of what they felt they were getting themselves into.

I tried to be a good cheerleader; to be positive and supportive, not pushy or demanding, and I feel I had made a few really decent friends. But even those friendships dried up out of nowhere. So for a long time, I took the failure of the Sorority very personal. I felt I had failed to organize it properly, and I felt I had failed as a friend somehow since even those friendships had dried up and flitted away. But then I realized; I had tried. I had stepped from my comfort zones, that safe place where people wish somebody would create or do something that they know they need or want, the safe place where dreams and daydreams happen. I stepped from that safe place into the place of doing it, creating it. I actually made it; it was there for the taking. It was tangible and real, and I had offered it to others. They had simply failed to see my vision, or wish to see it through, or partake. Maybe they lacked the resolve or courage, and no amount of cheerleading I could do would have changed that. I had lived up to my part of the bargain. I created the space for them to be, I had offered my support and my friendship. I had not failed.

That experience served as a springboard for my jump into blogging. I waited a year before I took the leap, I even took a hiatus from Crossdressers.com (not that dramatic kind of “I’m taking a hiatus,” just a quiet sort of semi-lurking.) I was a little gun-shy, I had realized I had not failed, but I did not wish to see my blogging efforts turn out similar to my efforts with the Sorority. But despite that fear and those reservations, I decided to take that leap again. I wrote from my heart, mingled it with the deeper and introspective parts of my mind and soul. And it began to come together. Hoping not to jinx it; but it is still coming together, I certainly hope it will continue to get bigger, and reach it’s audience at every turn. I have legitimately enjoyed every turn in the road of blogging so far, I’ve met amazing people, been able to have amazing opportunities, and expand my horizons as Caden. I now feel like I have more of an identity as Caden, but I also feel as though Caden has a place and purpose in this world now.

Ever & Always,

Caden Lane
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[Sarcasm] Just so you know…there is a gay Disney agenda

I was doing some research on crossdressing/ transgender trips on Disney Cruise Lines. I already had my answer from Miss Girlfriend, but I wanted to see what experiences other CD’s or TG’s had encountered on DCL before. While searching, I found a blog that turned my stomach. Now please keep in mind, I do not like to attach politics of any kind to Caden. But to me, this falls under the mantle of activism. For full disclosure, I’m a devout Libertarian, because I believe in personal freedom and being me, without anybody trying to regulate or legislate it out of me. I see the presently existing two-party system as a false paradigm furthered to make people think they have a choice, that they believe in something, when all it is, is merely bread and circuses designed to create in-fighting amongst the respective members so no end roads can be made as far as free thinking, or more acceptable answers. This is about as political as I’m going to get friends, and I will not entertain any political debate here; as I said, this is Caden’s space, and I detach politics from that. This paragraph merely represents me providing full disclosure of my beliefs, so if there is a slant to my writing, it is obvious, and you may understand why.

So on to the offending blog; I hate to mention the name of the blog, but it will eventually be a necessary evil. After reading their articles, while I hesitate to call them that, it became obvious they are evil, hate filled individuals, with their own agenda and an axe to grind. The first article of theirs I encountered was entitled;

DISNEY CRUISE LINES GAY AGENDA: (GAYCRUISE) Trying to turn young American boys into young American Girls “Even children know something is Wrong!”

Yes, quite a title. Now you might feel that same churning of the stomach I felt. Please use discretion in going to their blog, as it may very well be a click farm, and they may simply write inflammatory articles to generate clicks in order to garner ad revenue. It sickens me that people would do such a thing, and it sickens me more I may fall prey to such, but without proof otherwise, who is to say? But if they do not merely write this tripe for clicks, then I shudder to think that there are Americans that think like these fellows. Please do not get me wrong, I am not naive’. I know there are vast swaths of Americans that have such narrow views. There is simply no way to ignore that prospect. It was obvious before I ever made my presence on the internet evident. It was the primary reason I felt guilt and shame for just being who I was; because narrow minded fools felt morally obliged to shove their narrow views down my throat under the guise of education, religion, parenting, morality and ethics. I suppose what is angering me is not the fact it exists, but that it still exists, and people like these two blog owners feel obligated to further their hate filled rants. What is worse; they still have an audience. They make very simple assertions, make baseless statements and claims, and appear for all intents in my opinion, delusional.

Firstly, they have the audacity to title their blog TrueDemocracyParty.net . I mean seriously, they attack large swaths of America, and claim they represent a true democratic mindset, or an accurate representation of the voting block?!? Oh, they must have conveniently forgotten that the very type of government they espouse is a government of, for and by The People, not the right people, or the left people. They also forgot we are a Constitutional republic, one which is still designed to represent the people. ALL of the people. But they end up coming off as some sort of twisted elitists who want to be able to pick and choose who is accepted and validated in their version of what society should look like. I suppose blond haired and blue eyed may be on their agenda too. They do mention the Jewish Gay Agenda. So I imagine they subscribe to all manner of conspiracy theory. Of course they do; later in the article, they mention the illuminati of all things.

I apologize; my emotion is getting the better of me. So anyhow, back to these bloggers. They then equate, in a rather sloppy and ham-fisted manner that because Disney doesn’t have a plethora of positive male characters on the cruise, that DCL is promoting a gay agenda. They also go on to suggest that Disney is trying to turn little boys into little girls. As if Disney had both the ability and the inclination, and that the two things are not mutually exclusive. Of course, they are so wrapped up in their hate; they refuse to see beyond the gender binary, and of course, they fall for that age old trap of, “well if you want to wear women’s clothes, you MUST be gay!”

So if we follow their logic, if an organization lacks specific male characters, then it must be gay?! So Mattel’s Barbie line is gay? I mean, they occasionally market a Ken doll, and certainly not to the level of Barbie and cohorts. The Bratz line is all female, so they must have a gay agenda too! What I want to know is, how exactly is Disney going to turn little boys into little girls? I saw them ranting and raving about it, and they had plenty of people they wished to blame, but like I suggested earlier, all baseless. If Disney has a gay agenda, I’d rather embrace their agenda, than the hate-filled one they are spewing.

I do apologize that this is not my usual positive approach to my blog. Despite the age of that supposed article, I saw it, and it drew my ire. I had to vent that ire lest it sit there and grow worse. But hate agenda’s like theirs have no place in civilized society; it is just too bad they do not see their hate for what it is. They just hide behind their cowardice and agenda, and act as though that is all the justification they need.

Ever & Always,

A Caden Lane who doubts the validity of the human race tonight

Forgotten Dental visit and Cruise vacation woes

Good day all! Please pardon this article, it was drafted over the course of several days, and was immediately preempted by Miss Girlfriend and Molly’s big reveal.. I felt that article took priority over this one.

So last Thursday, I spoke with Miss Girlfriend about an upcoming cruise we are taking in March. The problem; I couldn’t remember the conversation, at least not completely. You see, that same day, I had a dental appointment, and I had been given some Halcyon for anxiety. Pre-procedure protocol had me taking the Halcyon thirty minutes before, and we had the Cruise conversation shortly after I took the medicine. I tend to absorb meds very quickly due to the nature of my Bariatric Surgery. Apparently, Halcyon sort of sneaks up on you too.

Another thing it did, is it kept me from remembering what I had done before I even took the pill! Oh yeah, there are no potentials for abuse with that drug at all. It’s a potential date rape drug! If you can’t vividly recall where you were or who you were with before you were dosed, and you can’t recall what you did after you were dosed, thats bad. Mix it with alcohol, and it gets worse exponentially. The scariest part was when they decided I needed a second dose due to my anxiety; the Dentist told the Hygienist to grind it up and put it under my tongue. I do recall it had no taste when they did that. So a tasteless drug that prevents new memory, kills recent memories, and is made worse with alcohol. Seems legit.

I swear, I lost most of that day. It was not until mid afternoon that I fully woke up, and even then Miss Girlfriend had to give me a rundown of the days events, conversations, and purchases. Until she told me, I had no idea where all that yogurt came from.

The only comparison I have is imagine a bowl of clear broth soup, with a few pieces of noodle floating around in it representing your memories, and the only way you have to fish them out is your fingertips. But you can’t get a good grasp on the noodles. That was a metaphor for me trying to remember details. I had a few whisps of memories, but nothing I’d call tangible or full. I’m sorry, I went way off topic here.

So anyhow, while talking about the cruise, she told me she wanted me to have an evening where I could go to dinner and a show as Caden. Thank goodness she told me again, or else I might have not known to pack! So that disaster was averted. So now I get to fret about what to wear, because I am a planner like that. It also does not help that I very much enjoy this cruise line and anything associated with it. So I tend to become very goal oriented when planning for these sorts of trips.

But to me, planning for a trip is part of the fun. Also shopping for the trip, packing for the trip, thinking about the trip, and talking about it as well. So, its a good thing I’m a blogger now. One of the things that has come up during my thinking about the cruise is an interesting detail. I’ll just outright say it; it is a Disney cruise. I’m a huge Disney fanatic, so I really do enjoy the cruises and parks. Miss Girlfriend enjoys the parks, but has never been on a cruise. I hope to convert her on this trip.

The issue that has come up is dinner. You see, on a Disney cruise, you keep your wait staff every time you switch to another restaurant. This is handy because they keep your drink and meal preferences and you do not have to remind them of anything.

So here is the problem; if I go dressed the first night, it creates this expectation of whats to follow the next few nights. The same can be said about showing up all week as my drab self, and then *POOF* suddenly Caden shows up. Whats the wait staff going to make of that. Nobody likes to make a scene, most especially me, and I prefer to blend, because pass is a four letter word to me. So how does one blend in this scenario? Should I just say to hell with it, bust that barrier wide open, expectations be damned and say, “Hi, I’m Caden tonight!”

My instincts say to just be me, and not fret about those details. We have a private table, so we aren’t sharing with a family with kids, the wait staff won’t know me, and it’s my vacation. They are Disney staff, so I can only presume they are well versed on how to handle situations like this. I think I was making a big deal over a small matter. The root of my concern was; I do not wish to do anything that will draw ridicule to Miss Girlfriend. I’ve come to accept that who I am will occasionally draw unwanted attention and ridicule; no matter how I feel about that; no matter how right or wrong it is. But I do not wish to do anything which would cast a bad light on her, hamper an experience for her, or make her regret or resent Caden or my time as Caden.

My initial instinct was to not worry about it, and not mention my concerns. It just didn’t seem like that big a deal at first. But that is not fair to Miss Girlfriend, no matter how big a deal it is or is not. It goes against the important communication understanding we have, I shall not violate that trust she has in me. So I’ve resolved to talk to her about it, I just hope it doesn’t end up killing my opportunity to have a very classy Caden evening on the trip. Oh what a delicate balance.

Ever & Always,
An overly balanced Caden Lane

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