Love just isn’t Enough…

Well, my journey has taken a turn. Miss Girlfriend and I have recently hit a rough patch and there has been a higher level of discussion on important matters than usual. 
She has maintained for a while now that we cannot get married until I finish my College degree; not even my Masters degree, just my associate level degree. Her rationale is that I need to be making more money before we move in together/ get married.  

Fair enough; money problems are a huge sticking point for many new couples or new living arrangements. Couple that with the stressors of attaining a degree or two, and it stresses the relationship to capacity. But as the money/education issues were put to bed, an old comment came back to haunt me. She seemed to forget that she had said it previously; even my Doctor had forgotten that it had come up previously. 
The comment was, 

“You need to decide if you would ever want to live full time as Cadence. If so, you need to let me know; because that just doesn’t work for me. ” 

Apparently, her fear is that were we to have a child, they would face ridicule or mockery, or that someone would try to take the child from us. She was worried how it would affect her job, her family, her friends, my family, my friends, my job… It seemed there was no end to the number of things which concerned her about such a prospect. Some reasonable, most irrational. She feels that living in Savannah, GA, that it’s not a safe place in the country to entertain such a goal or come out as Transgender. 

She was also adamant about how it would impact her personally. She insisted that she is not a lesbian, and therefore would not be attracted to me as Caden, and cannot provide me the affirmation I seek and would seek as Cadence. Nor could she provide me the affection I would certainly need. She still treated Cadence as though she’s a separate  entity from my male aspect; like I am somebody else when I am Caden. 

The issue became so emotional and drawn out that I texted my Doctor, with me in an emotional crisis. I talked with my doctor as much as I could, but also asked if she could fit Miss Girlfriend and I in for an emergency session. She got us in three days later; feeling that the whole episode was forcing an identity crisis on me. Miss Girlfriend and I called a truce, and ceased talking about things until then. It really did feel as if Miss Girlfriend expected me to sort out in the span of days or weeks what it takes some transgender a lifetime to sort out. 
We went to the meeting with my Doctor, and it became clear that I really do need to come to terms with what I need to be happy in this world. Miss Girlfriend made it clear that she could not fathom living in Cadence’s world full time as anything more than a friend. Even a partial transition where Cadence was around as much as my male aspect was not well received. I told her it felt like she was trying to get rid of Cadence piece-meal. 

Around New Year’s Day, we had a discussion after a Caden day out in Jacksonville, FL that she had a list of concerns about my safe choices of where and when I went out dressed. She also indicated she didn’t feel it was safe for me to be seen with her in the city where we live. She had also given me male underwear for Christmas, despite knowing I wear exclusively panties now. Once Miss Girlfriend gave me her ultimatum on knowing if I wanted to live my life as Cadence, I began to look at what life would be like if Miss Girlfriend and I were to live together under her rules. 

I guess I figured that as my children grew older and went to school; it would afford me new opportunities to spend time as Cadence; to be able to get dressed up at home or de-frock and clean up in the comfort of my own home. However little of that seems possible under her rules, expectations, or fears. She is uncomfortable socializing with Caden in town, she’s uncomfortable with the idea of me leaving our home while dressed or driving my vehicle for fear a neighbor will see me. She is fearful our future child may see and be confused. She voiced a concern about what the child would even call me in such a situation; I told her she was the only one who would have earned the title mom or mommy.
 The addition of a child throws all sorts of other wrenches into the works; time where I would want to dress after work on when nothing was planned would not be possible, because it would be in the purview of the child, who mustn’t know about Cadence. When I mentioned that understanding and acceptance starts at home, she said that isn’t fair. But somehow it’s fair to paint me into a corner, minimize my feelings, needs and wants. To isolate me, diminish my social ability, subject me to a false paradigm of right and wrong and demand I bend to your will. 
When I discussed dressing after work, she even wanted me to collaborate with her in case we had plans or visitors; which smacked of having to ask her permission. Keeping in mind this is the same woman who got pissed when she went on a distant trip from town and was incensed when I was put off that she should have let me know she got there safe, or that she should have checked in periodically so I knew she was safe; because she was after all undertaking what can be a dangerous activity. She felt I was being “controlling.” Wanting to know she was safe, had a fun day, and communicate is controlling. Got it. I’m all for communication; obviously. But the way she was going about things really did feel as though she was tightening the reigns on that upstart delinquent Cadence. Then she said something I may never be able to forgive,

“You are just playing pretend. You aren’t a woman, you will never be a woman. It is all just a game of pretend that people can and will be hurt by.” 

Because gender dysphasia can’t possibly be a factor; that my genetics say one thing, but my brain can’t possibly say another. 

Turn it back around to me and when I pushed back over the collaboration about dressing; she felt I wanted to operate without rules or impunity. Mixed signals; she wants to operate under her own set of rules and apply another to me. I’m all about rules and structure. But I expect rules and their application to be equitable; to all parties involved. 

Factor in the recent men’s underwear gift, all of her concerns, fears and rules and it really did feel that Cadence was a massive inconvenience, embarrassment and source of irrational fears; that she was willing to diminish Caden in her mind, and force Caden back in her box, a small piece at a time. It was also clear to me, if no one else, that Cadence had been burdened with so many rules it would be prohibitive for her to breathe, much less exist. 

During the meeting with our Doctor, the most I would fess up to was that if given the opportunity, and all things being fair and equal, I would jump at the chance of living as Cadence. I guess I qualified it too much, because she did not immediately dissolve our relationship. In fact it seems she is still trying to negotiate us out of this. She has constantly reminded me of how tolerant, helpful and understanding she has been. She has reminded me of the gifts and tutelage she has given me in our time together. Even as we left the Doctors meeting, she gave me two new purses and some makeup. Talk about mixed signals. 
I have not come outright and told her I want to eventually live as Cadence. I suppose I will have to. I worry about breaking her heart and wasting her time. One of those two things will inevitably happen. It is unavoidable. We spoke of it briefly during our conversations recently; that no matter how this plays out, we both wish to remain close friends. Deep down that makes my heart ache though. Watching her move on without me, as I still pine for her; knowing that I will never enjoy the possibility of enjoying a romance with a woman ever again, because women who would love both my male aspect or Caden or only Caden are far and few between. But she worries that if we stay together, I will grow to resent her because I cannot live as Cadence while I am with her. I may not blame her for that now, but she worries I will.   

I worry that I will tell her; and through the hurdles of life, perhaps I never take or get the chance to live as Cadence; which would mean I threw away a perfectly good life and relationship on an empty hope. But I can also look at that as a reason to make it happen; the cost is so high, how can I ever justify not taking the leap to give Cadence life?!
In the back of my mind, if Miss Girlfriend had walked out of that meeting, my next question for my Doctor would have been, what do we need to do to get hormones started? For me not her.” Fortune did not afford me that option. I will never know what I would have done if she had walked out of that meeting. I do know my torrent of tears would have certainly persisted. But even going into that meeting, I knew the costs would be severely high to me. They still are, some are yet to be fully grasped or realized. I am still trying to come to terms with what new realities lay before me. I worry I am overthinking things, but then I also worry I haven’t taken everything into account. 
I know I should tell her, but the abject fear of being alone and without her, paralyzes me. 

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The Simple Truths of Recognition, Validation, Acceptance

Please bear with me for a moment as I quote some dialogue from the movie Bicentennial Man. This article is not so much about the movie, as it is about what we all hope to achieve, and what we seek as crossdressers or TG.

“I have always tried to make sense of things. There must be some reason I am as I am. As you can see, Madam Chairman, I am no longer immortal.”

“You have arranged to die?”

“In a sense, I have. I am growing old, and my body is deteriorating, and, like all of you, it will eventually cease to function. As a robot, I could’ve lived forever. But I tell you all today, I would rather die a man; than live for all eternity as a machine.”

“Why do you want this?”

“To be acknowledged; for who and what I am, no more, no less. Not for acclaim, not for approval. The simple truth of that recognition; this has been the elemental drive of my existence, and it must be achieved, if I am to live or die; with dignity.”

Robin Williams as Andrew Martin
The Bicentennial Man

I just got done watching Bicentennial Man, a movie that has always elicited tears from me, and it occurred to me that the overall theme was acceptance. And as I watched it, I realized that if we were to replace the device of the main character being a robot; of seeking humanity, and we replaced it with a Transgender person seeking their femininity, masculinity or simply put their humanity, that in the end, it still maintains the same theme. Acceptance; and living life with dignity. It said in beautiful words, what we all feel from time to time.

Sadly, there are those who seek to strip of us of our humanity, femininity or masculinity, simply because we do not meet their ideals or their perceived norms. What they do not see is that by doing these things, they strip themselves of their own humanity because they embrace bigotry. They never seem to stop and ask; is this how one human being should treat another human being? Or how would I feel if somebody sought to strip me of my happiness in life as well as my dignity?Why can they simply not see we wish to be acknowledged, validated, accepted, embraced, understood, and recognized?

Life with dignity should be a universally held concept, but yet in this modern age, even that seems to be beyond supposed civilized and modern men and women. If they would strip that from me, then I strip their right to declare themselves civilized; for they are not. We are all humans, we all bleed, and we all meet the same end. None of us get out of this alive. But at the end of it all, I would much rather say that I contributed to the overall wellness, health, and dignity of those around me; rather than detract from it. I would rather leave a legacy of positivity, validation and recognition, than to oppress and diminish anyone. Why can we as a society not uplift everyone; why must anyone be diminished, pigeonholed, neglected or be looked down upon? I am not exactly a religious person. I shan’t go into what I do and do not believe. To me that is a private matter. But I do recollect a passage that stands out to me through the years.

    “Then he will say to them, ‘I tell all of you with certainty, since you didn’t do it for one of the least important of these, you didn’t do it for me.”

I take the translation of that to mean that if we cannot look out for the least of us, then we do the same injustice to God. I am not saying we are the least of humanity. I am simply suggesting that any harm done to any of us, is harm done to all of us. To a higher power remains to be seen, depending of course, on perspective.

Ever & Always,

An apparently more enlightened than they,

Caden Lane

Valentines Eve outing 2015

Well, my Valentine’s Eve outing sort of started the day before that on the 12th. I was running errands, trying to do everything that needed my attention on my day off so I could clear the schedule on the 13th; this would allow me to completely indulge myself in Caden for the day, and not have to hurry to do anything. I already had Miss Girlfriends Valentines day covered, so all was set.

My day sort of started with that awkward call from Ulta about my makeover with Rachel. The phone call sort of put me in the right mindset, and I was able to get things done, because my goal was in sight.

I stayed up until 2:30 that night trying on outfits, trying to find the right look, and to accommodate for the cold day we were supposed to have. Not only was I getting the makeover, which I highly recommend, but Rachel was also going to take some head-shots of me for a CD/TG Magazine I’m going to contribute to. So I wanted to be dressed warm since there was no way to know how long the photos might take.

So I finally managed to get to bed, and woke up at 7:15 to finish my prep work, and get rolling out of the door. I got my Caden bags out to the car, under-dressed under my boy clothes, and I was off and running. I just had one thing I had to take care of; playing cupid. I had to go pick up and take flowers to Miss Girlfriend, her mom, and Molly. So I was off and running.

Once playing cupid was done, and I had retrieved my camera gear from Miss Girlfriend, I was on my way to Ulta for the makeover with Rachel. Unfortunately, I had forgotten to eat breakfast in my rush. That’s a bad thing when you’ve had Bariatric surgery. Thankfully, Miss Girlfriend had given me a thing of beef jerky anticipating I’d forget. (What would I do without her?!) So I snacked on that, drank some water, and arrived at Ulta with only thirty minutes to put my face on.

Of course I was only going to put on very minimal makeup, but whats a CD/TG to do right? So I skated with bare minimums, but I have to say, despite a lack of beard cover, it looked pretty good. I wasn’t going to convince anyone, certainly not the makeup artist, but it made me feel comfortable enough, and THAT is what matters. So when I got done, Rachel and I went in, and we started our makeovers.

I have to say, wearing makeup in was good for an additional reason; she had to wash it off of me, which was sort of like a mini-facial rolled into the whole thing. I can only imagine what a full facial would feel like. That is now on my list of things to do as well. While doing my makeup, the artist also told me about their Brow Bar; essentially, you go in, they map out your brow lines, and find the best curve for your face. I’m hoping to do that, so that I can find that perfect delicate balance between femme and metro so I can keep them shaped that way. Anyhow, that is for another visit, another time.

So the artist did an amazing job on me; I was stunned when I looked at myself. And to make it better, she accomplished it without all of that heavy beard cover!! I tried to make as comprehensive a list as I could of what she used, but I am sure I missed some details. I bought about five items that day, but will be buying more very soon. I did learn of one thing; Urban Decay All Nighter Makeup Setting Spray. It’s like hair spray for your makeup…sort of. That stuff turned out to be an awesome find. My makeup stayed perfect most of the day. I also found a new lip color I adore, Laura Geller Chili Spice. Totally awesome color. Also found the perfect eyeliner marker for trying to learn how to do those perfect cat eye effects.

The hair beautician also recommended to me a product for getting rid of beard stubble, I think she said it is called shave magic for men. I have to take that with a grain of salt; I’ve always been told it was an ethnic hair product, and too rough on Caucasian skin. I will try it and let you know. But if it works like they said it would, makeup will be even easier.

So after we got done with the makeovers, we went to Longhorn’s for lunch. That was where the only negative for the day took place. While  in the restroom, my Fitbit got flushed down the toilet. I shan’t go into detail; not so much that its bad, just that it wouldn’t be lady like, and its about the restroom.

So once we left Longhorns, we drove to a nice little historic site called Wormsloe for my photos. There is this awesome avenue from the public road up to the old plantation that is lined with trees. Even when I was a photographer, I just have this thing for tree lined avenues.

Anyhow, Rachel took some amazing shots of me! For the first time in my life, I actually enjoyed being in front of the camera. I was able to ham it up, be me, look pretty, and it just felt natural to be in front of the camera. It is still difficult for me to smile for the camera; I feel I haven’t found my femme smile. My smile feels far too masculine and forced. But even my smile as a guy feels forced. I’ve never smiled for pictures. It may be a circular argument in a way; I detest pictures as a boy, so I do not smile, but since I do not smile, they insist on me smiling and taking even more pictures, thereby making me detest male pictures all the more. This then makes me leery of cameras as Caden, and makes it tougher for me to warm up to the camera.

I digress; again. So anyhow, I really was starting to warm up to the camera this time, despite the cold temps, and Rachel was becoming a natural with talking me through it and getting great shots.

So we drove back to my car and had a really deep and fun conversation before she had to go. It was at that point that I fully realized that we had grown closer as friends since we talked about Caden that first time. I’m the same person to her either way, but this has certainly brought us closer, and given us a way to experience our friendship in bigger ways, with far more freedom.

Eventually Rachel had to go, however Miss Girlfriend had managed to get off from work early, and met me at a local mall. We were shopping, but also with a purpose; to find the perfect dress for our cruise.

We started at Macy’s, where I tried on an armful of clothes. We narrowed it down to a cute asymmetrical black skirt and a brown asymmetrical cardigan. I can never have enough drapes and cardigans; have to disguise my shoulders and arms!

We then went to Ross, where we found a cute polka dot dress (I’m crazy for polka dots, I think that ties in to my love of pinup art), a cute black dress with a mesh hem, a black floral lace top , and a cute black and floral sheath dress.

Before I knew it, it was dinner time. Caden had to go because we were not sure if Miss Girlfriends mom would be joining us for dinner. But I was able to make a quick change, and join Miss Girlfriend for dinner. It was a simply awesome day and I spent it with two amazing and beautiful women. My life is richer and fuller for having them both in it.

Ever & Always,
Caden Lane

THE Sorority: Savannah… most certainly not a failure

In an article a few weeks back, I spoke of a Sorority I had attempted to start up here in Savannah. The idea was to create a social and support group that was geared towards a classier presentation and did not delve into the seedier side of things with all the sex. Something this area desperately needed. I had such high hopes for the effort, I had monumental goals too.

I set about setting up a message board for it, and an infant website. Before I knew it, It had twenty members! I was ecstatic, my dream was starting to come true. The bylaws were coming together, we had a group voting on prospective members, it was all coming together nicely.

To this day, I cannot say what happened exactly. But activity dropped off, new membership dropped off; it was devastating to me. THE Sorority: Savannah represented a dream of mine, on a grand scale. I had a vision where the membership dues could eventually go towards a clubhouse, with locker space and changing rooms tailored to our needs, so that sisters who needed to store stuff and change on premise, could. There wa a plan to have bar space, as well as social dens, and our own little ballroom. I was intending to use a business model utilized by Swingers clubs that I had previously visited when I was active in that lifestyle. Those clubs allowed nonmembers to buy into a certain level of access to the club, so that should they decide to show, they were already a member, and had certain perks afforded them. However they would not be full members. Full members of course would pay for that privilege as well.

As I said; I had big dreams. There are several reasons I think membership waned; there were about three key events which took place around that same time. Nothing terrible, there was a specific member I recruited due to her connections within the local community, there were a drive to have our first group outing, and a member had been voted on, and subsequently turned down as a prospect, due to their stalking of one of the newer members. The system we had put in place worked. It allowed us to filter out someone who was a risk to membership and sisters alike. We later learned that the girl in question tended to have a predatory nature with a lot of other CD’s and TG’s. The member I recruited, well, I had heard things, and she had her own groups as well; so I can only wonder what her motives were. But I seriously wonder if the group meeting is what truly shut things down. None o the ladies who were members struck me as being fully or really even part time out. I wonder if perhaps the Sorority was too much too soon, and if they withdrew out of fear of what they felt they were getting themselves into.

I tried to be a good cheerleader; to be positive and supportive, not pushy or demanding, and I feel I had made a few really decent friends. But even those friendships dried up out of nowhere. So for a long time, I took the failure of the Sorority very personal. I felt I had failed to organize it properly, and I felt I had failed as a friend somehow since even those friendships had dried up and flitted away. But then I realized; I had tried. I had stepped from my comfort zones, that safe place where people wish somebody would create or do something that they know they need or want, the safe place where dreams and daydreams happen. I stepped from that safe place into the place of doing it, creating it. I actually made it; it was there for the taking. It was tangible and real, and I had offered it to others. They had simply failed to see my vision, or wish to see it through, or partake. Maybe they lacked the resolve or courage, and no amount of cheerleading I could do would have changed that. I had lived up to my part of the bargain. I created the space for them to be, I had offered my support and my friendship. I had not failed.

That experience served as a springboard for my jump into blogging. I waited a year before I took the leap, I even took a hiatus from Crossdressers.com (not that dramatic kind of “I’m taking a hiatus,” just a quiet sort of semi-lurking.) I was a little gun-shy, I had realized I had not failed, but I did not wish to see my blogging efforts turn out similar to my efforts with the Sorority. But despite that fear and those reservations, I decided to take that leap again. I wrote from my heart, mingled it with the deeper and introspective parts of my mind and soul. And it began to come together. Hoping not to jinx it; but it is still coming together, I certainly hope it will continue to get bigger, and reach it’s audience at every turn. I have legitimately enjoyed every turn in the road of blogging so far, I’ve met amazing people, been able to have amazing opportunities, and expand my horizons as Caden. I now feel like I have more of an identity as Caden, but I also feel as though Caden has a place and purpose in this world now.

Ever & Always,

Caden Lane
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[Sarcasm] Just so you know…there is a gay Disney agenda

I was doing some research on crossdressing/ transgender trips on Disney Cruise Lines. I already had my answer from Miss Girlfriend, but I wanted to see what experiences other CD’s or TG’s had encountered on DCL before. While searching, I found a blog that turned my stomach. Now please keep in mind, I do not like to attach politics of any kind to Caden. But to me, this falls under the mantle of activism. For full disclosure, I’m a devout Libertarian, because I believe in personal freedom and being me, without anybody trying to regulate or legislate it out of me. I see the presently existing two-party system as a false paradigm furthered to make people think they have a choice, that they believe in something, when all it is, is merely bread and circuses designed to create in-fighting amongst the respective members so no end roads can be made as far as free thinking, or more acceptable answers. This is about as political as I’m going to get friends, and I will not entertain any political debate here; as I said, this is Caden’s space, and I detach politics from that. This paragraph merely represents me providing full disclosure of my beliefs, so if there is a slant to my writing, it is obvious, and you may understand why.

So on to the offending blog; I hate to mention the name of the blog, but it will eventually be a necessary evil. After reading their articles, while I hesitate to call them that, it became obvious they are evil, hate filled individuals, with their own agenda and an axe to grind. The first article of theirs I encountered was entitled;

DISNEY CRUISE LINES GAY AGENDA: (GAYCRUISE) Trying to turn young American boys into young American Girls “Even children know something is Wrong!”

Yes, quite a title. Now you might feel that same churning of the stomach I felt. Please use discretion in going to their blog, as it may very well be a click farm, and they may simply write inflammatory articles to generate clicks in order to garner ad revenue. It sickens me that people would do such a thing, and it sickens me more I may fall prey to such, but without proof otherwise, who is to say? But if they do not merely write this tripe for clicks, then I shudder to think that there are Americans that think like these fellows. Please do not get me wrong, I am not naive’. I know there are vast swaths of Americans that have such narrow views. There is simply no way to ignore that prospect. It was obvious before I ever made my presence on the internet evident. It was the primary reason I felt guilt and shame for just being who I was; because narrow minded fools felt morally obliged to shove their narrow views down my throat under the guise of education, religion, parenting, morality and ethics. I suppose what is angering me is not the fact it exists, but that it still exists, and people like these two blog owners feel obligated to further their hate filled rants. What is worse; they still have an audience. They make very simple assertions, make baseless statements and claims, and appear for all intents in my opinion, delusional.

Firstly, they have the audacity to title their blog TrueDemocracyParty.net . I mean seriously, they attack large swaths of America, and claim they represent a true democratic mindset, or an accurate representation of the voting block?!? Oh, they must have conveniently forgotten that the very type of government they espouse is a government of, for and by The People, not the right people, or the left people. They also forgot we are a Constitutional republic, one which is still designed to represent the people. ALL of the people. But they end up coming off as some sort of twisted elitists who want to be able to pick and choose who is accepted and validated in their version of what society should look like. I suppose blond haired and blue eyed may be on their agenda too. They do mention the Jewish Gay Agenda. So I imagine they subscribe to all manner of conspiracy theory. Of course they do; later in the article, they mention the illuminati of all things.

I apologize; my emotion is getting the better of me. So anyhow, back to these bloggers. They then equate, in a rather sloppy and ham-fisted manner that because Disney doesn’t have a plethora of positive male characters on the cruise, that DCL is promoting a gay agenda. They also go on to suggest that Disney is trying to turn little boys into little girls. As if Disney had both the ability and the inclination, and that the two things are not mutually exclusive. Of course, they are so wrapped up in their hate; they refuse to see beyond the gender binary, and of course, they fall for that age old trap of, “well if you want to wear women’s clothes, you MUST be gay!”

So if we follow their logic, if an organization lacks specific male characters, then it must be gay?! So Mattel’s Barbie line is gay? I mean, they occasionally market a Ken doll, and certainly not to the level of Barbie and cohorts. The Bratz line is all female, so they must have a gay agenda too! What I want to know is, how exactly is Disney going to turn little boys into little girls? I saw them ranting and raving about it, and they had plenty of people they wished to blame, but like I suggested earlier, all baseless. If Disney has a gay agenda, I’d rather embrace their agenda, than the hate-filled one they are spewing.

I do apologize that this is not my usual positive approach to my blog. Despite the age of that supposed article, I saw it, and it drew my ire. I had to vent that ire lest it sit there and grow worse. But hate agenda’s like theirs have no place in civilized society; it is just too bad they do not see their hate for what it is. They just hide behind their cowardice and agenda, and act as though that is all the justification they need.

Ever & Always,

A Caden Lane who doubts the validity of the human race tonight

Forgotten Dental visit and Cruise vacation woes

Good day all! Please pardon this article, it was drafted over the course of several days, and was immediately preempted by Miss Girlfriend and Molly’s big reveal.. I felt that article took priority over this one.

So last Thursday, I spoke with Miss Girlfriend about an upcoming cruise we are taking in March. The problem; I couldn’t remember the conversation, at least not completely. You see, that same day, I had a dental appointment, and I had been given some Halcyon for anxiety. Pre-procedure protocol had me taking the Halcyon thirty minutes before, and we had the Cruise conversation shortly after I took the medicine. I tend to absorb meds very quickly due to the nature of my Bariatric Surgery. Apparently, Halcyon sort of sneaks up on you too.

Another thing it did, is it kept me from remembering what I had done before I even took the pill! Oh yeah, there are no potentials for abuse with that drug at all. It’s a potential date rape drug! If you can’t vividly recall where you were or who you were with before you were dosed, and you can’t recall what you did after you were dosed, thats bad. Mix it with alcohol, and it gets worse exponentially. The scariest part was when they decided I needed a second dose due to my anxiety; the Dentist told the Hygienist to grind it up and put it under my tongue. I do recall it had no taste when they did that. So a tasteless drug that prevents new memory, kills recent memories, and is made worse with alcohol. Seems legit.

I swear, I lost most of that day. It was not until mid afternoon that I fully woke up, and even then Miss Girlfriend had to give me a rundown of the days events, conversations, and purchases. Until she told me, I had no idea where all that yogurt came from.

The only comparison I have is imagine a bowl of clear broth soup, with a few pieces of noodle floating around in it representing your memories, and the only way you have to fish them out is your fingertips. But you can’t get a good grasp on the noodles. That was a metaphor for me trying to remember details. I had a few whisps of memories, but nothing I’d call tangible or full. I’m sorry, I went way off topic here.

So anyhow, while talking about the cruise, she told me she wanted me to have an evening where I could go to dinner and a show as Caden. Thank goodness she told me again, or else I might have not known to pack! So that disaster was averted. So now I get to fret about what to wear, because I am a planner like that. It also does not help that I very much enjoy this cruise line and anything associated with it. So I tend to become very goal oriented when planning for these sorts of trips.

But to me, planning for a trip is part of the fun. Also shopping for the trip, packing for the trip, thinking about the trip, and talking about it as well. So, its a good thing I’m a blogger now. One of the things that has come up during my thinking about the cruise is an interesting detail. I’ll just outright say it; it is a Disney cruise. I’m a huge Disney fanatic, so I really do enjoy the cruises and parks. Miss Girlfriend enjoys the parks, but has never been on a cruise. I hope to convert her on this trip.

The issue that has come up is dinner. You see, on a Disney cruise, you keep your wait staff every time you switch to another restaurant. This is handy because they keep your drink and meal preferences and you do not have to remind them of anything.

So here is the problem; if I go dressed the first night, it creates this expectation of whats to follow the next few nights. The same can be said about showing up all week as my drab self, and then *POOF* suddenly Caden shows up. Whats the wait staff going to make of that. Nobody likes to make a scene, most especially me, and I prefer to blend, because pass is a four letter word to me. So how does one blend in this scenario? Should I just say to hell with it, bust that barrier wide open, expectations be damned and say, “Hi, I’m Caden tonight!”

My instincts say to just be me, and not fret about those details. We have a private table, so we aren’t sharing with a family with kids, the wait staff won’t know me, and it’s my vacation. They are Disney staff, so I can only presume they are well versed on how to handle situations like this. I think I was making a big deal over a small matter. The root of my concern was; I do not wish to do anything that will draw ridicule to Miss Girlfriend. I’ve come to accept that who I am will occasionally draw unwanted attention and ridicule; no matter how I feel about that; no matter how right or wrong it is. But I do not wish to do anything which would cast a bad light on her, hamper an experience for her, or make her regret or resent Caden or my time as Caden.

My initial instinct was to not worry about it, and not mention my concerns. It just didn’t seem like that big a deal at first. But that is not fair to Miss Girlfriend, no matter how big a deal it is or is not. It goes against the important communication understanding we have, I shall not violate that trust she has in me. So I’ve resolved to talk to her about it, I just hope it doesn’t end up killing my opportunity to have a very classy Caden evening on the trip. Oh what a delicate balance.

Ever & Always,
An overly balanced Caden Lane

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Navigating in the pink fog… a first timer makeover

As my subscribers will recall, I recently found out my dear friend Rachel had been told by Mrs. Ex-wife bout my crossdressing. When she recently confided in me about this, I was able to confide in her about the extent my dressing had taken recently, and I found in her a true friend; someone who could accept me either way I presented. We recently had lunch where we had plenty of girl talk, and got caught up on a lot of details that were missed out on over the years because of the obvious barriers that existed prior. It was an awesome afternoon. We were both kind of gushing about it, and were sort of giggly too. I had very much needed that.

So anyhow, while we were eating, we resolved to get makeovers together at Ulta. We’ve since both scheduled our makeovers for next Friday. I have to say, I am beyond excited about it. This will be my first actual makeover, and to top it off, we are doing a quick photo shoot afterwards so I can get a headshot for an on-line magazine I am a contributor to now. So it’s looking to be an eventful busy day, and I cannot contain my excitement. I’m already looking at some shoes and outfits I’m considering purchasing for the photo shoot, and feeling fairly indecisive to boot. She is just as excited as I am, and she has an enthusiasm in seeing my reactions and excitement. She is truly happy for me that I am happy. Anyhow, I felt compelled to share this since it has been on my mind for a few days now. I guess I am sort of bumping around in the pink fog a bit. Since I try not to indulge the fog too much, I think I may enjoy this episode a bit; I’ve certainly earned it.

Ever & Always,

Caden Lane

Ever & Always, Caden Lane

I was recently asked where my tagline of “Ever & Always” comes from. I am a student of history, specifically in this case Civil War Love letters. Usually, historical letters are tedious and boring to me, but one day I happened upon a collection of Civil War Love letters, and was entranced. The prose in some was poetic and beautiful; laced with wording that evoked strong emotion, despite not knowing those who wrote or received those letters.

It became apparent to me that we often greatly underestimate those from that era; we think many of them poorly educated, we surmise they were mostly illiterate. While there may be a great many misspellings, or grammatical errors, there is still an inherent beauty to the words they selected.

So I was reading an entry from a soldier J.C.Morris to his wife beloved wife, Amanda. It was the closing tag line that caught my eye. I instantly loved it, and while the language was too specific for everyday use, I felt I was able to capture its meaning in a much shorter, more modern usage. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I did, and I hope you see the beauty that I saw.

Ever & Always,
Caden Lane

Coming out… For the recently deceased

I had recently created a list of potential articles for an on-line TG/CD magazine I contribute to. This subject matter was on the list, and it recently came up at crossdressers.com, a website where I post actively, while I was in final draft stage of the article. It’s not my usual positive subject matter, but it is my hope to address it in a positive and helpful manner which doesn’t leave you hearing funeral dirges.

Often, no matter what part of our life we are talking about, we rarely take into account end of life scenarios. I believe it is something which deserves due diligence. Some of us spend our lives in secret never taking into account the ticking emotional time bomb we stand to leave our Loved Ones at the time of our passing.

Often, these secrets/private matters will be revealed when Loved Ones go to clean out our homes, apartments or storage. If we do not leave information for them explaining what they’ve found, they may jump to their own conclusions, and it may very well not be the truth as we know it and experience it. The human mind is often going to accept the simplest explanation. This could work in your favor if your living situation would allow them to believe they were items left over from some past love. However, you’ve no real guarantee they will go in this direction. They may also believe the clothing are remnants of some past affair. Your family may also find what you’ve left behind, make all sorts of wild speculations about your sexuality, proclivities you may or may not have had, associated affairs that did or did not take place, and possible STD exposure you may have subjected Loved Ones to.

They may then be hyper emotional, because not only have they lost you, but now they find out you had all manner of secrets you did not confide in them because you obviously did not trust them enough, on top of all the other speculations they may make.

Is that the legacy or memory any of want to leave behind? Of course all of this takes a few things for granted; as in, does your spouse or SO know. If your spouse or SO knows, then great! But do not take for granted they will know exactly what you’d like done in the event of your passing. Also, do not take for granted a worst case scenario where you and your spouse part simultaneously. No one expects or hopes for that; however it is best to be prepared for eventualities, which is what this article is all about.

Recently, a very out Transsexual woman named Jennifer Gable passed away and her father, against her wishes, buried her as a man. She had legally changed her name, and fully expected to be treated as a woman. However, for whatever reason, her father had her presented as a man in an open casket. The Funeral home indicated the confusion could have been avoided if a Last Will had been in place. They said because her death certificate indicated male, they followed common practices and family wishes.

If you do not trust family to follow your wishes, despite a will, make funeral arrangements with a funeral home of your choice, give them specifics, a copy of your will and make sure you let them know where you do and don’t want family to have latitude. Then, make family aware of your burial arrangements, perhaps excluding your special conditions. They cannot abide by your wishes on which provider you wish to use, if they do not know.

But also keep in mind, funerals are not for the deceased. They are for family. If you present as a male most of the time, it would be rather selfish to ask to be presented as a female, against family wishes. That’s not the time nor place to come out to everyone. The time for that sort of statement is when you are still walking around. Funerals are of course a very emotional time, and why shock and surprise everyone needlessly, while simultaneously creating hard feelings.

About a year ago, I had Bariatric surgery for weight-loss purposes. Having known people that died on the table, I had concerns. So I prepared a will, made a living will, and also had a very frank conversation with Miss Girlfriend about where my Caden stuff was stored. She agreed that should anything happen to me, she would take it and destroy it. My intention was not to harm my family with my private matters in the wake of my passing. If you’ve anyone in your life you can trust, perhaps a burn-box is an option. I’ve known police officers and military personnel who kept such boxes in their lockers. They were either marked as a burn-box, or they had made special arrangements.

Another option is to leave a prominently displayed letter within your stash. Such a letter should spell out a great many things. First and foremost it should be a very clear admission or statement about the contents of the box. It should spell out in a loving and understanding fashion, with a lack of any bitterness why you felt you could not confide in your loved ones. Perhaps telling them that you hold no ill-will or resentment would be a good way to go. Think of the questions they might have; were you gay, did you cheat, who knew about this, how long did you do it, did you want to be and live life as a woman? Think up as many questions as they may have, and answer them lovingly. Keep in mind, some questions like, “how long did you do it” may be loaded questions and answers for your Loved Ones. It may only reinforce negative thoughts in their minds. So try to look at each question and it’s corresponding answer with fresh eyes; such as those of someone learning about this for the first time, while already emotional. If you feel you cannot make a judgment call on that question and answer, call on a trusted friend or someone in the community to proofread, and be specific of what you want to convey, and what you wish to prevent, as well as what concerns you may have.

It’s easy to say, “They Love me, they will have all of their good memories of the good times. They will think no less of me no matter what. “if that were entirely true, there would not be the ongoing debate of tell them/ do not tell them. We would not find ourselves worrying about discovery or what others may think. If we can ease our family’s grief, I believe we should. If we can put their minds at ease about what they find, and explain ourselves upon our passing, I believe we should. We owe them that, at the very least, if we feel we cannot confide in them in life.

I hope this helps someone, I sincerely hope it was not a downer. I do promise I will try to keep these heavier subjects from following one another. They should be spaced out so as not to interrupt the positive atmosphere I hope to maintain on my blog. But I do believe that if approached correctly this can be a very positive thing, and offer both you and your family peace of mind.

Ever & Always,
Caden Lane

Intellectualize crossdressing?… Well maybe a little

So this morning I go onto Facebook to find a message from a member of the community. I cannot say friend, as we had never spoke before their “friend request,” but I try to allow as many people in the CD/TG spectrum on my list as I can. It is my target audience after all. She went into a brief intro and “how-do-you-do,” and then sort of launched into a rant.

Her rant was simply that I, “tend to intellectualize crossdressing too much.” For a few moments, I tried to ponder why that would be a bad thing. I never really could come with an answer. From my perspective; you understand something the deeper into the subject matter you delve. There are aspects to this which we barely skim over on a daily basis and our collective understanding of it really is at an infancy of sorts.

I fail to see how anybody can do something and not ask the relevant questions of why or how. Unless they simply would not like the answers they come upon. So for perspective and to say I’ve done my due diligence, I spent some time on that girls Facebook page. The best answer I could come up with is; she is a fetish dresser. You will note I do not say “just” a fetish dresser. Everyone is capable of growth. Without deeper context, I’ve no way of knowing how long she has been dressing. For all I know, fetish dressing is just a waypoint through her gender spectrum growth. Maybe she is fearful of that growth and where it may go in the future. As I’ve said earlier, I feel as TG/CD we tend to have our own little puberty or sorts; while we don’t go through hormonal or body changes, we have to learn certain social graces and skills.

My articles are not entirely meant to intellectualize or rationalize what we do or who we are. They represent a personal exploration of who I am, an expression of my thoughts and feelings, stories of hurdles and bumps I come to along the way. If along the way some self discovery happens worthy of intellectual debate or discussion, so be it. That’s all part of the learning process.

I suppose the positive take away from this is; never be fearful of who you are, or where you may end up. Fear has a nasty way of being a crippling emotion. It can hold you in your tracks until the moment of opportunity or decision has passed; thereby guaranteeing a sense of regret and longing. Never be afraid of what you may discover about yourself. Ignoring the truth means you are merely deluding and oppressing yourself. There are too many people out there who will delude or oppress you; why would you do that to yourself?

Lastly, please do me a personal favor, but also the community as a whole; pay positivity forward, let negativity die upon your ears. Build other girls and ladies up, be sincere, but build them up in a constructive, positive way. Negativity among ourselves fixes nothing. It helps or heals no one. It builds nothing, it contributes to no great or noble cause. Because of who we are, there are those who would bully us. Again, why would we do such a thing to ourselves when others are so happy to heap their abuses upon us? If your day to day life has negativity, allow your positivity to thrive in your feminine aspect or life. Make it your happy place, and pay that happiness and positivity forward.

Ever & Always,
Caden Lane