Blend to be…and live deliberately.

Recently while posting on Crossdressers.com two different threads were posted, but somehow they intertwined on a level I didn’t perceive at the time. My answers tended to fall along the same patterns. The first question was essentially; Do you blend to pass as a genetic female or do you blend to be respected as a person if you are perceived to be trans.

My response follows;

“I’d have to pick Blend to be…

Blend to be me, to be happy, and blend to be safer, Blend to be wearing that sexy lingerie, little black dress, and heels rather than those ugly slacks and men’s shoes. Blend to be present and I suppose unobtrusive or draw unwanted attentions, blend to be another person at the party, and blend to be satisfied with my efforts. I do not need the respect of people I do not know, I do not need their validation, although it can be welcome if freely given. And do I really have their respect if they have to presume I am a genetic female while in their midst? If they know I’m Trans and respect me for being there dressed as I am, then I’d feel I had made a spectacle of myself. I did not go to a party for attention or being treated differently, I went to be another party goer. Being me is all I can ask for out of life, and nothing makes me happier.”

The second question was; what defines us? Does the clothes we wear define who we are? Will the job you’ll do define who you are? The good things you do or crime you commit will they define you? What defines a human beings. Have we lost the purpose of existence?

My answer follows:

“What defines us is different for each and every person. Unless you are speaking in a broader term and are referring to CD/TG a whole.

On the personal level, who we are defines who we are. Whatever moral guide or compass you follow, whatever decision making process you have, the sum total of your choices good and bad. The legacy you leave, the lives you touch, the absence of your passing, and who feels that. Those are the tangibles and intangibles that represent a small portion of what defines us and makes us who we are.

What we wear does not define us, unless we choose to take that, and the mantle of defending those who wear the same and defend them, and make efforts towards fighting for their rights. Then, in a way, what you wore defined you; it lead you to become an activist for others. But in that example, the act of wearing clothes wasn’t the defining element, it was merely a catalyst for greater things.

As for the purpose of existence; that too is based on each individual. Our goals are our own, what we seek out of life, and what we get out of life are all on us. The purpose of my existence is to simply be. To exist, to leave a good legacy, a positive mark in other’s lives, to be a memory somewhere. To have been the best me I could be, to be the happiest me I can be. To me, that is the epitome of “simply being.” By doing that, we “live deliberately” as Thoreau said.”

Ever & Always,
Caden Lane

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Valentines Eve outing 2015

Well, my Valentine’s Eve outing sort of started the day before that on the 12th. I was running errands, trying to do everything that needed my attention on my day off so I could clear the schedule on the 13th; this would allow me to completely indulge myself in Caden for the day, and not have to hurry to do anything. I already had Miss Girlfriends Valentines day covered, so all was set.

My day sort of started with that awkward call from Ulta about my makeover with Rachel. The phone call sort of put me in the right mindset, and I was able to get things done, because my goal was in sight.

I stayed up until 2:30 that night trying on outfits, trying to find the right look, and to accommodate for the cold day we were supposed to have. Not only was I getting the makeover, which I highly recommend, but Rachel was also going to take some head-shots of me for a CD/TG Magazine I’m going to contribute to. So I wanted to be dressed warm since there was no way to know how long the photos might take.

So I finally managed to get to bed, and woke up at 7:15 to finish my prep work, and get rolling out of the door. I got my Caden bags out to the car, under-dressed under my boy clothes, and I was off and running. I just had one thing I had to take care of; playing cupid. I had to go pick up and take flowers to Miss Girlfriend, her mom, and Molly. So I was off and running.

Once playing cupid was done, and I had retrieved my camera gear from Miss Girlfriend, I was on my way to Ulta for the makeover with Rachel. Unfortunately, I had forgotten to eat breakfast in my rush. That’s a bad thing when you’ve had Bariatric surgery. Thankfully, Miss Girlfriend had given me a thing of beef jerky anticipating I’d forget. (What would I do without her?!) So I snacked on that, drank some water, and arrived at Ulta with only thirty minutes to put my face on.

Of course I was only going to put on very minimal makeup, but whats a CD/TG to do right? So I skated with bare minimums, but I have to say, despite a lack of beard cover, it looked pretty good. I wasn’t going to convince anyone, certainly not the makeup artist, but it made me feel comfortable enough, and THAT is what matters. So when I got done, Rachel and I went in, and we started our makeovers.

I have to say, wearing makeup in was good for an additional reason; she had to wash it off of me, which was sort of like a mini-facial rolled into the whole thing. I can only imagine what a full facial would feel like. That is now on my list of things to do as well. While doing my makeup, the artist also told me about their Brow Bar; essentially, you go in, they map out your brow lines, and find the best curve for your face. I’m hoping to do that, so that I can find that perfect delicate balance between femme and metro so I can keep them shaped that way. Anyhow, that is for another visit, another time.

So the artist did an amazing job on me; I was stunned when I looked at myself. And to make it better, she accomplished it without all of that heavy beard cover!! I tried to make as comprehensive a list as I could of what she used, but I am sure I missed some details. I bought about five items that day, but will be buying more very soon. I did learn of one thing; Urban Decay All Nighter Makeup Setting Spray. It’s like hair spray for your makeup…sort of. That stuff turned out to be an awesome find. My makeup stayed perfect most of the day. I also found a new lip color I adore, Laura Geller Chili Spice. Totally awesome color. Also found the perfect eyeliner marker for trying to learn how to do those perfect cat eye effects.

The hair beautician also recommended to me a product for getting rid of beard stubble, I think she said it is called shave magic for men. I have to take that with a grain of salt; I’ve always been told it was an ethnic hair product, and too rough on Caucasian skin. I will try it and let you know. But if it works like they said it would, makeup will be even easier.

So after we got done with the makeovers, we went to Longhorn’s for lunch. That was where the only negative for the day took place. While  in the restroom, my Fitbit got flushed down the toilet. I shan’t go into detail; not so much that its bad, just that it wouldn’t be lady like, and its about the restroom.

So once we left Longhorns, we drove to a nice little historic site called Wormsloe for my photos. There is this awesome avenue from the public road up to the old plantation that is lined with trees. Even when I was a photographer, I just have this thing for tree lined avenues.

Anyhow, Rachel took some amazing shots of me! For the first time in my life, I actually enjoyed being in front of the camera. I was able to ham it up, be me, look pretty, and it just felt natural to be in front of the camera. It is still difficult for me to smile for the camera; I feel I haven’t found my femme smile. My smile feels far too masculine and forced. But even my smile as a guy feels forced. I’ve never smiled for pictures. It may be a circular argument in a way; I detest pictures as a boy, so I do not smile, but since I do not smile, they insist on me smiling and taking even more pictures, thereby making me detest male pictures all the more. This then makes me leery of cameras as Caden, and makes it tougher for me to warm up to the camera.

I digress; again. So anyhow, I really was starting to warm up to the camera this time, despite the cold temps, and Rachel was becoming a natural with talking me through it and getting great shots.

So we drove back to my car and had a really deep and fun conversation before she had to go. It was at that point that I fully realized that we had grown closer as friends since we talked about Caden that first time. I’m the same person to her either way, but this has certainly brought us closer, and given us a way to experience our friendship in bigger ways, with far more freedom.

Eventually Rachel had to go, however Miss Girlfriend had managed to get off from work early, and met me at a local mall. We were shopping, but also with a purpose; to find the perfect dress for our cruise.

We started at Macy’s, where I tried on an armful of clothes. We narrowed it down to a cute asymmetrical black skirt and a brown asymmetrical cardigan. I can never have enough drapes and cardigans; have to disguise my shoulders and arms!

We then went to Ross, where we found a cute polka dot dress (I’m crazy for polka dots, I think that ties in to my love of pinup art), a cute black dress with a mesh hem, a black floral lace top , and a cute black and floral sheath dress.

Before I knew it, it was dinner time. Caden had to go because we were not sure if Miss Girlfriends mom would be joining us for dinner. But I was able to make a quick change, and join Miss Girlfriend for dinner. It was a simply awesome day and I spent it with two amazing and beautiful women. My life is richer and fuller for having them both in it.

Ever & Always,
Caden Lane

THE Sorority: Savannah… most certainly not a failure

In an article a few weeks back, I spoke of a Sorority I had attempted to start up here in Savannah. The idea was to create a social and support group that was geared towards a classier presentation and did not delve into the seedier side of things with all the sex. Something this area desperately needed. I had such high hopes for the effort, I had monumental goals too.

I set about setting up a message board for it, and an infant website. Before I knew it, It had twenty members! I was ecstatic, my dream was starting to come true. The bylaws were coming together, we had a group voting on prospective members, it was all coming together nicely.

To this day, I cannot say what happened exactly. But activity dropped off, new membership dropped off; it was devastating to me. THE Sorority: Savannah represented a dream of mine, on a grand scale. I had a vision where the membership dues could eventually go towards a clubhouse, with locker space and changing rooms tailored to our needs, so that sisters who needed to store stuff and change on premise, could. There wa a plan to have bar space, as well as social dens, and our own little ballroom. I was intending to use a business model utilized by Swingers clubs that I had previously visited when I was active in that lifestyle. Those clubs allowed nonmembers to buy into a certain level of access to the club, so that should they decide to show, they were already a member, and had certain perks afforded them. However they would not be full members. Full members of course would pay for that privilege as well.

As I said; I had big dreams. There are several reasons I think membership waned; there were about three key events which took place around that same time. Nothing terrible, there was a specific member I recruited due to her connections within the local community, there were a drive to have our first group outing, and a member had been voted on, and subsequently turned down as a prospect, due to their stalking of one of the newer members. The system we had put in place worked. It allowed us to filter out someone who was a risk to membership and sisters alike. We later learned that the girl in question tended to have a predatory nature with a lot of other CD’s and TG’s. The member I recruited, well, I had heard things, and she had her own groups as well; so I can only wonder what her motives were. But I seriously wonder if the group meeting is what truly shut things down. None o the ladies who were members struck me as being fully or really even part time out. I wonder if perhaps the Sorority was too much too soon, and if they withdrew out of fear of what they felt they were getting themselves into.

I tried to be a good cheerleader; to be positive and supportive, not pushy or demanding, and I feel I had made a few really decent friends. But even those friendships dried up out of nowhere. So for a long time, I took the failure of the Sorority very personal. I felt I had failed to organize it properly, and I felt I had failed as a friend somehow since even those friendships had dried up and flitted away. But then I realized; I had tried. I had stepped from my comfort zones, that safe place where people wish somebody would create or do something that they know they need or want, the safe place where dreams and daydreams happen. I stepped from that safe place into the place of doing it, creating it. I actually made it; it was there for the taking. It was tangible and real, and I had offered it to others. They had simply failed to see my vision, or wish to see it through, or partake. Maybe they lacked the resolve or courage, and no amount of cheerleading I could do would have changed that. I had lived up to my part of the bargain. I created the space for them to be, I had offered my support and my friendship. I had not failed.

That experience served as a springboard for my jump into blogging. I waited a year before I took the leap, I even took a hiatus from Crossdressers.com (not that dramatic kind of “I’m taking a hiatus,” just a quiet sort of semi-lurking.) I was a little gun-shy, I had realized I had not failed, but I did not wish to see my blogging efforts turn out similar to my efforts with the Sorority. But despite that fear and those reservations, I decided to take that leap again. I wrote from my heart, mingled it with the deeper and introspective parts of my mind and soul. And it began to come together. Hoping not to jinx it; but it is still coming together, I certainly hope it will continue to get bigger, and reach it’s audience at every turn. I have legitimately enjoyed every turn in the road of blogging so far, I’ve met amazing people, been able to have amazing opportunities, and expand my horizons as Caden. I now feel like I have more of an identity as Caden, but I also feel as though Caden has a place and purpose in this world now.

Ever & Always,

Caden Lane
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[Sarcasm] Just so you know…there is a gay Disney agenda

I was doing some research on crossdressing/ transgender trips on Disney Cruise Lines. I already had my answer from Miss Girlfriend, but I wanted to see what experiences other CD’s or TG’s had encountered on DCL before. While searching, I found a blog that turned my stomach. Now please keep in mind, I do not like to attach politics of any kind to Caden. But to me, this falls under the mantle of activism. For full disclosure, I’m a devout Libertarian, because I believe in personal freedom and being me, without anybody trying to regulate or legislate it out of me. I see the presently existing two-party system as a false paradigm furthered to make people think they have a choice, that they believe in something, when all it is, is merely bread and circuses designed to create in-fighting amongst the respective members so no end roads can be made as far as free thinking, or more acceptable answers. This is about as political as I’m going to get friends, and I will not entertain any political debate here; as I said, this is Caden’s space, and I detach politics from that. This paragraph merely represents me providing full disclosure of my beliefs, so if there is a slant to my writing, it is obvious, and you may understand why.

So on to the offending blog; I hate to mention the name of the blog, but it will eventually be a necessary evil. After reading their articles, while I hesitate to call them that, it became obvious they are evil, hate filled individuals, with their own agenda and an axe to grind. The first article of theirs I encountered was entitled;

DISNEY CRUISE LINES GAY AGENDA: (GAYCRUISE) Trying to turn young American boys into young American Girls “Even children know something is Wrong!”

Yes, quite a title. Now you might feel that same churning of the stomach I felt. Please use discretion in going to their blog, as it may very well be a click farm, and they may simply write inflammatory articles to generate clicks in order to garner ad revenue. It sickens me that people would do such a thing, and it sickens me more I may fall prey to such, but without proof otherwise, who is to say? But if they do not merely write this tripe for clicks, then I shudder to think that there are Americans that think like these fellows. Please do not get me wrong, I am not naive’. I know there are vast swaths of Americans that have such narrow views. There is simply no way to ignore that prospect. It was obvious before I ever made my presence on the internet evident. It was the primary reason I felt guilt and shame for just being who I was; because narrow minded fools felt morally obliged to shove their narrow views down my throat under the guise of education, religion, parenting, morality and ethics. I suppose what is angering me is not the fact it exists, but that it still exists, and people like these two blog owners feel obligated to further their hate filled rants. What is worse; they still have an audience. They make very simple assertions, make baseless statements and claims, and appear for all intents in my opinion, delusional.

Firstly, they have the audacity to title their blog TrueDemocracyParty.net . I mean seriously, they attack large swaths of America, and claim they represent a true democratic mindset, or an accurate representation of the voting block?!? Oh, they must have conveniently forgotten that the very type of government they espouse is a government of, for and by The People, not the right people, or the left people. They also forgot we are a Constitutional republic, one which is still designed to represent the people. ALL of the people. But they end up coming off as some sort of twisted elitists who want to be able to pick and choose who is accepted and validated in their version of what society should look like. I suppose blond haired and blue eyed may be on their agenda too. They do mention the Jewish Gay Agenda. So I imagine they subscribe to all manner of conspiracy theory. Of course they do; later in the article, they mention the illuminati of all things.

I apologize; my emotion is getting the better of me. So anyhow, back to these bloggers. They then equate, in a rather sloppy and ham-fisted manner that because Disney doesn’t have a plethora of positive male characters on the cruise, that DCL is promoting a gay agenda. They also go on to suggest that Disney is trying to turn little boys into little girls. As if Disney had both the ability and the inclination, and that the two things are not mutually exclusive. Of course, they are so wrapped up in their hate; they refuse to see beyond the gender binary, and of course, they fall for that age old trap of, “well if you want to wear women’s clothes, you MUST be gay!”

So if we follow their logic, if an organization lacks specific male characters, then it must be gay?! So Mattel’s Barbie line is gay? I mean, they occasionally market a Ken doll, and certainly not to the level of Barbie and cohorts. The Bratz line is all female, so they must have a gay agenda too! What I want to know is, how exactly is Disney going to turn little boys into little girls? I saw them ranting and raving about it, and they had plenty of people they wished to blame, but like I suggested earlier, all baseless. If Disney has a gay agenda, I’d rather embrace their agenda, than the hate-filled one they are spewing.

I do apologize that this is not my usual positive approach to my blog. Despite the age of that supposed article, I saw it, and it drew my ire. I had to vent that ire lest it sit there and grow worse. But hate agenda’s like theirs have no place in civilized society; it is just too bad they do not see their hate for what it is. They just hide behind their cowardice and agenda, and act as though that is all the justification they need.

Ever & Always,

A Caden Lane who doubts the validity of the human race tonight

Forgotten Dental visit and Cruise vacation woes

Good day all! Please pardon this article, it was drafted over the course of several days, and was immediately preempted by Miss Girlfriend and Molly’s big reveal.. I felt that article took priority over this one.

So last Thursday, I spoke with Miss Girlfriend about an upcoming cruise we are taking in March. The problem; I couldn’t remember the conversation, at least not completely. You see, that same day, I had a dental appointment, and I had been given some Halcyon for anxiety. Pre-procedure protocol had me taking the Halcyon thirty minutes before, and we had the Cruise conversation shortly after I took the medicine. I tend to absorb meds very quickly due to the nature of my Bariatric Surgery. Apparently, Halcyon sort of sneaks up on you too.

Another thing it did, is it kept me from remembering what I had done before I even took the pill! Oh yeah, there are no potentials for abuse with that drug at all. It’s a potential date rape drug! If you can’t vividly recall where you were or who you were with before you were dosed, and you can’t recall what you did after you were dosed, thats bad. Mix it with alcohol, and it gets worse exponentially. The scariest part was when they decided I needed a second dose due to my anxiety; the Dentist told the Hygienist to grind it up and put it under my tongue. I do recall it had no taste when they did that. So a tasteless drug that prevents new memory, kills recent memories, and is made worse with alcohol. Seems legit.

I swear, I lost most of that day. It was not until mid afternoon that I fully woke up, and even then Miss Girlfriend had to give me a rundown of the days events, conversations, and purchases. Until she told me, I had no idea where all that yogurt came from.

The only comparison I have is imagine a bowl of clear broth soup, with a few pieces of noodle floating around in it representing your memories, and the only way you have to fish them out is your fingertips. But you can’t get a good grasp on the noodles. That was a metaphor for me trying to remember details. I had a few whisps of memories, but nothing I’d call tangible or full. I’m sorry, I went way off topic here.

So anyhow, while talking about the cruise, she told me she wanted me to have an evening where I could go to dinner and a show as Caden. Thank goodness she told me again, or else I might have not known to pack! So that disaster was averted. So now I get to fret about what to wear, because I am a planner like that. It also does not help that I very much enjoy this cruise line and anything associated with it. So I tend to become very goal oriented when planning for these sorts of trips.

But to me, planning for a trip is part of the fun. Also shopping for the trip, packing for the trip, thinking about the trip, and talking about it as well. So, its a good thing I’m a blogger now. One of the things that has come up during my thinking about the cruise is an interesting detail. I’ll just outright say it; it is a Disney cruise. I’m a huge Disney fanatic, so I really do enjoy the cruises and parks. Miss Girlfriend enjoys the parks, but has never been on a cruise. I hope to convert her on this trip.

The issue that has come up is dinner. You see, on a Disney cruise, you keep your wait staff every time you switch to another restaurant. This is handy because they keep your drink and meal preferences and you do not have to remind them of anything.

So here is the problem; if I go dressed the first night, it creates this expectation of whats to follow the next few nights. The same can be said about showing up all week as my drab self, and then *POOF* suddenly Caden shows up. Whats the wait staff going to make of that. Nobody likes to make a scene, most especially me, and I prefer to blend, because pass is a four letter word to me. So how does one blend in this scenario? Should I just say to hell with it, bust that barrier wide open, expectations be damned and say, “Hi, I’m Caden tonight!”

My instincts say to just be me, and not fret about those details. We have a private table, so we aren’t sharing with a family with kids, the wait staff won’t know me, and it’s my vacation. They are Disney staff, so I can only presume they are well versed on how to handle situations like this. I think I was making a big deal over a small matter. The root of my concern was; I do not wish to do anything that will draw ridicule to Miss Girlfriend. I’ve come to accept that who I am will occasionally draw unwanted attention and ridicule; no matter how I feel about that; no matter how right or wrong it is. But I do not wish to do anything which would cast a bad light on her, hamper an experience for her, or make her regret or resent Caden or my time as Caden.

My initial instinct was to not worry about it, and not mention my concerns. It just didn’t seem like that big a deal at first. But that is not fair to Miss Girlfriend, no matter how big a deal it is or is not. It goes against the important communication understanding we have, I shall not violate that trust she has in me. So I’ve resolved to talk to her about it, I just hope it doesn’t end up killing my opportunity to have a very classy Caden evening on the trip. Oh what a delicate balance.

Ever & Always,
An overly balanced Caden Lane

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