Day Five

Hi ladies! Well day four may have been uneventful, but today showed itself. I was talking with my girlfriend, and I was trying to be funny…and dropped the ball horrendously. I had created a private facebook group for my male account where my riends who know of Cadence can get together and be supportive of me, but also each other, and so we can coordinate various social things I’d like to put together.

This was the photo I had posted.th

So anyhow, I tried to crack a joke about it…but I dropped the ball. I started by saying I had made it the photo for the facebook group, but a message and moment later, I said,

“But it applies to you too!” Yep. Too late. But I kept fumbling.

“Right now it applies to you more!” Yes. I said that.

To which she said,

“Why do you say right now?” Oh gosh.

I then said something about how I looked nothing like Cadence right now, and that the picture always applies to her…and that I was having a weird emotional flighty moment.

She responded that this was one of those things that shewasnt sure how to respond to and that she was sorting out her thoughts and feelings. Apparently, she felt suddenly that she wasnt beautiful, and also that she was now in competition with me as Cadence. Needless to say I spent the next hour digging myself out from under by fumbles, and letting her know that she is completely worthy of being called beautiful, and that I wish she could see herself the way I and my heart do.

She said,

“You are a very good looking and handsome man, and Cadence is attractive and pretty too. I am just not used to feeling competition with a woman I am in a relationship with.”

Despite the back and forth of me trying to demonstrate to her she is in fat beautiful, even more beautiful than me, the last line of that last quote resonated with me. That was the first time he had referred to me as a woman, much less being in a relationship with me as a woman. She has a lot of reservations when it comes to the word transition. She is fearful I will get to that point and it will make her run from me. We are taking baby steps, trying to get her to a point where that may not happen. Even to the point that we are simply shooting for a partial transition, where we are attempting to find balance. This is my choice, because to me, she represents my last chance at a conventional relationship, or happiness.

I am excessively fearful of becoming Cadence, and being alone for the rest of my days, never finding a woman who will Love Me as Cadence. Tracy represents a chance at carrying happiness into this new stretch of my life. I just have to help her get caught up to where I am at. I’ve had a lot of years to come to terms with this; it is my obligation to her to help her get caught up comfortably to where I am at.

I may be called wrong. I may be told that I’m not being true to myself or my true self. But in the end, every transition is different, every trans-woman is different. I may be told that I should not sell out my true self in order to have what I only think is one last chance at happiness and true Love. But to me, she is worth it. Sh, above anyone else is worthy of taking the time to see if there is the slimmest chance that She will learn to Love Me as Cadence. Today may have been a glimmer of hope towards that. Or maybe it was her misspeaking while emotional. I shouldnt read too far into emotional text conversations.

Anyhow, I will certainly have to be mindful of those moments where I feel disconnected or flighty emotionally.

Ever & Always,

Cadence Elizabeth

 

Day Four

Unfortunately, I’ve nothing new to report today. On average just another day. It’d be nice if I had something to report each day; it’d be amazing if the physical changes would move along at break neck speed. But that is simply not realistic. But rest assured ladies, I’ll detail everything I can. 

Keeping the faith,

Ever & Always,

Cadence Elizabeth

Hormones days Two and Three

Well, days two am three  had things pop up. Well Day Two was pretty significant, day three was kind of minor.

On day two I found myself feeling some very positive feelings towards my Girlfriend. I told her in fact that while I had felt like I had always had emotions more akin to what a woman feels, that I now felt like I Love Her More than I did just days before, and what I feel is far more intense than I have ever felt before. So much so that I am thankful I began hormones after I met her, because after feeling like this, I know the heartbreaks I’ve endured before now would feel incredibly deep, maybe crippling, even if the Love or affection I felt at the time didnt meet up to the standard of what I feel for Tracynow. If this is the depth of my Love for Her, then I’m thankful she is the only one to benefit from it. And that’s just day two.

 

Day three

Well, This wasnt so much a big issue. It just revealed to me what my emotions can do to me on a biger scale. It certainly was revealing. My girlfriend and I were talking about an issue which crops up for me from time to time at home; it certainly isnt a major issue, in fact pretty minor in the grand scheme of things. But I became more and more emotional about the issue until I was almost irrational in my level of upset, over a minor issue. Thankfully I did not make an ass of myself; it served as a teaching/learning moment. O am defiantely more aware of what my emotions can do to me, and hopefully that will allow me to be cognizant of the possibility of the future, and reign it in should it happen again. Although often it doesnt seem women make it a point to reign in their “irrational” emotional outbursts. Although theyve never had the opportunity to see thigns from the other persepctive. Maybe my blended perspective will help me maintain a better lvel of control…Uh huh…

 

Ever & Always,

Cadence Elizabeth

Well Ladies… I’m new and Improved!

You heard it here first; yesterday I picked up my Spironolactone and Estrogen! As of today, I’m on them. It’s difficult to say whether this sense of serenity I feel is due a placebo effect of the hormones and blocker. But today I e been at peace, even when I shouldn’t have been. I feel balanced. And it’s an awesome feeling. 

My goal is to try and journal and keep track of things. So….

Hormone Journal

Day One

I have a sense of serenity and peace. 
Ever & Always,

Cadence Elizabeth

The future…is now; Maybe…

Well all, I received the email i was waiting on. My General Practitioner emailed me to tell me she was forwarding my demographic sheet to a local Doctor. I have some misgivings though. She is not a endocrinologist, she is a Functional Medicine specialist, who works in bioidentical hormone replacement. One would hope all medicine would be functional.

So I find myself wondering if it will be a good fit. Its my hope that this is not a dead end, because it will certainly lower my faith in my Doctors level of discernment and her understanding of what I need. So here is to hoping it works out!

Ever & Always,

Cadence

 

 

It’s the giddy little Things…

Okay, so today before I laid down to sleep, I messaged my Doctor using my online medical app which allows me to email my doctors. I was inquiring about her efforts to get my endocrinologist referal. Apparently, she has had issues locating a local endo who is able or willing to manage my care. So she asked me how far away I was willing to travel. I gave her a rough idea of how far I would go, but also asked her how often I’d b expected to go, or if she would be able to mnage my care once they established a profile for me. So far, no answer to my second e-mail, but I did message her well after closing hours. So I’m not expecting to find out anything until close of business tomorrow.

On a great note, when i wrote my initial e-mail i put my name of record, but beneath my name I put (Cadence). Her response to me addressed me as Cadence only. I’ve been referred to as Cadence many times, but I must say, this particular time warmed my heart, and made me feel giddy and happy. I made sure to thank her for that little effort, and let her know how happy it made me. She certainly appears to get it, and that pleases me above all else.

Ever & Always,

Cadence Elizabeth

Quiet Dignity…

So Thursday of this past week I had an appointment with my psychologist. It was my first one since telling her I was ready for hormones. By the way, I’m still waiting to hear from my GO on my endo referral, but she told me two weeks ago when I had my appointment with her that she’d be gone a week. 

I didn’t get to go to this appointment dressed either, but I decided to not block out the feminine mannerisms I display when dress. I allowed myself to cross my legs at the knee, did not mask my hand gestures, assumed a re lined position on the couch and simply allowed myself to exude Cadence confidence. 

My doctor commented within a few minutes the amount of confidence and comfort I was exuding. She also described my demeanor as a quiet dignity. She also mentioned my poise, all of this on display despite being dressed in drab male attire. She was ecstatic that I took her advice and was able to integrate my two aspects. She understood that it was simply me trying to be comfortable, and that integration isn’t a long term solution for me. 

One thing that doing that allowed me to do was to sit on the couch and not have one of her overstuffed pillows in my lap. I noticed long ago that when I talk with her as Cadence, the pillow stays on the couch. When I go in male mode, that pillow goes on my lap before she even enters the room. So it holds true that all of my behaviors and mannerisms were distinctly Cadence that day. 

But I really liked that phrase she used, “quiet dignity. 

Meanwhile, back at the ranch…

Unfortunately Miss Jennifer and I have broken up. I wish her all the best in her future, however I am saddened that her future does not intertwine with mine as Cadence. 

Ever & Always,

Cadence

Using some discernment in information sources…

I recently had a discussion with Miss Jennifer that was a rough one to have. I woke up to work my nightshift, and found a message from her saying she had an emotional roller coaster of a day, and that we needed to talk. I was suddenly panic stricken. If you’ve been kicked in the teeth often enough, there are just certain trigger words that strike fear into you. We need to talk are some of those words for me.

She had started off her day by telling a friend of hers about my transition. She had wanted to start off with baby steps, and she was excited to start telling people who are important to her about my transition. She seems very proud of my choice to transition and include me in her life as I do. She has her fears and trepidation, but who wouldn’t with something as daunting as this. But we have resolved to live our good life, to stand by each other and say, “We’ve got this.”

Her friend was thrilled for her and me. Her friend is a self-identified pansexual, so no surprise there. She was supportive and understanding and a good choice in laying groundwork for a support network for herself. She said she was on cloud nine after her reveal to her friend.

Then she went home and began reading on the internet about transgender relationships and transitions. She was instantly mortified. Within minutes her cloud nine was falling right out of the sky like a lead balloon. One such website was straightspouse.org . I instantly felt like the website had a bias because it was assuming that if you are transgender then you are going to desire your birth gender. That’s a lot to automatically assume, and shows they aren’t too interested in the truth of that matter that gender doesn’t always determine sexual desire. With further research I discovered that the website was essentially for spouses who had discovered that their spouse was gay, bi, or what have you. But as usual, transgender and crossdresser gets lumped up under that title, and it gets misleading.

What it came down to was; I had to reinforce that everyone gets different results; we are our own people, we have our own experiences, we have our own goals. So long as we fight the same fight towards the same goals, then we will get the results we fight for. It’s my job to make sure I validate her as much if not more than she validates me, intimately, physically, emotionally, and intellectually. If I fail her in that, then maybe I am as bad as the transgenders that website tries to stereotype. But that is certainly not what I want for us. I want us on the same page, fighting for the same things, on the same team.

What we are undertaking is hard enough as it is, websites and forums that portray a very negative end to this doesn’t help. So I began pondering what sources would be realistic, but fair. Which ones were informative, and didn’t muddy the waters too much, or inject information that wasn’t relevant to our situation.

I’ve read my fair share of crossdressing and transgender book over the years trying to simply learn about myself. So I dredged up old reading lists. Below is a grouping of books which in my mind take a fair look at crossdressing and gender issues from a female/ wives perspective. These books do not tend to address bisexual, or gay desires in crossdressers or transgender persons. They are about heterosexual persons who have gender issues.

  • My Husband Wears My Clothes: Crossdressing from the Perspective of a Wife – Peggy Rudd
  • She’s Not the Man I Married: My Life with a Transgender Husband – Helen Boyd
  • Crossdressers and Those Who Share Their Lives – Peggy Rudd
  • Crossdressing With Dignity: The Case for Transcending Gender Lines – Peggy Rudd
  • Normal: Transsexual CEO’s, Cross-Dressing Cops, Hermaphrodites with Attitude, and More – Amy Bloom
  • My Husband Betty: Love, Sex, and Life with a Crossdresser – Helen Boyd

 

As I said, the above books tend to approach the issue from a heterosexual male to female perspective. The books also come at the situation from the perspective of heterosexual wives.

If you are a heterosexual Transgender person, I would suggest you steer your significant other away from Alice In Genderland by Richard Novic M.D. This book was written by a doctor, who studied to be a psychiatrist for a time. However he loses perspective on his crossdressing and his sexual desires, intermingling the two, resulting in a book that is more about his paraphilia and his next conquest than a book about crossdressing.

Not all information is vetted or safe. Not all information is put out there with the purest of intentions or lacks an agenda. When I first told Miss Jennifer about Crossdressers.com and mentioned the wives section, I was quick to admit there was a good deal of negativity and griping there. But it never occurred to me that there would be other sources she would stumble upon that would confuse things or upset her.

This is not about filtering what our Loved Ones read or have access to. This is about supplying them with fair information that while not necessarily sunshine and roses and completely positive, will certainly offset the muddying of the waters of the negative information that is out there.

At most, we should all use discernment in the sources of our information and support. Support, by its very nature, should never be negative. Support should lift you or your Loved One up, and help you stay your course, not deter you from it. Just some thoughts, I hope they help.

Ever & Always,

Cadence

 

Coming at it from a happy Place

Like so many other blog topics of late, this blog article comes from a conversation I had with Miss Jennifer. She does not realize it, but the intellectual stimulation I get from our conversations is so very important to me.

So we were talking about my transition and I realized as we talked that because of Miss Jennifer, I am able to come at my transition from a happy place. Or rather, my mindset is more positive. Whether she was in my life or not, I was eventually going to transition, of this there is no doubt now. I was on my way to the conclusion regardless. What would be different would be my approach, my mindset, and my overall emotional state.

Were I to transition on my own, I would admittedly be far more depressed and solitary. I would be hoping to find someone that would fall for me s Cadence, and I would be solely focused on my transition.

As it is, with Miss Jennifer in my life, I am able to approach all of this with a very positive mindset. I can be happy with each little effort, and truly enjoy it by sharing the experience with someone who cherishes these small joys with me and for me. She is just as thrilled with each little triumph.  My triumphs and victories are shared triumphs and victories. Id much rather approach my transition from a happy and positive place, than do it alone. And I try to let Miss Jennifer know how much I appreciate her presence and Love in my life. And she does an amazing job letting me know ho much she treasures and Loves me in return.

Ever & Always,

Cadence

Fathers Day…

With all of my recent successes, I suppose I was due a day of melancholy. Fathers Day. It snuck up on me like a ninja in the darkness of a moonless night. It uttered not a sound, it made not a single misstep. Until I looked at my google calendar and there it was. I’ve been working nightshift for quite a while now; so my days and weeks seemingly blur together at times. So I suppose that is how I let it sneak up on me, unless there was a subconscious sense of dread. My vote is for the subconscious sense of dread. And now I sit here before laying down for the day feeling melancholy, feeling disillusioned, and wondering what the answer to all of this is?

With me now moving towards transition, it raises rather uncomfortable questions; what if anything will my children call me? How will Miss Jennifers children eventually refer to me? I know that biologically I sired my children, of that there will never be any doubt. But more and more I do not connect with the gendercentric term of father. I dare not say I feel motherly; I suppose I reserve that term for a mother who actually gave birth to a child. I cannot lay claim or usurp that title simply on a whim or change of my gender preference. I wouldnt pretend to anyhow.

But this disillusionment I now have with Fathers Day leaves me wondering whats next, what will I be? Can’t we just have a parents day? Will my children look at all future fathers dayd wistfully, will they be just as melancholy as I am now, will they resent me and my efforts to live happily? Will I somehow taint fathers day in their eyes, and take away their enjoyment when they too are fathers?

I’ve no answers in this. It is something I’ve wrestled with all night really, and still nothing appears to lead me any closer to what the answer or answers may be. Unless… unless we fall back to the old standby of; life is what you make of it. I could sit here and feel melancholy about an artificial holiday, or a gendercentric title, or I can take refuge in the fact I truly Love and look out for my children, that I have done the best I could parenting them, making parental choices, protecting them, and trying to teach them to be men of strong character. I have sacrificed for them. I’ve remained at jobs I had no love or joy for. I have sacrificed financially. And most of all, I have remained a gender I could not stand to live as much longer to insure their life was as smooth as possible.

I know what I’ve done, I know what I’ve felt, I know what I’ve sacrificed and given up, to have the title of parent. I’ve bled my own blood, and had theirs on me. At the end of my life, I was a parent first and foremost.

 

Ever & Always,

Cadence