Merry Christmas to All…

A very Merry Christmas to You and Yours. My GF and I celebrated Christmas the other night when I was off, and I celebrated Christmas with my children and parents yesterday before I laid down to sleep so I could work last nights shift. If you are hoping for my usual cheery positive brand of post, this may not be it. I’m fresh out of positive spin. So reader beware. 

I may have gone overboard on my GF’s presents; secretly I keep hoping that she will value me so much she won’t want to lose me, even if I do transition into living as Cadence full time. I’m beginning to feel like I’m setting myself up for failure though. Her presents for me were thoughtful and inspired; for my male aspect she got me a long sleeve tee shirt, but rather than other colors, she chose pink graphics and text, on a gray shirt. Even though it was a gift for my male aspect, she still tried to appease me. My Cadence gift blew my mind though; silver earrings with my birth stone and her birth stone set into them. For my birthday in three days she ordered a solitaire of my birthstone set into a matching pendant. I was drawn to tears when I saw it.

She’s trying so hard, but she is so very torn, and still speaking in absolutes. I’m beginning to think that my hopes of her ever Loving and accepting me fully as Cadence are all for naught. I don’t think she can do it, and I’m beginning to feel it’s not fair of me to ask her to. As much as I Love her, I’m asking her to change who she is and what she wants. She is being selfish by wanting me to stay the way I am, I’m being selfish by hoping she will change or concede. My heart continues to break. 

My family did not put as much thought into my gifts as I did theirs, I could see it on their faces as they opened them, and their hesitance to present me with mine. I already feel like the rainbow sheep of the family, and they don’t even know yet. 

I’ve seen posts on my Cadence Facebook page of various Trans friends lamenting being Trans/ Queer during Christmas… I’ve seen positive stories of family using new first names for the first time on gifts, and I’ve read horror stories of people left out of family plans. 

I’m sure it’s my mood concerning my beautiful GF, my families lack of thought, my coming birthday and the magic of Christmas being done and gone.  But I’m feeling like I have to look up to see bottom. 

My former Supervisor, the moron Barbie that outed me… the other day she bitterly wrote me a series of text messages where she accused me of fabricating my story about her outing me, and how Karma is real and it’ll come back full circle and get me, and how she misjudged me thinking I’m a sincere, genuine and true person. Barbie,  If you’re reading this, there’s a recording of your ass doing it, a minimum of eight written statements detailing it and that’s NOT counting the conversation you had with you know who about how I was a good fit for the Sexual Assault Investigator, because of my obvious feminine traits. Deny and spin all you like, it doesn’t change the truth, and your character has been laid bare for all to see. It’s unfortunate the University dragged it’s feet in disciplining you for it; you managed to hang onto your numbers. The result is you feel vindicated, which is also unfortunate. But there is a large group of people who know the truth about who you are, what you do and how two-faces you really are. I take solace in that. And if you have any other communications for me, make them through my attorney, you’ll know his name. 

And now that that’s out of my system,I too am a little bitter. Because I agreed to work an additional four hours today for a Lieutenant who wanted to spend first Christmas with her newborn. On its face a very noble thing; For one of two possible people who probably told my former supervisor what I was saying about her and what I thought of her. I’m too goddamn nice. That’s my problem. Maybe that’s one thing I need to change going into the new year. 

Sorry for rambling. I’m emotional, hormones are in a tizzy, and I’m mentally and physically exhausted. Sorry if I have offended or anything. I’m certainly not feeling like myself. But I’ve had a lot on my heart and mind of late, and it’s all catching up with me. I pray your Christmas has been wonderful and that your New Year is amazing and awe inspiring in its entirety. 

Ever & Always,



5 thoughts on “Merry Christmas to All…

  1. Sorry to read that your Christmas Day will not be as perfect as you would have hoped it would be. My own Christmas will be away from my family; we don’t live in the same areas and we can’t be in the same spot today (though we’ve agreed to celebrate together next weekend). Here’s a sincere hope that those you love and respect (or at the very least work with) will surely if slowly begin to accept you for the woman you will become and the wonderful human being you always have been. Merry Christmas to you, Cadence. 🙂

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Wow Girl! You got lots going on for a Christmas season. I cannot imagine having the issues you have. THey call it the silly season for a reason i guess. Sorry to hear that person at work is such a looney. Hopefully your GF will stay and love you more and more. That will be good for you. I hope that you have a better week this week and keep your head up, as hard as that is at times.

    Liked by 1 person

    • I’m trying to keep my head up. The way I look at it, it’s all I CAN do. I’ve been down those dark paths before, and there isn’t much substance or life there for a transwoman.

      Fortunately the loon isn’t under our employ anymore. She resolved that issue on her own, unfortunately they mishandled her termination and she can still be a cop elsewhere since she still has her numbers. But I’m not done with her yet though.

      I’m hoping my girlfriend will figure things out. But I’m losing faith that will happen. But it’s up to her to figure it out, or break it off. I’m just tired of the constant state of heartbreak I feel like I’m going through. If she doesn’t stay she doesn’t stay. I was alone when I met her and I’d resolved to stay that way until after I had transitioned; although in reality, after transition nobody is going to want me.

      My GF seems to think that for me transition is some magic bullet that lead to my ultimate happiness, which somehow makes her presence in my life less important. She fails to realize that living as Cadence will help me feel whole and complete; however I will not feel fulfilled. The way I look at it, if I transition I’ll be alone. That’s not happiness.

      Liked by 1 person

  3. transitioning is sort of a magic bullet to yourself, yes. BUt it has to be because you decided to be happy. Your GF Will understand if she really cares. I know much of this as I have lot 2 wives and nearly my current wife of 13 years due to my own repression of my feminine self. IT sucks to hide and live for everyone else. That resolvedness has to be yours and yours alone. my wife decided twice to leave, I finally decided that my own happiness was mine and not becauase of anyone but because of myself. Once I resloved to be happy regardless the outcome, she decieded to stay. Because one, I wasnt fighting and angry, two, I was genuinly happy. If had I done this 30 years ago i could have possibly spared myself alot of pain and agony. The decision is your and your alone, to be or not to be happy. Once you are genuinly happy with yourself, and because of others, then others will want to be around you. IT is nt that bad and you wont be alone. There are plenty of us trans folks dealing with the same stuff, and I can assure you we didnt ask to be this way. Hiding was our choice, making us angry at life and the world and mostly with ourselves and our jealously. My transition is sort of a Magic bullet for me. I am truely happy for once. My daughter has seen it, along with my second ex and my current wife. Things are greatly better since I am happy. Happiness isnt because of her its with her now. Sorry this has gotten rather deep and if you want we can chat in other venues of communication. Sometimes we just need an ear and sometimes it comes at the oddest of times. Let me know if you want do that. LOVE YA GIRL Candice.

    Liked by 1 person

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