A very Merry Christmas to You and Yours. My GF and I celebrated Christmas the other night when I was off, and I celebrated Christmas with my children and parents yesterday before I laid down to sleep so I could work last nights shift. If you are hoping for my usual cheery positive brand of post, this may not be it. I’m fresh out of positive spin. So reader beware.
I may have gone overboard on my GF’s presents; secretly I keep hoping that she will value me so much she won’t want to lose me, even if I do transition into living as Cadence full time. I’m beginning to feel like I’m setting myself up for failure though. Her presents for me were thoughtful and inspired; for my male aspect she got me a long sleeve tee shirt, but rather than other colors, she chose pink graphics and text, on a gray shirt. Even though it was a gift for my male aspect, she still tried to appease me. My Cadence gift blew my mind though; silver earrings with my birth stone and her birth stone set into them. For my birthday in three days she ordered a solitaire of my birthstone set into a matching pendant. I was drawn to tears when I saw it.
She’s trying so hard, but she is so very torn, and still speaking in absolutes. I’m beginning to think that my hopes of her ever Loving and accepting me fully as Cadence are all for naught. I don’t think she can do it, and I’m beginning to feel it’s not fair of me to ask her to. As much as I Love her, I’m asking her to change who she is and what she wants. She is being selfish by wanting me to stay the way I am, I’m being selfish by hoping she will change or concede. My heart continues to break.
My family did not put as much thought into my gifts as I did theirs, I could see it on their faces as they opened them, and their hesitance to present me with mine. I already feel like the rainbow sheep of the family, and they don’t even know yet.
I’ve seen posts on my Cadence Facebook page of various Trans friends lamenting being Trans/ Queer during Christmas… I’ve seen positive stories of family using new first names for the first time on gifts, and I’ve read horror stories of people left out of family plans.
I’m sure it’s my mood concerning my beautiful GF, my families lack of thought, my coming birthday and the magic of Christmas being done and gone. But I’m feeling like I have to look up to see bottom.
My former Supervisor, the moron Barbie that outed me… the other day she bitterly wrote me a series of text messages where she accused me of fabricating my story about her outing me, and how Karma is real and it’ll come back full circle and get me, and how she misjudged me thinking I’m a sincere, genuine and true person. Barbie, If you’re reading this, there’s a recording of your ass doing it, a minimum of eight written statements detailing it and that’s NOT counting the conversation you had with you know who about how I was a good fit for the Sexual Assault Investigator, because of my obvious feminine traits. Deny and spin all you like, it doesn’t change the truth, and your character has been laid bare for all to see. It’s unfortunate the University dragged it’s feet in disciplining you for it; you managed to hang onto your numbers. The result is you feel vindicated, which is also unfortunate. But there is a large group of people who know the truth about who you are, what you do and how two-faces you really are. I take solace in that. And if you have any other communications for me, make them through my attorney, you’ll know his name.
And now that that’s out of my system,I too am a little bitter. Because I agreed to work an additional four hours today for a Lieutenant who wanted to spend first Christmas with her newborn. On its face a very noble thing; For one of two possible people who probably told my former supervisor what I was saying about her and what I thought of her. I’m too goddamn nice. That’s my problem. Maybe that’s one thing I need to change going into the new year.
Sorry for rambling. I’m emotional, hormones are in a tizzy, and I’m mentally and physically exhausted. Sorry if I have offended or anything. I’m certainly not feeling like myself. But I’ve had a lot on my heart and mind of late, and it’s all catching up with me. I pray your Christmas has been wonderful and that your New Year is amazing and awe inspiring in its entirety.
Ever & Always,