Hi there, and welcome to my Blog. I’m a 40 year old crossdresser from coastal Georgia. I’ve been crossdressing since I was about two years old. I decided to start writing a Blog in order to exercise my writing chops, while at the same time sharing an aspect of my life that I do not often get to share. Maybe along the way, I’ll get to help somebody, or help someone understand something they do not yet understand. I welcome all questions, all advice, and any dialog, so long as it’s civil.
So without further ado, I’ll simply jump into this first article. I apologize for this ham-fisted segue.
I recently encountered a new sister on-line who has been full of questions. In my time on-line, I’ve encountered a lot of sisters who needed advice of one form or another. Over the years I often found myself wishing I was writing down the advice I’ve offered, so that I could proffer it in a medium akin to this. Hindsight, your diagnosis is 20/20 vision, congratulations.
The sister was obviously taken with how comfortable I am when dressed out in public, and the brazenness with which I attempt to meld into day to day life. She was in awe of my chutzpah and panache. I could only chuckle at that. A mere year ago, I was huddle in my bedroom, wearing lingerie, wishing I could only go out and savor life as Caden. The difference was, I now have a girlfriend who supports, and tries to understand my need and desire to dress and present as Caden. Up until her, my feminine aspect was completely suppressed and oppressed due to my two prior spouses, as well as my upbringing.
So, back to the sister. After our initial exchange of emails, it was immediately apparent she was super exuberant. She had given me her cell phone number within just a few messages. I politely advised her that for safety reasons I only exchange phone information with very close crossdressing friends. Talking to someone via text or phone is allowing somebody very close into ones ‘inner circle’ or last line of defense against anyone who might have ill intent. Or someone who just my not take a hint. I’ve had several of both make their way in, and getting them out is very trying. So why tempt fate.
She was understanding, and expressed that she was relatively new to crossdressing. She then jumped right into her questions. She wanted to know what circumstances made me feel or understand that crossdressing was me/for me. She went on to explain that she has been married XX years, has two children whom are almost adults, and the thought of them knowing that their father is cross-dressing would, from her perspective, push them away from her. However, she feels they need to know their real dad and the fact that she is what she is.
Of course my alarm bells are going off at this point. My strategy here is clear; this sister is in the pink fog, badly, over exuberant to a fault due to the fog, and could very well set herself up for self-destruction. This is my advice to her verbatim:
Well, it is a little bit easier to render advice if one knows how long you have been dressing, or wanted to dress, as well as what you see your end goal being. You say you are seeking identity and acceptance. I would suggest, and you may not like this bit of advice, but if you are seeking acceptance and understanding, a random craigslist sexual adventure such as you’ve said you have looked for, is not necessarily the place to look. Friendship will be your greatest way to seek and find acceptance.
To get acceptance and understanding that may not come from your family, I would suggest going where other like yourself gather. There are places like crossdressers.com
where other crossdressers gather and talk, ask questions, suggest ideas and generally offer support. I have personally tried to start a Sorority for local CD’s and TG’s, but it has been slow starting. But no matter where you go, try to find a group that primarily focuses on information and support. There are plethoras of groups out there with a sexual slant. But sex is not support. Far too often newer CD’s fall into that emotional trap. But they are only setting themselves up for failure. It’s best to grow your identity, let it form, and when you feel you are ready, allow your new identity to grow sexually; just like puberty. I think that may be why so many CD’s never see themselves as more than fetish crossdressers. Because they never allowed themselves to accept their version of the female gender before they rushed into sexual adventure-land. But thats merely my opinion. But what we choose to do on anything can hamper us if we are not careful. Even crossdressers have to mature in their growth as a CD. If you look at some CD’s who are not fetish-dressers, you will find they tend to dress sexy and free when they are younger, and they show growth and maturity after a while. I think of it as a crossdressing puberty.
You mentioned your children; I ask you, how often do we rush into something early on, without thinking it out clearly, and how often do those sort of scenarios work out well? Also, how can you tell them who their dad really is, when you are not entirely certain yourself?! Before you rush into telling your spouse or children, take some time to figure out what it is you are seeking and want from this. Is it a life long commitment, do you see yourself fully or partially transitioning and living as a woman? Is it merely a part time thing? What can you theoretically loose by telling them? Please do not take me wrong here; I’m an advocate for telling your spouse…at SOME point. But first you have to be able to define it, figure out who you are, and answer her questions succinctly. And there WILL be questions.
But my psychologist has told me to think of Caden as private matter, not a secret. The differences being that often a secret has negative connotations. Whereas we tell only those worthy of knowing about a private matter. Which leads me into my next suggestion. Seek out a therapist to help you come to terms with this new aspect of yourself. If you are not ready to tell your spouse about your dressing, then simply tell her you are seeking out a therapist to help with stress, or growing older, or loosing your dog Skippy in the fourth grade that you just never quite got over. LoL. But a therapist or psychologist will certainly help you determine the timing of telling loved ones, when its appropriate. They may also help you in how to tell them. because far too often, how we tell somebody sets the tone for how they may respond.
Even if you do not post at crossdressers.com
, I would suggest lurking there. Because there are all sorts of positive and negative stories about coming out to wives or family. There are positive and negative stories about going out dressed. And I feel that in order to make any sort of decision about anything, it should be done with as many facts and details as possible. Nothing gives you peace of mind like knowing you at least made an educated decision.
As for me; crossdressing has always been a part of me. I started at two, when I would run around the house in my moms nighties while riding my wooden horse. It did not fully resume until about 2nd grade, but before then I was known to sit with little girls and female cousins and play Barbie and think nothing of it. And back then I do recall wishing i could wear the cute things they got to wear all the time.
Later on I started getting female clothing wherever I could, usually panties, usually by theft. I’ve left two failed marriages in my wake, both spouses knew about my desire to crossdress. Their reactions were why they never knew of Caden or that this was how far I wanted to take it. I was never comfortable enough with them to let them know I wanted to go out in public dressed up. They were not accepting or understanding enough to even broach the subject. My second wife faked like she was. But she eventually forced me to purge my clothing at one point. When we separated, she even threatened to tell family and friends about it, and may very well have. To this day, I’m not sure if she did or didn’t, but its not like I’m going to go around asking anyone if my ex-wife told them I crossdress.
My present Girlfriend has known pretty much from early on, like both of my former spouses. But she is far more understanding and accepting. She still has her hangups with it, but two of my Birthday gifts from her were Ulta makeup kits, and I’ve received panties and clothing from her before. She has done my makeup, helped with my makeup, helped me select outfits, gone out with me dressed, and even gone to dinner with myself and a Sorority sister. Her greatest gift to me was my first outing ever as Caden.
We had gone to Disney for two days because we are both Disney nuts. She suggested before we left that I take what I needed in order to dress as Caden. Her idea was that on the way back from Disney, I’d be dressed as Caden, we’d go shopping, and have lunch and dinner with me dressed. We even resolved to have a Disney trip where I spend the whole or part of the trip as Caden. It was an amazing adventure, and allowed me a great amount of latitude to experiment, and feel complete.
But my complete is not necessarily your complete. Your results are going to vary. So please keep that in mind, and do not allow yourself to get wrapped up in what is called the Pink Fog. The Pink Fog, is something we get in when we are euphoric about our dressing. We feel good, we are excited, we want to invest in it emotionally. This takes place after we find some form of acceptance or understanding, or we make a big purchase or make gains in passing. So when you go to a crossdressing group or website, be wary of just how far you push your own boundaries out of the excitement of finding others like yourself. Our own exuberance can sabotage our day to day life if we are not careful.
I hope I did not hit you with too much at once, or get too preachy. But All my mistakes were hard earned. And if there is any way I can help another avoid my mistakes, I would gladly do so.
I hope my advice was good enough. I hope she sees the value in it, and I hope she is willing to heed it. If not, she is headed for disaster. Again, I welcome all questions, all advice, and all civil dialog. Please feel free to join in and be a part of this blog. I will certainly link to any blog that links to me,especially if we write about similar topics. Thanks and have a great evening!
Ever & Always,