Firstly; a matter of blog Housekeeping
Let me start off by apologizing for my absence. As a blogger its tough enough getting an audience to read what you write, to look forward to your posts, to respond thoughtfully and regularly. That’s why whenever one of my hiatus’s come about, I always feel so terrible for having left my readers in a clutch. I suppose trans-people and cross-dressers can understand the concept of a purge; most of us have done it at one point or another. These hiatus’s are not so much a purge in the literal sense as they are a purge in the intellectual sense. Sometimes the desire or need to blog simply isn’t there; creative juices are absent, fresh material is absent…any number of reasons can exist within the mind of a writer or blogger.
In this most recent case of absentia, I was still healing from my breakup with Miss Girlfriend. And unfortunately, my blog was one place which reminded me of her. Then, during my absence, Mrs. Ex-wife found my blog, and was unhappy that I was talking about us and her on here. Eventually we began to talk rather than yell; something which had not happened in a quite a long time I should add. I think she began to see that talking here had a huge therapeutic effect on me, that this blog has helped others through their issues, and that it’s helped me find me. To give you an idea of how far she came and has come, she complimented my pictures on here, and even complimented my hairstyle in a particular picture. To give her full credit, that is a huge distance for her to cross; a gulf of unimaginable distance. She even offered support; in the sense that she assured my my family would be far more supportive than I think they will be. I hope she has a better understanding of them than I. So with all those things said; I feel I should tell her that I Love her for all those things and for bridging that distance and gap. She didn’t have to be open to talking about things, she didn’t have to want to get past the animosity and anger, but she did. I am grateful for that, and thankful to know she is out there, and in her own way is supportive of what’s to come.
Secondly; more Housekeeping
You might also notice that my pictures are absent from the webpage. Due to some unforeseen issues at work which might lead to my early outing, I was forced to take the images down. I wish I could go into detail, but to do so might also expose me early. As soon as is practicable, I will certainly post more images of me through my transition, simply for the sake of documentation. But also, what lady doesn’t like to be looked at and appreciated. I just ask that all men kindly avert their eyes; my photos are not for male appreciation… (as if that would work , right?!). But I’d say most of my readers don’t come here for the pictures; if they did, I’m not so sure I’d want them as readers. Picture people are far too close to fetishy for me, and that generally makes me uncomfortable. I’m not a fetish, I’m a person. I don’t mean to preach, really; but you ladies and gentlemen should have figured out by this point that dignity is a huge thing to me. It ranks right up there with sincerity and being authentic.
Thirdly; getting you lot caught up
Back in March, I met a woman whom I began dating, we will call her Jennifer. As was my new custom, I made sure she was aware of Cadence’s role in my life. Or as much as I could at the time. She was intrigued I think. She stuck around and didn’t go screaming off into the night. She assumed nothing, let me talk and asked all the right questions. It was very difficult to admit to her initially that I was desiring to seek transition. Hell, to ask me; I wasn’t entirely certain. Some days it depended on how I felt and which frustrations had mounted against me. Other days it simply depended on the day of the week, or how emotional I was. I wasn’t entirely clear myself, I knew the direction I was leaning, but one good emotional storm, and I could easily flip-flop. But it eventually came out. Despite all of these things, she has invested in me. She is still a little concerned about her family and how they may react. She worries about her children, her parents and siblings. She is right to worry; I too worry about them. I worry that at some point the burden of Cadence may become too much for her to stand. I worry that the threat of her family finding out will outweigh her feelings for me. I worry because she has voiced as much.
Yet despite voicing those concerns, she remains by my side, seeking out my Love and affection, seeking out my presence, yearning to hold my hand. She has voiced that she is worried I will no longer open doors, hold hands or pull chairs for her or her daughters when I transition. But such things shouldn’t be attached to gender rules. They should be a sign of respect and Love. So to that end, I have made the concession that there won’t be a difference in the things I do for them now, versus the things I will do when Cadence emerges more and more. I always maintain I am the same person regardless of how I present, and these subtle nuances of who I am and what I do are a part of that I may not have previously considered. So to that end, I’ll endeavor to make sure she feels no loss of those things as time progresses. In fact, I only hope to multiply the things she experiences by my side, as we become more serious and I delve deeper into who I am, and who I can ultimately be. She already means so very much to me, and I cherish her presence in my life, and I only hope to help Cadence represent a positive in her life and Love, and her family’s life. It will be a struggle at times, but I hope to make the best out of our situation. I’m not a rose garden, save for a few thorns. But If my life can represent a teaching moment for people, if people can see my experience, my life, and learn something from me or it, then I’ve done something great in my mind. If I can change minds or hearts, if I can show people there isn’t just one way of being or experiencing life, then I’ve accomplished something.
That said; through my research, I’ve found that within my profession, here in my state, I will be the first to openly transition. Unless somebody does it before I do. Which will invariably add certain stressors and factors into my transition. Especially given where I work and their potential to brag about their newest promotional tool, I mean female officer. It’s a very liberal organization; which I hope will make transition easier. But we never really know for certain, do we? Because ultimately, the one factor we bump our heads against, is the human factor. There is simply no accounting or preparing for all aspects of the human condition and factor.
As I began writing this blog article, I was sitting in my Psychologist’s parking lot June 7th, 2016, waiting on my 9:30 appointment. My intention was very clear; I had come to the conclusion I needed to reach. You will note I did not say decision. It never was a decision. Who I am was decided a long time ago. Because no one really knows what makes us how we are, or why we even are. I do not tend to see myself as an aberration. Maybe God made me this way for whatever reason he had, so that the sum of my life experience would be different than others. Maybe my purpose in life was to reach people in a different way, from a different place. Maybe my existence is meant to soften somebody’s heart.
I grew up in a religious household. I’m not overly religious myself, but I have a bare bones belief system because of that. My parents were often heard to say, “God doesn’t make mistakes.” This may very well be true. I do not see myself as a mistake. I see myself as a duality. A person blessed enough to experience both sides of gender, and the phase in-between. My existence is not an insult to God, to believers, non-believers, or people in general. Or rather, it shouldn’t be. But people will take it as they will take it.
Anyhow, back on track to my appointment. I was there for my usual visit, but I had an agenda yesterday. My agenda was to tell my Psychologist that I’d come to the conclusion I was ready for hormones and to begin my transition. I said conclusion to her, and I was very specific with her so she understood that this wasn’t about me deciding I was ready, it was me concluding that I was ready. That things had been set in motion long ago, and that I had very little to do with it actually.
When I said it, her face lit up, and she beamed at me. She was thrilled. We both began to gush about procedures and plans, and what to do and what not to do, and as I rattled on about all the various preparations and research I’ve taken in the background, she smiled all that much more. That made me realize she was proud of me, and she was also relieved I was taking so many things into consideration, several things she had not even considered as potential roadblocks or setbacks. Through it all, she has constantly reminded me we live in a part of the country where such endeavors are not looked upon kindly. She is fearful for me; of what may come. I appreciate that concern of hers, it is mirrored within me. But I’m also a pretty tough chick, from a pretty tough background. One of her several concerns was that hormones would weaken me. I think she quickly saw she was almost being sexist in her thought pattern, and she quickly readjusted; she began to note how many women are in my profession and capable. I also reminded her that hormones would weaken me yes, but I am also above average in male strength, so I anticipate I’ll still be above average in female strength, and possibly male strength as well.
Another concern was that I may lose my wig in a combat situation. I did acknowledge that such a thing would be traumatizing to me, but there is also an advantage to be gained when someone pulls your hair and it comes off. Shock and surprise are a valid combat tactic. So she saw I was mentally prepared for such a faux pas.
Overall, it was an amazing visit, with an amazing Doctor, and I am now on my journey. Slow though it may be at times, things are slowly setting in motion. So unless anyone has a better recommendation, June 7th, 2016 is in my mind, my new birthday.
Ever & Always,