So today was another monumental day in my life. Which feels weird to say since so very little actually happened. It is more of an intellectually monumental day in my life. You see today was the day that I spoke to my General Practitioner about my need for hormones.
Leading up to it, Miss Jennifer and I were talking a good portion of the day. God bless Jennifer for her patience in dealing with me. I know sometimes it feels like we talk about these details to no end. I’m sure we talk about far more, but I always worry about inundating her with information or conversation; it’s damaged relationships before when I’ve unwittingly spoke of it too often. Although in retrospect sometimes they simply weren’t comfortable with the topic, and the fact I was discussing it could have been the root problem.
But I verbalized some things which I may not have spoken of previously, but I also came to some conclusions I know I had not verbalized previously. I said to Miss Jennifer that I was nervous and scared; that I was certain my Doctor would not prescribe today, but I knew I had hoops to jump through. Miss Jennifer said that I was moving ahead, and that I’m obviously motivated to get this started so it will happen soon. Which she is right. Since I concluded what I needed to do, the amount of forward movement has been mind-blowing to me. I’ve certainly not been dragging my feet; I wish I could show this much forward progression on most things in my life. And this is without my Adderall! I can only imagine how this would be going if I was dosed properly with that!
I also verbalized what it would cost me. Initially she misunderstood me thinking I meant financially, as she said no matter the cost we would figure it out and do it. A gracious thing to say, and very much appreciated. But I had to tell her I was worried about the personal costs. She responded that I’ve knowingly thought long and hard about what is to possibly come; that despite the potential losses, I’m still resolute in my goals, even with the thought of losing some that are important to me. And if the thought of sustaining those losses still doesn’t change my mind, nothing will. She followed that up with a phrase that means a lot between the two of us, “You’ve got this.” She was also apologetic for not having the right things to say. I could only smile broadly at that. She had unknowingly said all of the right things at the right time, and felt she had not.
I reassured her she had spoken correctly and had eased my thoughts and worries. But I worried of seeming selfish or uncaring at losing friends or family I treasure for the sake of being who I am. I verbalized to her that while it may not change my mind when I take into account losing friends or family, it most certainly does not mean it does not hurt me or that I like the idea; that deep down I wish there was a better way.
She responded succinctly with, “If they Love You, they will learn to accept and Love you as Cadence; even if its eventually.”
Then the thoughts which had been rattling around in my head began to foment into words in my texts to her. Suddenly I felt as though all the experiences I’ve gathered and felt as Cadence were fomenting into a philosophy of sorts. A range of ideas that existed because I existed. Concepts and thoughts which would have seemed alien to me before I contemplated transition, suddenly made sense, and emanated from me.
I told her my intention was that I would not be the one burning bridges, that if someone else chooses to, that’s on them. And I refuse to allow that to keep me from trying to build new bridges with them, if they will allow me. You see, up until this point, I’ve never been very big on forgiving or forgetting. To wound me was to draw my ire, until metaphorically, you could prove yourself worthy of my trust again. Yet even then I’d look on you with some measure of distrust, waiting for you to try and kick me in the teeth again.
As I wrote these things, I realized, I’ve crossed a crossroads in my life. This is a new point in my life, I have a new angle, a new perspective, hell, I’m almost a new me. And as I sit here day in day out trying to figure out ways of telling friends and family about who I am, I’ve come to the conclusion that I will be telling people something about me they do not know, something they will invariably have problems understanding or in some cases coming to terms with. Some may feel mislead, some may feel lied to, some may feel mistreated they were not told sooner. Some may have their own prejudices or misgivings. I’ve realized the only thing I can do is come at them from a place of Love, forgiveness and understanding.
Love because I obviously Love them, they are in my life, they are important to me and my life. I need to show them that this does not change my Love of affection for them; in fact it frees me to demonstrate that Love or affection in ways I may never felt free to before.
Forgiveness because not everyone will understand. Some may say or do something foolish, silly or insulting, even while not meaning to. Some may immediately understand. Some may refuse to understand. Some may demonstrate a bias against me. All I can do is demonstrate my Love for them, demonstrate that Love has the moral high ground; not that my Love is better than them or theirs, but that I truly Love them no matter what. I should demonstrate to them that I still Love them and forgive them, and that my door is always open to them, any broken or burnt bridges are still available to them should they ever change their mind.
I should also demonstrate understanding. What I am telling them can no way be construed as easy. Hell, living it hasn’t been easy, why should any part of it seem easy right? Why should it be easy to tell somebody that what they thought about me their entire life was a little skewed and off? Why should it be easy to tell them I’ve felt like I was living a lie? Or that their first born son is actually the daughter they always wished they had been fortunate to have? I cannot ask for understanding if I am not willing to demonstrate it in return. I must be humble in how I approach them, not demanding, not angry, not expecting their bias or misunderstanding. I need to be Loving as I tell them what I know is difficult. I must demonstrate that I know its not easy to hear, that it has not been easy to feel from my perspective, that it has only clouded and muddied my life, made things difficult nay impossible for me at times.
I’m hoping that I can show friends and family that we are all the sum of our own existence; my existence is just different than theirs. My mileage differs a bit as the saying goes. The exchanges between myself and my ex-wife since we began talking and forgave have shown me what forgiveness can do for the soul. All of that anger or hate melted away, and something beautiful and wonderful took its place. I feel freer, I feel better. That muddiness over those past memories and feelings is gone, replaced by kinder, gentler feelings. I am able to think of things I once avoided, or have a conversation with someone I never thought myself capable of talking to again. If I can do these things, and feel the way I do, how can forgiveness be such a terrible thing?
While Talking with Miss Jennifer, I was cognizant of the fact she has reasons to hate and be angry at certain folks. People are entitled to feel the way they feel. If I’ve wronged someone, I am in no position to demand they feel otherwise. On the opposite end of that spectrum however, there are people we should forgive that may never fully appreciate that they wronged us, they will never fully appreciate that we forgave them. They will never see what caused the breech between you and them. But if we carry around that hate or anger, it only wounds us. It only drags us into that pit of hate or anger. The wrong done doesn’t fully register to them. They either refuse to care or are too ignorant of the wake of destruction they’ve left they won’t know of it. Some people pride themselves on being a bitch or an asshole, they enjoy the fact they leave a wake of destruction in their path. You cannot reach people like that if they enjoy that broken aspect of who they are. But by forgiving them, and moving on, we take that enjoyment and power away from them when we forgive them of the wrongs done against us.
And even if they simply don’t know they wronged us, or don’t care if they did or didn’t, it only heals our soul to forgive them and move on, not carrying that with us to gnaw at us and fester under our skin as a wound to our very being. We don’t have to pal around with them or be buddy buddy or invite them over for pizza and a movie, but we can leave them puzzled and not understanding how we could so easily forgive them and move on. In some cases it may very well irritate people when we do not respond the way they want us to or they feel we should.
…And the doctors Visit
So I arrived early to my visit, and they ushered me back quickly. I had endured some worry about this visit, so I had texted my Psychologist about it. She had assured me to simply go as my male self, and take photos. She reassured me she would write a letter to my GP if needed. So my anxiety about that was minimalized, although for the past two and a half days my blood pressure had been through the roof over this visit. I’ve literally had massive headaches.
So my Doctor comes in and is perturbed by my blood pressure; 170/90. Well, I was too. But I had run out of meds and on top of it my white coat syndrome/ and hormone request were both conflating my pressure too. So I launched into telling her. Unfortunately, at times, in person, I am NOT as well-spoken as I can be on here. I was also nervous. Did I mention I was also in my work uniform because at the last minute I got called into work? Yeah, that didn’t help either. SO I finally took out my phone and showed her a picture of me as Cadence. It still took her a literal minute to realize that the picture was of me. She then stumbled over that by saying,
“That can’t be you, she’s too beautiful to be you!”
Well okay. I’ll take that! So she was just as thrilled for me as my psychologist, and seemed genuinely excited for me as I undertook this change in my life. She was ecstatic to hear about how supportive Miss Jennifer is with all of it, and she excitedly told me about the research she plans to do to find me the perfect endocrinologist or clinic to manage my initial hormone startup. She felt once they checked my levels and she could communicate with them, that it would be something she and I could manage with them checking up behind us. So she is keenly aware of what it is going to take to do this, she is excited to be a part of it, she knows when to bow out and let a specialist come in to get us started, and she is happy for me. All very good signs.
I messaged Miss Jennifer at work afterwards, and I was beaming. Miss Jennifer was beaming for me! All in all it was a great day. It didn’t start out that way, but it quickly became the day that I needed, when I needed it. Like sometimes has a habit of doing that very thing.
Ever & Always,