Why didn’t I tell you?

Good morning dear readers! While sitting around wondering what to write about, I actually had several ideas come to mind. The first one is based on a post which was recently discussed at Crossdressers.com , a website I post on quite often. You can find me there under Caden Lane, Just look me up and friend me. Always nice to meet friendly people.

Anyhow, the topic was titled, “Why didn’t I tell you?” The premise was from the perspective of a crossdresser being questioned by a spouse about why they didn’t confide in them earlier. The following is my post to the subject:

Posted by Caden Lane (January 8th, 2015) Crossdressers.com

“Why didn’t I tell you?!? I was worried you would react just like you are. I worried you would make brash assumptions, ask uncomfortable, awkward, loaded questions. I was worried you’d accuse me, or question your Love for me, despite my unwavering Love for you. I was worried you’d leave me, I was worried you might out me. I was worried that “for better or worse” would suddenly be meaningless. I was worried that I’d never be able to succinctly answer your questions. I worried I’d never be able to meet your demands. I worried we would end up in a Don’t Ask Don’t Tell situation, where you would feel you were making compromises, where I would be truly compromising who I was, and you would be the only “winner”. I worried you’d seek to change me, reprogram me, or save me from myself. I worried you’d question my faith in a higher power, my manhood, or my virility. I worried you’d second guess my judgment and think I’d stupidly do it in front of the kids. I worried you’d question my sanity, thinking I was loosing my mind. I worried you’d think I would be so cavalier as to run around the neighborhood coming out to anyone that would listen. I worried that you would not give me enough credit for being the sensible man you woke up to this morning, or married years ago. Nothing has changed, I am still the same person I was then and now. But based on one change that you never perceived, you feel justified in acting like everything about me has changed. That is perhaps a short list, of why I didn’t tell you.”

I was obviously writing from a very emotional space. I still hold a grudge towards my ex-wife concerning her initial lies about accepting who I was, and her subsequent back–pedaling. I’ve felt mislead for a number of years for that reason and others.

Again, as I’ve said, I truly believe in telling ones future spouse or relationship interest, as soon as possible, so they go into the relationship making as educated a decision as they can. It also disarms the arguments of “But I didn’t know, you lied to me, you mislead me.”

I can only speak to my thoughts and my mind where this topic is concerned; but to me, not accepting me in all aspects, or wanting to change me, is not acceptable. I Love with all of my heart. I hold nothing in reserve, I make no exceptions to that Love. It is either all, or none. All I ask for is the same. I give honesty, I expect the same, even in a partners perspective of me as Caden. If a woman cannot see Caden in the equation that represents us, then there cannot be us.

I’ve been in relationships where I was forced to repress my feminine aspect. I will compromise in many things to keep the relationship functioning and happy. But when it comes to my dressing, I have sworn never again. I will compromise in many parts of my life, but this is one where I can no longer be asked to compromise. I’ve learned through trial and error that it cannot and should not be a term of negotiation. I do not have enough say in the dynamics of it to negotiate its terms. I may say Sure honey, “I’ll try to dress less often.” But there is a psychological dynamic to this that takes it out of my hands in some ways. While I can control many things, I cannot simply will it away. I cannot cease it, God knows I’ve tried. I may not dress for weeks at a time, but when I do, it will have the opposite effect of what you may have wished for.

They say a man(person) should know their limits. I know mine. I’ve learned them the hard way. I can compromise with a partner on this, accept me and all aspects of me, and I will accept you. Every fault, every perfection, every nuance of what makes you, you. I will promise whole heartedly to never try to change you. I will Love You and Cherish You. I simply ask for the same. We can transcend what you feel you understand, and revel in the fact of we are who we are. and we are Loved and accepted.

I feel I have this sort of relationship with my GF. And it brings me great joy. In fact, in writing this, I’ve had a profound catharsis. The grudge I had towards my ex no longer makes any sense to me. I still hold a grudge about some of the other lies and deceptions, but her failing to understand and accept my feminine aspect, no longer bothers me. Wow, didn’t see that coming!

Ever & Always,
Caden Lane

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