Lost baggage Department: Guilt?

As crossdressers, we are prone to having and suffering any number of emotions. We are after all, human, and we are tethered to the human condition. Couple that with the fact we are doing something society deems “taboo,” and we are gonna have undesired emotion creeping in.

One of those emotions is usually guilt. It may be mixed with an unhealthy dose of shame as well. Simply because society thinks it knows better than our brains what we need to thrive and be happy.

When you have to hide what you do, shame or guilt becomes an issue. Those of us that thrive the best and have the least amount of shame or guilt are the ones who go out while dressed. I don’t mean sneak to a park or something; I mean go out for the purposes of socializing. It is the social aspect that eases those feelings of guilt and shame. It’s difficult to feel shameful when you are at a party rocking your fave little black dress and pumps.

As a caveat to that; you may have to deal with guilt if your spouse is at home and you’ve lied in order to go out to that party. Even if you are in a Don’t Ask Don’t Tell (DADT) relationship with your spouse or Significant Other (SO), and she doesn’t want to know details, you may still feel some guilt. You may certainly feel resentment for not being able to simply tell her about what you consider positive moments in your life.

I suppose DADT relationships would be a great topic for another essay. But for now, try to counter those negative emotions by surrounding yourself with CD/TG friends who understand your plight, whom you can confide in and tell about your exploits.

If your SO or spouse doesn’t know, consider telling her. But realize all the possible outcomes before you do. Know that her reaction may be entirely negative and you too may find yourself in a DADT relationship, or worse.

I suppose the most positive thing to consider is; there is nothing wrong with being a Crossdresser or Transgender. Society is changing. Perhaps too slowly, but it’s doing it; with elements of society kicking and screaming the whole way.

So many people want to still act as though it is shameful for a grown man to embrace femininity. Is it shameful to be a woman? Is it shameful for her to wear her clothes? Is it shameful for a woman to wear mens styled clothing? So why is it shameful for a man to eschew his male gender role, even temporarily? Why is it shameful for him to embrace something he identifies with closer than male clothing and his gender role? Why do there have to be gender roles at all? Isn’t that what feminism is fighting against in effect?

Try to have the perspective that the reason you feel the way you do is because society feels obliged to tell you what it will and won’t accept. In some cases such as common sense laws, society has every right to set its expectations. But why would you allow them to dictate to you that you should be happy, angry or sad? Why hand over the keys to our emotional wellbeing?

Aside from gender-grief, what has society done to elevate your well being? From my perspective as a layman; society only seems to oppress people emotionally, to restrain them from their true emotional potential. I suppose if I saw more positivity coming from societies “rules” then I wouldn’t rail against it so hard.

Other people’s problem with what you do, shouldn’t be your problem. So do not become emotionally invested in their problem. Remain above it. Do not feel guilt or shame based on their twisted, outdated way of looking at things. Make their view the minority, and if they cannot accept and adapt, let them fall to the wayside as society evolves.

In the graphic above, Iggy Pop, who I do not recall being a fan of, was quoted as saying, “I’m not ashamed to dress ‘like a woman’ because I don’t think it’s shameful to be a woman.” True words. My hope is that everyone finds Love, understanding and acceptance; and that shame, guilt, regret and remorse will be nothing but distant memories.

Ever & Always,
Caden Lane


6 thoughts on “Lost baggage Department: Guilt?

  1. Pingback: About shame and agency | A Crossdresser's Manifesto

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